TBT

Beauty for Ashes

Coronavirus: 'recovered' patient dies as China reports discharged cases falling ill again

Previously, we had the privilege to rejoice in the prospects of recovery in spite of infection. Waking up to this news today simply means that our hopes may have been misplaced. Death is imminent, after all.

Surely, I'm taking things to the extreme. In the absence of further research and reports, nothing much could be made of this report besides capturing a further emphasis on the need to take maximum precautions, until the water gets clear.

Notwithstanding the statistics, the prevailing unchanging truth is that death is imminent.

I used to be extremely confident that until I fall in love, I have long till I die. I thought so, since one of my greatest desires simply has yet to be fulfilled, a desire I believe comes from God, God surely is not done with me. But as indicated in a previous post, my perspective on love and relationships have somewhat been "pruned". From a higher vantage point, I appreciate a conviction deposited into my heart recently that my identity is not complete until I fall in love. On a practical level, relationships succumb to the brokenness of this world and fall apart, all the time. A relationship makes or breaks one's destiny (mine & the partner's). Broken relationships leave ramifications that carry through generations, capable to hurt our children, family, friends, loved ones... My point is, my personal illusion that "love" hinders death from becoming, is effectively extinguished, for better or worse. >.<

Now that we all live in the face of death, in a virus-stricken world, what does that make of us? Do we fear in the face of adversity? Or rejoice in a prospective testimony because "with Christ in the vessel, we can smile at the storm", or do we further rejoice into eternity because "to live is Christ, to die is gain"?

If we die tomorrow, out of infliction of Covid19 or another, will we be at peace and rejoice as we finally reunite with God in heaven - where there will be no more tears, no death or sorrow, no crying, no more pain?

Will we be ready to let go of the different loads we've been carrying on earth over the past decades, including the thoughts that don't make us strong?

Will we be ready to rejoice at all that we've accomplished, be it through adversity, loss, good times or seemingly complacent and lost days?

Will we be ready to have conversations we've been withholding out of pain disguised as ego, to forgive all the unmet expectations and disappointments we've accumulated in our hearts, to let all things go and truly embrace the life we've lived as an individual?

Will we finally put our foot down and finally confront the possibility that there may no longer be a future for creases to be ironed, for hatchets to be buried, and really be honest with where we are, how we feel?

Will we finally celebrate our lives for what it is,  raw and unfiltered, and celebrate the people who are currently in our lives?

Can we readily anticipate Jesus to come to and say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant" in spite of our losses and self-perceived inadequacies, where all our questions will finally make perfect sense in that instance?

"A crisis brings the best and worst out of a person."

Perhaps it's a good time for us to reevaluate our lives and our priorities, to re-evaluate what we live for. As the world now forces us to live in solitude (of varying degrees), what could God be saying to us at this moment? If we're grounded at home with our loved ones, what is God intending for our time together with our loved ones? If we find ourselves alone in this season of self-quarantine, what could God intend for our personal solitude?

What is God revealing to us through this crisis? What is God stirring in our hearts in such challenging times? What is God's heart for the people around us who are hurting and directly or indirectly inflicted by this crisis? What could God possibly intend for such a devasting crisis inflicted upon the world?

Through faith, we can know with confidence that "all things work for the good of those who love Him". Through faith, we know that God is working even when we don't feel it or see it.

Death or not, imagine us all arriving with answers to all these fundamental questions with a greater clarity of who we are, who we want to be, who we can be and who God is.... I can only imagine the world to truly be a better place when this crisis finally, and actually, departs us, only for the world to hopefully be re-populated by humans emerging with fresh sense of identity, purpose, humanity.

Regardless of what happens, we can take comfort in knowing that although "here on earth we will have many trials and sorrows, but we can take heart, because Jesus has overcome the world.” He is with us, He is for us.

Everyone needs a Denise!

Thank You Denise, for everything :)

You mean the world to me!

