as the clock strikes 6 & the main room around my corner is empty, the usual me'd prolly be scrambling to leave asap. my thoughts toyed with going for a sun-up evening run (for the 1st time in forever!), i was even open to running with my phone in palm with wired earphones. but i resigned to remaining in place - cuz leavin' isnt gonna change anything, it'll add to tomorrow's stress and feelings of hopelessness. as i got up to search through my cabinets checking off the next thing on my list, i figured, "i've tried this + 'happiness' / life outside of work, but it didn't work. so now i have to do this + not do the other." this is, it. it is how it is... 

no room for both?

 i was handed a mic to (help) express myself, cuz I'm told to be too rigid.... in many many words but ofc i knew what was said from the get go, i nodded in agreement.

i wondered if i was never good at much cuz growing up instead of focusing on learning the skill, i've always spent too much attention on making sure im socially accepted. i had a brief recount, and looked back at pri sch, sec sch, college, uni.. most of my attn was always spent on wondering if was (sufficiently) socially accepted. has that been the opportunity cost paid in exchange for ... hollow skills?