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| P.S. Don't mind the messy look! :P I legit woke up like this, & had flu today :( |
This is a continuation of my previous post "Control" where I talked about relinquishing stress, worries, anxieties over things that I cannot control. I referred specifically to my skin condition. As free-spirited as I truly was when I wrote that post, what took place the next few days/week felt super hypocritical.
In that post, I truly felt free and I took pride in it hence bringing it to a blog post, as it was an achievement personally to not allow my skin to dictate my sense of worth and identity. However, to my greatest surprise myself, I fell into that very "battle" that I had boasted in conquering. I had an emotional breakdown which I believe was the result of subconsiously suppressed emotions over time.
Little by little, my self-esteem was challenged along with the condition of my skin. I felt so constricted and limited by my skin condition whenever I speak to someone. I found it hard to converse confidently with my head up high, whilst spreading a generous smile ever so genuinely. I wanted to project what I felt in my heart, joy/happiness/excitement in meeting people, doing/sharing life with people, but my skin condition had constantly convinced me time after time that I could do away that instance, & perhaps I could just do it another time.
What pulled the trigger was when my parents suddenly paused longer than usual when talking to me, whilst scrutinising my face, then suggested me to consult my dermatologist. I was super agitated then because I just dreaded the feeling where I had to go back to square one - and decide again, if I should see the doctor or just give it up.
A few days later, as dumbfounded as I felt due to the contradiction of emotions as opposed to what I was supposed to feel, I realised that what unfolded wasn't merely the ranting about my physical problems I had no control over. But that it was my heart problem being shed to light, coming out from the bottom. I realise that the real problem had been unleashing fully through how I looked at life, my attitude towards the circumstances surrounding my life. It really wasn't just about my skin.
Recalling it today, I was feeling slightly embarassed at my ugly outburst of emotions, but then I felt in my heart, "It gets worse before it gets better". There was peace, & I took comfort that my wound (of insecurities) was being sprinkled with salt. & I'm glad I had confronted the real problem. It can only get better from here on.
Despite my ignorance and oblivion in my little bubble, where I wasn't tuned into God's channel, interestingly, God still spoke to me in the least of my expectations, at places where I wouldn't think He'd show up - through my close friend's seemingly "brash" comment in the midst of a heated conversation. - "You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good." Genesis 50:20 - & I find it interesting that it wasn't a one off lesson then through the singular comment, but the lesson is still ongoing when God spoke today. I thank God for continuously speaking in spite of my oblivion... Indeed, "he who began a good work in us will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phil 1:6)
He will finish it.