I know I terribly said before that I was not a "best-friend" kinda person,

but if I were, I think it's probably because of you :)

<3

Though through the valley of death, You are with me.

"Do what that brings you peace, what that fuels your passion.."

It's ironic that my days are primarily threatened by anxiety, inadequacy, low self-esteem, lack of joy, desperate yearns of breaking into passion, environmental-induced introversion, passiveness, pensiveness which subconsciously culminate into tighter wrestles of faith each time... No doubt, if any, these manifestations merely allude to different facets of me that needs to be moulded, sharpened, dealt with by God...

I used to feel so uncomfortable for feeling all this discomfort. These days I realise most days they feel normal. Coming across an old post-it saying, "Don't normalize the abnormal" have supposedly triggered these thoughts...

On some lucky days when I'd be sufficiently present to have caught a line or two from the tv playing in the background, I'd find myself ponder simultaneously with the orator in that moment "I have never felt so alive.." before finding myself having quickly exited back into the undefined enigmatic yet bleak world of random thoughts that don't go anywhere... wondering.. when was the last time I'd felt alive.... My thoughts continue to be stars I cannot fathom into constellations, but this saying seems too euphemistic to describe this lost and threatening i-dont-know that i find myself spiralling in.

Yet, the genuine silver lining is as far as I wander, rebel, lose myself through the distance across the entire circumference, grace ties me down to the center, never allowing me to wander beyond the radius, ever. Grace catches me, faith is my anchor to keep me going, literally, every day. Faith, that my lacklustre life will pick up colours in time; faith, that it will make sense one day; faith, that my life is not wasted by being so lost; faith, that conventional wisdom don't define me; faith, that God's love is so deep and relentless that it continues to crashes over me - even when I don't feel it; faith, that as long as I am alive, God's will for my life is not done; faith, that "you've kept track of all my wandering and my weeping"; faith, that his favour, mercy, grace continue to cover me like a shield, every day; faith, that there must be more than this...

faith, that God "is no less God within the shadows, no less faithful when the night leads me astray".

Previously, I had gone through a season where I finally understood what it meant to be "numb", it's simply everything yet nothing at the same time. These days I find myself breaking into weird fits of tears... It's somewhat grudging, full of moans, groans, chokes for air, and lots of wrenching of the gut and abdomen, and curling up. At the first or second occurrence, i thought it'd probably make sense as it appears to be a release of bottled up emotions. Soon after, it no longer makes sense. I don't understand it.. And I don't fancy that I no longer have control over things, am no longer able to make sense of things, and this disability to do the same persists into something I worry I grow used to till I lose my sense altogether and lose the ability to recognize the same... I'd hate to be complacent in ignorance that I can't even recognize... Amidst these weird but lesser choke-ups now, I recognize a subtle sense of lightness seeping in and joy fragments here and there... I think.. that I'm going to be okay..... :)

This past year and a half has been tremendous. I feel that so much has happened within me internally, concepts, ideas, belief systems are challenged and perhaps even changed, for better or worse. My ideas on love, family, religion, life, God, identity, have been tested and shaken. It doesn't help that I feel that I suck at my work every, day. I detest that my identity is so closely attached to my work, but I thank God for the grace that allows me to recognize it. I won't say that mere recognition solves the issue, I still struggle to see more of God at work, and I pray that that will happen in time. This life, is Yours after all, Lord. I am but a vessel.

Being weighed down by all these i-dont-knows really challenge my motivation all the time, but I also thank God that sometimes I'm reminded out of nowhere of a Great Big Picture of the world, that I have genuine desires and dreams for, and the insecurities I feel about my work, my life would almost immediately pale in comparison, and I can lift my chin up and get on with life again... although with pursed lips most times, but slowly but surely...

My prayer is that even as I feel like I'm thrown at all sides by just sitting down here, "cruising" through my monotonous nonsensical life patterns, as I wish that I was better, every day, God, You're in control, that God, You'll finish what You've started in - me.

..

A random post this is.. but please, just bear with me hey...? :)

xx