i am bipolar.

i was super emo today, then ok again, then emo again.. aiiiks.

post again

My friends say that I always have people to whatsapp. hahaha. sounds so kewlz.

I love my friends! Shareen and Cassy are just adorraableeeezz.
I wish I could be there for daddy's birthday, my heart is just tearing up now < / 3

And Shiela just rejected my offer to Night War. I don't know why, but i feel so upset. > . < i'm a bit angry, i know i shouldn't be. I'm just ahhhh. > . < why doesnt she want to come :(

sighs.

the world through my eyes

I think that I'm a bit bipolar.
Last week I was on full blast on the optimism path! I heard my roomie out, and talked to here, helped her out, and that the world is a beautiful place to live in, and everything seemed to make sense at the moment. The weekend came, and I did nothing productive, so I was holding that feeling inside of me, and I felt suffocated again. That was yesterday and today. My mum asked if I was okay, and it felt great that my mum could feel something was off though I didn't say much/never mentioned anything in specific. I had been feeling lonely, solitary, worried about the future, worried about the people in my life. Whether the previous ones, amazing people who are the loves of my life, the people I fell in love with, I was worried that they'd move on, and fall out of love with me and forget me. And I worry about the current people in my life, whether they're gonna be here for long, or they're just gonna go poof! if they feel something better is coming their way, or they'd just go away when their future takes way.

I'm okay now though, I miss the counsellor, my best-friend-wannabe lulz :D I miss talking to her, as if no one is going to judge me, and that there isn't anything wrong to be me. I feel like disclosing the thought of myself being socially awkward, though that had never been something to worry about, and I don't want to admit it. I want to talk to her about these scattering thoughts in my head, the self-peps etc, but I am not sure how to start and I don't want it to get awkward - there, socially awkward =.=

I will get better though, I always will :) tmr's is daddy dearest birthday, the greatest man I've ever met in the world, I'm so damn grateful. Wednesday's Bubura's, Sanny's, Cassy's birthday. All of my great buddies. Bubura's like one of my soulmates, she's one of my greatest pal in my whole life =) #sodamngrateful Sanny's a cutie pie, left a significant footprint in my life too, and Cassy's just a wonderful soul, #sodamngratefulagain

Sometimes, I'm affected on my decision to attend prom/council stuff etc and all that 'crap', I'm sorry, but like I promised myself, I'm not gonna let it affect me, I choose not to let it affect me, I feel like I'm so much more worthier than that.. hahaha.

And another thing, I'm fat and ugly. Haha, I can't wait to be pretty and prettier :P
Maybe not, but I just gained weight, and i wished I could look prettier instead of looking tired always >.<

She's such an inspiration, so gorgeous :)

so true!!! hahaha

*****

...

I feel so lonely oh > . <

week

13th of July, 2013 - Forest Friends
19th of July,2013 - New Zalora tube! , Taylor's Lakeside, JFH promo, Jin and Ean!!!, STROOOBBEESSSSZZZ #, met WILLSSOONN!! :DD
20th of July, 2013 - Study sesshh with Cassy and Sha, where I didn't do much. Too tired from the night before >.< Dinner with Alvin, Rolz, Sar, Sha and Maddie. Then roti bom!
21st of July, 2013 - missed church, overslept >.<, went to 7th floor did a couple of essays, checked Zumba out, went home and took an extra looonnggg nap, dinner at the shop before Bestari
22nd of July, 2013 - college, i guess.
23rd of July, 2013 - college too, i suppose.
24th of July, 2013 - SC meeting, new members, went and bought cotton, home!
25th of July, 2013 - Burger Lab! Never ending chats withs salaos =.=
26th of July, 2013 - Cassy's birthday party! < 3
27th of July, 2013 - Home alone, The Tailor-Made Man (28th of July, 2013 - Woke up late for church again, took a cab with Sar, came home at 2.20 slept till 8-ish.

 :)

23rd of July, 2013

Dreams are a projection of the kind of life you want to lead. Dreams can drive you. Dreams can make you skip over obstacles. When you allow your dreams to pull you, they unleash a creative force that can overpower any obstacle in your path. To unleash this power, though, your dreams must be well defined. A fuzzy future has little pulling power. Well-defined dreams are not fuzzy. Wishes are fuzzy. To really achieve your dreams, to really have your future plans pull you forward, your dreams must be vivid.

