WILD CHILD

I have dreams.

I feel like I need to break out of this shell that’s constraining me.

I need to do stuff. Do things that will blow my mind. Or even simple things. I need to go to the suburbs, get my hands dirty, get a really bad tan, wear really simple outfits, wear sport shoes or slippers, tie my hair in a pony tail, and just do things. Whatever it is.

I wanna do something meaningful. I need to achieve some great things. I need something to challenge me, to get me so busy that the only time I get to breathe is when I go home and sleep. 

I need to be busy again. Wake up at 7am, go to school till 3.30, go training till 6. Dinner and shower till 7.30, always being late for tuition till 10pm, and fall into my crib, which marks the end of the day. And restart the whole routine non-stop, all week. And on saturdays, wake up at 7am, school till 12pm,  tuition till 3 pm, go home, chill till 5pm, off to youth till 7pm, dinner with parents then go home and try to do stuff, which I used to fail and I really don’t like it :P And on sundays, wake up at 7am, go to church till 1pm, lunch, chill at home, then tuition at night.

I need to be thrown into a situation, where I’m compelled to do things. Yes, the challenges that come, may be a treacherous mountain climb, mentally and physically. But I feel like that’s how I get better, how I improve, and further discover who I am and how far I can go… 

I need to do a lot of things. I need to find out how. I need to do them really quickly. I envision myself tanned and ‘thin’, and I like what I see. I don’t know why I’m so uncomfortable at the idea of picturing myself in a prom dress. 

I need to do something that’s gonna push me to my limits, if can, beyond my boundaries. I never really realise what I am good at. That’s one big conundrum I’ve been trying to crack since I was Junior 3? When Walun asked me what I’m good at. My mind went blank. And since then, the thought of venturing into variety of things constantly remained as I stroll through paths of self-discovery. 

Let’s see what I’ve done. I danced, I ran, I studied, I mooted, I held leadership roles, I played the piano, I read books, I blog, I do maths, I swim once in a while, I absolutely can’tdoodle.. Hmm. I still feel very much undefined. 

Being here, I’ve retraced a few steps back. And i feel belittled sometimes, because I feel there’s so much more I can achieve. Rather than being demotivated due to social circumstances. After reading these mindblowing books, these shouldn’t stand in the way. There’s so much more to life. I always can’t wait to move to another place, so that I can meet different people, which ease the situation I’m in, so that I can do what I wanna do.

I trust that God has His plans. 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

 Amen.