thoughts post-XX//

 i think the issue is, 

whether each of the young adult is being discipled.

its not abt the numbers, nor the ocassional testimonies.

but if we're all being (actively) refined into His image on a daily basis.

otherwise,

what is the point...

we all attend parties in search of that smth..

but some go home feeling less "fulfilled" than ideal expectations.

the dream is we create a community that is edifying 

to all who cross our paths

are we edifyin?

how do we get there?

can we be a community that rises above the waves to surf and rescue those crumbling under the waves

can we in active wrestle of our difficulties actively lean on and engage with our God who is greater and attend parties with great faith and intention to be less-aware of us yet fixated on more (if not, All) of Him and reach, the One...

// no prayers for me, cuz im upset series...

midnight thoughts 18/12

 i awake at 7.30

i get ready

i rush off to church

i converse with amanda

ellie tries to catch me for lunch (luls)

i eat lunch

i head home 

i unload at 3pm

i rest till 5pm

i get ready

i squeeze in greetings with the folks with the drive on the way pretty filled with guilt & slight anxiety

i head to dinner

i leave at 1030

my head hits the bed at 1130

i send my belated birthday appreciation msgs 

my eyes rush to shut by the end of it

my phone vibrates next to me night lamp minutes later

i struggle to arise

"i am so... tired"

*vibrates

"i am so... limited"

*sighs

-blackout-

 as the clock strikes 6 & the main room around my corner is empty, the usual me'd prolly be scrambling to leave asap. my thoughts toyed with going for a sun-up evening run (for the 1st time in forever!), i was even open to running with my phone in palm with wired earphones. but i resigned to remaining in place - cuz leavin' isnt gonna change anything, it'll add to tomorrow's stress and feelings of hopelessness. as i got up to search through my cabinets checking off the next thing on my list, i figured, "i've tried this + 'happiness' / life outside of work, but it didn't work. so now i have to do this + not do the other." this is, it. it is how it is... 

no room for both?

 i was handed a mic to (help) express myself, cuz I'm told to be too rigid.... in many many words but ofc i knew what was said from the get go, i nodded in agreement.

i wondered if i was never good at much cuz growing up instead of focusing on learning the skill, i've always spent too much attention on making sure im socially accepted. i had a brief recount, and looked back at pri sch, sec sch, college, uni.. most of my attn was always spent on wondering if was (sufficiently) socially accepted. has that been the opportunity cost paid in exchange for ... hollow skills?

I'm not where I'm supposed to be... 

I'm not where I thought I'd be...

I'm not where I wished I'd be... 

how's your day?

 9/4/2022

I went to pick dad up for my favorite breakfast! Dad made some comments which irritated me but not enough for a blow-up. We enjoyed the meal, and ordered an extra in case mum wants it. We continue with our day. Dad drives me to pick up cake for a birthday lunch celebration. We discuss gas station + toilet + pharmacy + drop me off schedule to fit around our next summon - to pick mum up for her next whim. We manage to fit toilet in + dropping me off and parted ways for the day. 

I went to work, puked some, grabbed to dinner. My dad has my power bank, and my phone battery is hm, not the best. I turn on flight mode to conserve battery for my ride home after dinner. 

Midway through dinner, I figured I could contact parents in case they're around to pick me up for home. Or rather, they could call me in case anything happens ! I disabled flight mode, and received a text of 2 missed calls. I called back immediately to no reply. I turn on flight mode again. All this with scaterrbrain attention as I was engrossed at dinner. Then I remembered again and disabled flight mode, received another text of 2 missed calls. This time while dialing dad, I read a WhatsApp report from dad to say he's back in the hotel. I was relieved. And on the phone, dad answers, "We are back in the hotel. The car is here. Do you want to come and grab the car?" "No, I'm at dinner." "You can come and take the car tonight if you want" "No need, tomorrow is ok" "Ok, tomorrow morning I can go pick you or you can come take the car if you want" curtly "Ok". "Ok, we had hokkien mee earlier.." "Ok" "with uncle Leonard and all.. it was good......" *waits for him to finish....."So.... how was your day?" *chuckles "i talk to you tomorrow la!!" "Huh? How was your day?" "I talk to you tomorrow la! Im seeing you tomorrow right?" "Ya.." "Yup ok, bye" "Ok, bye".

10/4/2022

Dad picks me up with front seat empty. I wonder where mum is, but concluded that it did not make sense given mum's notorious random whims which we've gotten used to. I open the backseat door, gaspeed at my mum. I opened the front seat door, "i didn't see mum there! was just wondering where she is" she was covered by the window shades. "You managed to enter?" "Yes la, i just told the guard pickup, then they let me in" I settle in the seat. "So...... *peeks left whilst driving* how was your day?"

*chuckle

"it was good. i had lunch and dinner. urs?"

"okla.. we went dinner........." etc etc.

Jobs

Zachary Levi:

"My job on my set, I believe, is to first just love people and gain that trust with people where they know that I really do love them and care about their well-being, so that when they are running into problems, they will hopefully, at some point, come to me and ask me, 'What is your peace all about? What is your comfort all about? Where do you get your love? Where do you get your talents?' And I can turn to them and say without blinking, 'Jesus Christ.'"

https://relevantmagazine.com/culture/2830-qaa-with-zachary-levi/