You’ve got to be a dreamer. You’ve got to envision the future. You’ve got to see California while you’re climbing 14,000-foot peaks. You’ve got to see the finish line while you’re running the race. You’ve got to hear the cheers when you’re in the middle of a monster project. And you’ve got to be willing to put yourself through the paces of doing the uncomfortable until it becomes comfortable. Because that’s how you realize your dreams.

bbrrrzzzzzznnggzz

Last week was a really hectic week! Not as hectic as two weeks ago, bust still equally hectic. I don't remember much about what I did, which is a pity =.= But I basically just remember emailing my sister that super duper long email about my thoughts and feelings on Tuesday, only to hear from her on Wednesday where she dropped a bomb. That was one of the most confusing day of my life.....pffftttt. I think it was Tuesday night where Mark came over and we chatted till mignight... Hmm yep! Yeh, then wednesday was council meeting and I left early.. Then thursday was me meeting with Ms Li Sher, stayed back to deal with ECA drive day stuff, then Friday was ECA drive, Saturday was Forest Friends!!! weeee, it was really fun, then went home to my fav 7th floor, only to encounter this massive strong wind which blew the dumpster away from its original spot. I was so worried that it was gonna fly to me for a second, it felt a bit like doomsday ._. erm, then went swimming 5 laps in the rain, got up and was floating to my apartment with this headache, fried some sotong then went to aweshum dinner with hubz. returned home and forgot what I did. Oh, i remember now. Decided to go home during raya and bought super expensive air tickets, went through a roller coaster ride in buying air tix for myself and sar, then i got exhausted and didnt study then went to sleep. :( Then went to church on Sunday with sarrr, met another lawyer - Wei Chao, went for lunch, went home and took this long nap where i wasn't supposed to, then went shwimming with tasha watching me, then emailed my sister the reply and got an unexpected reply =.= it was initially one of the best days everrr. ._. theeeennnn, went home, tried to study, got sleepy while studying moral, then off to bed. Today is a monday. I ate Pan Mee. Weird. I wanna lose, but Chee Ren said that I gained weight. Took a half an hour nap, went swimming with sha and sar, to the smelly hot pool =.= then ate dinner, went online shopping (!!!!), :D:D:D, ate Chee Ren's green tea donut, drank green tea starbucks, did moral stuff - homeless to harvard, sorted out my files, can't believe that Cory Moneith is dead, i am so devastated :( and now here i am at 2:22 a.m. gonna do devotion and wake up early tomoro to study. fighting! < 3

postey

Hello world! I'm back!

So basically, on Thursday night, I teared up. And it sure felt so damn good. Actually I have just been really tired lately, just dead exhausted. And so the feelings just weighed up and was pressing against my chest, leaving me feeling suffocated and really irritated. I felt like I could blow up with just anything crossing my line, whether or not it's extreme, but yeah. Like when something small occurs and attracted my attention, I was just really annoyed in my heart but I kept the feelings to myself and I just never blew up. I've been trying to pour out my emotions in a really long time, tried a variety of methods..

Such as listening to mellow music and spaced out my thoughts (that's what I always do, and it gets me emo :S), going to church for praise and worship... Well basically that's it i suppose, but it still doesn't work. It feels kinda sakai actually, but it's true. Then the other day, I guess I was chatting with a friend, and I admitted that I feel awful awful awful, before the waterworks, and it just came out. Lulz, cuz I usually don't want to let the negative emotions take over my feelings. So yeah, although nothing bad happened, but it just felt like a heavy load was lifted off my chest and I could breathe again. The next day, I felt like my heart was beating normally, slowly, easily. Instead of my thoughts scattering everything, my heart palpitating inconsistenly.. It felt good. So thanks mates :)

*

I'm currently on the chase with Pretty Little Liars, oh shucks! And I'm just in love with Ezra now. :( sighs... A's disappearance is just one hell of an enigma, an inexplicable occurence. Whew, it just goes on forever... so enigmatic and mysterious.

#poofeelings #screwhormones

i feel like poo man.
i just feel so abominably awful.
im not sure why this happened despite today was a really good day.
i just feel like crap.
i think it's the caffeine thats working it in my body.
but who cares, i just feel like shet.
and i think im about to catch a flu, so the feeling where the sneeze feels like coming but doesnt just makes me feel like i wanna cry, but it's actually just the flu.
can't wait for the flu to invade my body, so that i can crash nicely.
i'm just so tired.
sometimes tired of trying to keep up with people, tired of initiating.
tired of not being treated like how i thought i would be.
it's not bad honestly.
sometimes i dont understand why other people get it so well.
i feel like i've done so much more, where all other people do is whine and be mean, but they get the friends.
i mean like what happened to the senses around?
screw this piece of crap.
i'm ok actually, it's just the sudden feeling that's taking over my emotions now.
sometimes i feel like going all waterworks, but it's like being repressed, it just doesnt happen.
the optimism doesn't feel that natural, it feels like im working so freaking damn hard to be optimistic, telling myself good things are bound to come.
i can't wait to have time of my own, to clear my head, sitting down, ignoring the world around me.
you know how in movies, there's this person who'd be in deep freaking thoughts, and the world just moves on without that person realizing it?
i think i need that moment now.
i don't want to be putting effort every, day, it's so tiring.
and sometimes it feels unfair, why do i put in all the effort?
why just me?
damn it.
i'm not blaming God tho, im just expressing myself.
it's like i know all the perfect sentences to each problems,
but i just feel like crap.
family has always been the refuge.
but lately i really don't want to think about her.
it's not good nor is it healthy im sorry.
but sometimes i just feel so stressed and repressed and controlled...
i just can't breath.
just give me space.
pls.
space and time.
thats all i need.

now i gotta friggin' finish my econs hw even tho i have no idea why and caffeine's stirring like a pothole in my belly where my brain is drained. pls ms Malathy, give me more time next time pls.
i just feel suffocated.

i need, to breath.

