#throwback #wordstosharefrommyheart

So much to write, yet I don't know where to start.

I need to blog about my exams, my amazing rendezvous with my lovely cousins, my proud lil sissy's graduation, the next week back to the amazing home, and back to KL, my results, and how life is for now.

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So basically, when I stepped into home 3 days ago - 30th of June, the smell of my very first footstep onto this place came rushing back with the memories and thoughts I had back then on the 12th of January. The place was so neat and tidy, and it just reminded me of how swiftly time has damn passed. A part of me cheered that college was already at least, one-third over as I look forward to Uni life with high anticipation.
Another part of me knew that I should embrace all that's happening right now, take a chill pill.
I just feel grateful that finally, the hard part - settling in, making new friends, getting used to a completely new environment etc, has finally come down to the 'normal' level.

I chilled on the couch for half an hour, my phone rang and I chatted a hour and a half away with my best friend. I wished she would be here with me, experiencing college with me. Not only her, but also with other lovely buddies and amazing people I have back home.  I wonder how diff things would be. But that's like taking an easy way out, not entirely, but just it would be so much more fun when we experience new and foreign things like the ones I mentioned above together. :) but that's okay, it's a learning process, and I made through it, still fit in one piece, even grew sideways, so it's fine. :) tasha and sarah are great too. =)

A large part of me feels really heavy hearted that I've left my most precious part of me, to pursue further education over here in KL. Sometimes, I feel lost, and I don't even know who I am. It feels like I'm being drained, only left with skin on the outside. As I arrived KL, I felt like my doppleganger, you see me on the outside, but it's actually hollow and I don't know where my soul is, but my body just resumes its usual routines. It sounds so weird, but it's true. Sometimes, I get perplexed at why I was sent over here, not having the best of life, instead of feeling amazing  and enjoying my best friends' company back at home, where I shall excel and unleash my potential comfortably, to its fullest. It just felt so damn amazing back at home.

stuff that seemed equivalent :D

At times, I recall flashbacks of myself sitting, laughing, chatting nonchalantly during lessons in between Shiela and Wilson, behind Juliana, Daph, Nas, in front of Mak, Shafie and Tasha. I recall myself sweating my ass off due to the poor ventilation, and dozing off during BM classes (tho it's amazing) due to the monotonous presentation or due to my heavy lunch that weighed on my head as well. I recall constantly being amused by how much Shiela sleeps, and how annoyed I'd get by the genius Wilson, and recall how I was respected and loved. I believe I still am. But things are just a little different now.

how true?

Sometimes, I wish to dream of myself back in high school so that I could relive those moments again. It's ok that life has moved on, but at least, a dream, so that I could feel it again. I sound so.. desperate. Truly, when I've entered Junior One (it seems like ages ago), high school seemed never-ending.
It's just become so natural, the routine of going back home after school, reclining on the couch, binging food while flipping channels, bloat myself up, go shower, go dinner, and sit at the study table doing crap, texting, then going back to watch tv. Then prior one week or even a day before exam, I'd spam the study table, burn the midnight oil and memorize my head off and sit for the exam.
It's become such a natural routine that that was how I sat for my five years of exams.

Another one would be last year. Going home after training, feeling exhausted and drained, got my bagpack off my shoulder by the kitchen door, greet a "Hi, mum" or "Hi, Kak, mummy leh?", walking straight to the fridge, grab smth to binge, get ready to shower, dinner, and chill at the study table etc etc. The same ol' routine :)

But focusing on what life has to offer, leaving was definitely a good choice too, I suppose. Despite being homesick all the time, worrying that my friends'd move on without me, enjoying their best of lives, forgetting me by heart . . . It got me worried sick at times, but I guess I realised that my friends haven't forgotten me, and that friendship is carved by heart. Things change tho, like the quote says, "The neverchanging thing in the world, is change", but I know that these amazing people will still be there for me, just like they have been this 6 months :) and I am eternally grateful.

Education wise, it's brilliant. It's very interesting, what I'm learning. I'm loving it. Socially, it gets better I suppose. I try not to think about it, want to let it happen naturally. I wanna do devotion.

As I went for dinner with Sar on Sunday night, we decided on jotting down new resolutions for the semester.

- We want to lose weight, get fit and healthy, study hard, do devotion. I don't want to stop going to church, and I can't wait to experience God's presence again, and increasing my faith in Him. I can't wait to kick off the momentum of studying and I can't wait for life to be better. It's good, but I'm sure there's more to come. =) I'm appreciating the present tho, don't worry.

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Someone fell for me. Fell out of love. Now I'm down, but someone has moved on.. It's tragic to be honest, a sad sad tragedy haha. :P oh well, may my time arrive soon! =) can't wait to unveil that little girl in me =)

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I pray for good and everlasting, hopefully, health to both my lovely parents, outstanding academic results for my lovely sissy, logic sense for my brother, love to all my friends and for myself and everybody, the spirit to always be better in life. =)

love! < 3