CONFIDENCE.
HAPPINESS.
It’s funny how my "greatest" ambitions and desires are often conceived during the exam season. I often find myself highly motivated, inspired and empowered, to want to take my life up to a higher level. I often get a rather clear view of my life as a big picture, of where I am, where I'd like to be. This big picture perspective is refreshing. It's familiar, yet not a common scene in my head in my everyday ordinary.
Perhaps not "conceived", but rather "reminded". All of a sudden, in my supposedly deprived state where my mind is rather forbidden to wander but stay 100% (or 60% - let's be real) focused, I feel a refreshing sense of empowerment and drive to use what I have in my hands, to fulfil what is in my heart. It's exhilarating and so tempting, as I anticipate to further build/enhance my identity, & discover more of what sets me free.
I suppose, as I strip away other distractions/commitments/engagements/trying to figure out life, & intend to stay committed to one thing, it incidentally gives me the opportunity to spend time to get reacquainted with my raw self too.
As I was reminded again yesterday, I was determined to pen it down because I realised I tend to forget them when exams are over, only to find myself returning to this place of familiarity of unachieved dreams & desires clouding over me, again some time in the future. Haha, then I'd get exasperated, & go "Oh shucks, i really want to do this, but I really can't do it/anything now.."
Yesterday I felt a tinge of confidence revitalizing my veins. I now look forward to doing the Bar, that I heard has many exams and deadlines all year long, but am excited because I really need that training of consistency, discipline and excellence in my life. I look forward to going to a new place not knowing anyone, yet being honest, real, open & learning, if not straightaway embrace the season of meeting new people, letting go of control, & let life happen on its own course - whilst playing an active role of discovery and exploration of new things, instead of a passive role of constantly trying to make sense of things..
I really want to learn the guitar!!!
I'd like to do something different again, that relinquishes control from myself, to be inspired, and humbled again. (e.g. go to a camp where I know no one, meet new people & exercise being comfortable in my own skin) (I desired this too even in 2013, 2014, 2015 etc... always happens when I blog during exam time :P) (speaking of which, I tend to blog more during exams lol)
I want to learn to be comfortable in my own skin.
I want to grow to be able to inspire women/young girls out there.
I suppose that's it for now!
I have been constantly reminded of God's goodness and faithfulness in these recent few days through a retrospective glance, a round trip perspective. Looking back, I suddenly recognized God's hands in me and my family's life, that's brought us to where we are now. Looking back, there were many many many, innumerable, scenes where I find myself lost, confused, not doing good enough and constantly questioned myself & my being & my purpose. I remember constantly imposing on God a deadline to give me an answer I needed at every (most, maybe) crossroad e.g. asking God to give me a clear answer by 4/4, cuz that's when I'm expected to respond to my BPTC offer. Yet, looking back, it certainly looks like the ideal holistic plan, that's woven and knitted together perfectly, & everything seems to make sense - not just about my own life, but with my family's as well. Suddenly, I recognized God's hands even in the ordinary, 'small', casual little decisions, (e.g. making a quick & easy decision to attend Bloom - to hear from YB Hannah - to decide to try internship, was't like a "BIG BIG" decision - to find myself longing to serve my country in my lifetime) instead of God responding during the "big" moments - e.g. deciding for college/uni/bar. I’m grateful that despite living unknowingly, God still persistently continuously gives us opportunities to employ faith, the chance to keep sowing/investing into a greater future with Him, not just me but my whole family as well - even when we don’t realize it, or don’t acknowledge Him, or still stubborn in our own ways. Gosh, He remains faithful & ever so loving.
A wave of comfort flooded through me, as I realized again, that God exists beyond time and space. And looking back, God's plan is really perfect and works holistically.. That my timing isn't His. And He'd stop time for me, if He really needs to.
For the moments I felt super lost and uncertain of, I was still led into stepping into His plan, even without me (or anyone at all) knowing. e.g. going to KL to do my A-Levels & first 2 years of uni. This time has brought me and my family, so, so much closer. My dad and mum were both sick at some points in their lives to which I'm glad I was nearby in KL. This KL experience has also grown our relationship with my brother too. A big part of the growth of relationship between me and my hdad is also made up by me driving him for work, & how this started can be attributed to just a young teen who just got her license, & is eager to drive everywhere, but can only drive under parents’ supervision (how amusing, subtle, sneaky yet immaculate plan God has). Had it not been for the rough patches in uni, I probably wouldn't have given Acts an opportunity big enough to touch my life, & a quick example, I wouldn't have attended Bloom - did internship with YB - & discover a "calling" or a greater purpose in my identity.
God's just being God man.
Looking back, I had no idea at all that anything I was going to do then, would make any sense in my future, super unsure and unconfident that they would generate interests landing me pots of gold in the future.
Really, only God knows what this law degree is going to do for me (correction, for Him) in due time. (gosh, I miss Maths soooo much!!! *cries* the more I study, the more I miss Maths haha)
Two takeaways from all this:
1) we can either can give credits to the Big Man up there who orchestrates things in our lives immaculately for His purpose, for the good things in our lives, for our blessings, or we can regard the good things in our lives as a product of plentiful coincidences, or “luck” - but if we do that, we miss out on God’s hand & intervention in our lives.
2) when we choose to trust God with our lives, He is already directing our paths, paving ways, step by step, in fulfilling His purpose for us. We’re just probably young, lost, confused and just can’t see it, & think we’re too smart & cause ourselves to believe that God’s not working in our lives. (by “us” & “we”, i really just mean “me”/”I” :P)
“You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; & you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls.” (1 Pet 1:8-9)
P.S. Am totally digging this series by Pktfuel! (I love their series in general, but especially love this) The first time I did this series on this topic spoke to my heart, it was so profound, such compelling truth. I’m happy and grateful to be reminded of it again this week. https://www.pktfuel.com/everyday-ordinary/
Anyway, so much for a short update. But gotta go off before I go too far off now! Till the next time, xx.
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| So much to be thankful for. |