#throwback #wordstosharefrommyheart

So much to write, yet I don't know where to start.

I need to blog about my exams, my amazing rendezvous with my lovely cousins, my proud lil sissy's graduation, the next week back to the amazing home, and back to KL, my results, and how life is for now.

*****

So basically, when I stepped into home 3 days ago - 30th of June, the smell of my very first footstep onto this place came rushing back with the memories and thoughts I had back then on the 12th of January. The place was so neat and tidy, and it just reminded me of how swiftly time has damn passed. A part of me cheered that college was already at least, one-third over as I look forward to Uni life with high anticipation.
Another part of me knew that I should embrace all that's happening right now, take a chill pill.
I just feel grateful that finally, the hard part - settling in, making new friends, getting used to a completely new environment etc, has finally come down to the 'normal' level.

I chilled on the couch for half an hour, my phone rang and I chatted a hour and a half away with my best friend. I wished she would be here with me, experiencing college with me. Not only her, but also with other lovely buddies and amazing people I have back home.  I wonder how diff things would be. But that's like taking an easy way out, not entirely, but just it would be so much more fun when we experience new and foreign things like the ones I mentioned above together. :) but that's okay, it's a learning process, and I made through it, still fit in one piece, even grew sideways, so it's fine. :) tasha and sarah are great too. =)

A large part of me feels really heavy hearted that I've left my most precious part of me, to pursue further education over here in KL. Sometimes, I feel lost, and I don't even know who I am. It feels like I'm being drained, only left with skin on the outside. As I arrived KL, I felt like my doppleganger, you see me on the outside, but it's actually hollow and I don't know where my soul is, but my body just resumes its usual routines. It sounds so weird, but it's true. Sometimes, I get perplexed at why I was sent over here, not having the best of life, instead of feeling amazing  and enjoying my best friends' company back at home, where I shall excel and unleash my potential comfortably, to its fullest. It just felt so damn amazing back at home.

stuff that seemed equivalent :D

At times, I recall flashbacks of myself sitting, laughing, chatting nonchalantly during lessons in between Shiela and Wilson, behind Juliana, Daph, Nas, in front of Mak, Shafie and Tasha. I recall myself sweating my ass off due to the poor ventilation, and dozing off during BM classes (tho it's amazing) due to the monotonous presentation or due to my heavy lunch that weighed on my head as well. I recall constantly being amused by how much Shiela sleeps, and how annoyed I'd get by the genius Wilson, and recall how I was respected and loved. I believe I still am. But things are just a little different now.

how true?

Sometimes, I wish to dream of myself back in high school so that I could relive those moments again. It's ok that life has moved on, but at least, a dream, so that I could feel it again. I sound so.. desperate. Truly, when I've entered Junior One (it seems like ages ago), high school seemed never-ending.
It's just become so natural, the routine of going back home after school, reclining on the couch, binging food while flipping channels, bloat myself up, go shower, go dinner, and sit at the study table doing crap, texting, then going back to watch tv. Then prior one week or even a day before exam, I'd spam the study table, burn the midnight oil and memorize my head off and sit for the exam.
It's become such a natural routine that that was how I sat for my five years of exams.

Another one would be last year. Going home after training, feeling exhausted and drained, got my bagpack off my shoulder by the kitchen door, greet a "Hi, mum" or "Hi, Kak, mummy leh?", walking straight to the fridge, grab smth to binge, get ready to shower, dinner, and chill at the study table etc etc. The same ol' routine :)

But focusing on what life has to offer, leaving was definitely a good choice too, I suppose. Despite being homesick all the time, worrying that my friends'd move on without me, enjoying their best of lives, forgetting me by heart . . . It got me worried sick at times, but I guess I realised that my friends haven't forgotten me, and that friendship is carved by heart. Things change tho, like the quote says, "The neverchanging thing in the world, is change", but I know that these amazing people will still be there for me, just like they have been this 6 months :) and I am eternally grateful.

Education wise, it's brilliant. It's very interesting, what I'm learning. I'm loving it. Socially, it gets better I suppose. I try not to think about it, want to let it happen naturally. I wanna do devotion.

As I went for dinner with Sar on Sunday night, we decided on jotting down new resolutions for the semester.

- We want to lose weight, get fit and healthy, study hard, do devotion. I don't want to stop going to church, and I can't wait to experience God's presence again, and increasing my faith in Him. I can't wait to kick off the momentum of studying and I can't wait for life to be better. It's good, but I'm sure there's more to come. =) I'm appreciating the present tho, don't worry.

***

Someone fell for me. Fell out of love. Now I'm down, but someone has moved on.. It's tragic to be honest, a sad sad tragedy haha. :P oh well, may my time arrive soon! =) can't wait to unveil that little girl in me =)

*

I pray for good and everlasting, hopefully, health to both my lovely parents, outstanding academic results for my lovely sissy, logic sense for my brother, love to all my friends and for myself and everybody, the spirit to always be better in life. =)

love! < 3