"Do what that brings you peace, what that fuels your passion.."
It's ironic that my days are primarily threatened by anxiety, inadequacy, low self-esteem, lack of joy, desperate yearns of breaking into passion, environmental-induced introversion, passiveness, pensiveness which subconsciously culminate into tighter wrestles of faith each time... No doubt, if any, these manifestations merely allude to different facets of me that needs to be moulded, sharpened, dealt with by God...
I used to feel so uncomfortable for feeling all this discomfort. These days I realise most days they feel normal. Coming across an old post-it saying, "Don't normalize the abnormal" have supposedly triggered these thoughts...
On some lucky days when I'd be sufficiently present to have caught a line or two from the tv playing in the background, I'd find myself ponder simultaneously with the orator in that moment "I have never felt so alive.." before finding myself having quickly exited back into the undefined enigmatic yet bleak world of random thoughts that don't go anywhere... wondering.. when was the last time I'd felt alive.... My thoughts continue to be stars I cannot fathom into constellations, but this saying seems too euphemistic to describe this lost and threatening i-dont-know that i find myself spiralling in.
Yet, the genuine silver lining is as far as I wander, rebel, lose myself through the distance across the entire circumference, grace ties me down to the center, never allowing me to wander beyond the radius, ever. Grace catches me, faith is my anchor to keep me going, literally, every day. Faith, that my lacklustre life will pick up colours in time; faith, that it will make sense one day; faith, that my life is not wasted by being so lost; faith, that conventional wisdom don't define me; faith, that God's love is so deep and relentless that it continues to crashes over me - even when I don't feel it; faith, that as long as I am alive, God's will for my life is not done; faith, that "you've kept track of all my wandering and my weeping"; faith, that his favour, mercy, grace continue to cover me like a shield, every day; faith, that there must be more than this...
faith, that God "is no less God within the shadows, no less faithful when the night leads me astray".
Previously, I had gone through a season where I finally understood what it meant to be "numb", it's simply everything yet nothing at the same time. These days I find myself breaking into weird fits of tears... It's somewhat grudging, full of moans, groans, chokes for air, and lots of wrenching of the gut and abdomen, and curling up. At the first or second occurrence, i thought it'd probably make sense as it appears to be a release of bottled up emotions. Soon after, it no longer makes sense. I don't understand it.. And I don't fancy that I no longer have control over things, am no longer able to make sense of things, and this disability to do the same persists into something I worry I grow used to till I lose my sense altogether and lose the ability to recognize the same... I'd hate to be complacent in ignorance that I can't even recognize... Amidst these weird but lesser choke-ups now, I recognize a subtle sense of lightness seeping in and joy fragments here and there... I think.. that I'm going to be okay..... :)
This past year and a half has been tremendous. I feel that so much has happened within me internally, concepts, ideas, belief systems are challenged and perhaps even changed, for better or worse. My ideas on love, family, religion, life, God, identity, have been tested and shaken. It doesn't help that I feel that I suck at my work every, day. I detest that my identity is so closely attached to my work, but I thank God for the grace that allows me to recognize it. I won't say that mere recognition solves the issue, I still struggle to see more of God at work, and I pray that that will happen in time. This life, is Yours after all, Lord. I am but a vessel.
Being weighed down by all these i-dont-knows really challenge my motivation all the time, but I also thank God that sometimes I'm reminded out of nowhere of a Great Big Picture of the world, that I have genuine desires and dreams for, and the insecurities I feel about my work, my life would almost immediately pale in comparison, and I can lift my chin up and get on with life again... although with pursed lips most times, but slowly but surely...
My prayer is that even as I feel like I'm thrown at all sides by just sitting down here, "cruising" through my monotonous nonsensical life patterns, as I wish that I was better, every day, God, You're in control, that God, You'll finish what You've started in - me.
..
A random post this is.. but please, just bear with me hey...? :)
xx
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