More than just nostalgia...

This picture brought tears to my eyes today...

Father, Father, I know that You have not forsaken me...

Oh, what do I do?

Where have I gone?

What am I to do?

Oh Lord.

Take over...

-
 I can't wait to finally take a break. :)
It's gonna be good.
I'll finally have time, to pause, without worrying work being the opportunity cost.
The concept of "lost time" will be invalidated for just that... 10 days. Maybe 8...
It'll be good.
I'll finally have time to let my heart cosy up, sink in, sit back into the depths of my emotions and thoughts without worrying about the world and time that will pass me by.
I'll have time to search deep for You again Lord.
In that moment, Father, I pray, that You will grant me with your fresh spirit, encounter.
I pray that You will speak to me.
If going back to a place that's familiar is what's required, then I permit You to nudge at me from my past through nostalgia to grasp my attention.
Whatever it takes Lord.
I love You, Lord.

Work.

https://ymi.today/2019/10/when-i-was-blindly-chasing-my-boss-approval/

-

WHEN I WAS BLINDLY CHASING MY BOSS’ APPROVAL

Oct 30, 2019/0 Comments/in Life Issues, TOPICS /by Michele Ong

Iwatched intently as a group of HR staff handed out certificates and a small gift to the month’s outstanding worker. A small part of me hoped they would stop by my desk. But alas, after years of waiting, it never happened.

However, I was not going to let a monthly award program get in the way of me gaining the big prize, which in my eyes, was to be awarded the “exceeds expectations” grading in my annual performance review. Needless to say, I spent a huge amount of time trying to be the best employee there ever was in my department. I accepted assignments despite my growing workload, did overtime without complaining, and found ways to support both the marketing and buying team, each time thinking my efforts would catch my bosses’ attention.

So, imagine my disappointment when, after three years in my role, I failed to achieve the “exceeds expectations” grade, sitting on  “meets expectations” instead, which was one rank beneath.

So, imagine my disappointment when, after three years in my role, I failed to achieve the “exceeds expectations” grade, sitting on  “meets expectations” instead, which was one rank beneath.

Recently, a year after leaving the company and moving overseas for a different opportunity, I learned the workmate who took over my role was given “exceeds expectations”. A part of me died when the news reached my ears. Learning of her superior rating left me dissatisfied, and a strong sense of injustice washed over me.

“I worked my tail off too, putting in hours of work. What did she do that was different?” I thought. And in my opinion, she was a little hard to like. She enjoyed trumpeting her own successes (often within earshot of our managers), and wouldn’t think twice of spreading news about other people’s mistakes and failings. Thinking that a person like her would be able to attain the very grade I was hankering after made me envious.

Yes, I was one unhappy employee. But the incident saw a train of questions rolling through my head: Why was I so hung up over men’s reward systems? What does “meets” and “exceeds expectations” really mean in the larger scheme of things? Will it guarantee me a nicer, sweeter spot in Heaven? Would God say to me at the end of my life, “Well done, Michele, for achieving exceeds expectations in your annual work review”? Surely not!

Reflecting on these questions had me questioning the whys behind my work ethic.

Serving Our Earthly Bosses vs Serving God

You see, when I was working my tail off finishing every assignment, I did it because I really wanted my managers to approve of me (and also with hopes they wouldn’t think of laying me off should the company find itself in an economic jam). But along the way, I had forgotten that the one person who is truly worthy of my wholehearted service is God.

Ephesians 6:5-8 says we are to:

obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as we would obey Christ. Obey them not only to win their favor when their eye is on you, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart. Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people, because you know that the Lord will reward each one for whatever good they do, whether they are slaves or free.

A huge uh-oh moment sunk in when I read the verse as I realized that my intentions, while good, were misguided.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with giving our best at work, but working for God requires a greater sacrifice and commitment than working for our earthly bosses. For instance, with our bosses, it’s easy to pretend we are enjoying the extra tasks set before us even though we are disliking every minute of it. But as it says in Ephesians 6:5, we are to work with “sincerity of heart”, and I believe that this means not complaining behind our managers’ backs about our bulging inboxes or the unfair workload allocations (but bring it up with your manager, if you must).

When my eyes fell on the line “because you know the Lord will reward each one for whatever good they do,” I realized I should be looking to Him instead for my reward.  Even if our workmates around us have no issues blowing their own trumpets, or openly complaining about their struggles,  I think God would want me to soldier on quietly, and with integrity (not nipping out for extended coffee breaks or mindlessly watching YouTube videos when I should be working), even though my hard work might go unnoticed.

“Well Done, Good and Faithful Servant”

Ephesians 6:5-8 also helped me see that even when our earthly bosses may overlook us for a promotion or sweep our achievements under the carpet, God sees and judges everything, and He is a fair and just Person who does not change like shifting shadows (Psalm 25:8, James 1:17).

However, as a “slave of Christ”, the expectations He has for me are quite different from my employer’s, which are more about converting sales and meeting deadlines. I think if God were to map out my KPI (Key Performance Indicators), they would include loving my colleagues when they are insufferable (John 13:34-35), not giving in even when I am dying to pass on a delicious gossip (Ephesians 4:29), and honoring others (Romans 12:10)—to name a few.

I think if God were to map out my KPI (Key Performance Indicators), they would include loving my colleagues when they are insufferable (John 13:34-35), not giving in even when I am dying to pass on a delicious gossip (Ephesians 4:29), and honoring others (Romans 12:10)—to name a few.

And when work gets challenging and unfair, I believe God would want me to persevere (James 1:12), and to continue showing up for work every day with a positive attitude, ready to do good even when it gets hard (Galatians 6:9). I also know that God would not want me coveting my workmate’s performance review or her pay increase.

Doing the above can seem so dull and laborious. What fun is there in toiling if you can’t at least tell everyone what you’ve done? Why bother with integrity when everyone around you is taking long lunch breaks and watching funny cat videos on repeat? But as Christians, we are called to a higher standard, and we are “to do everything without complaining or arguing, so that we may be blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and perverse generation, in which we shine as lights in the world” (Philippians 2:15).

Identifying the different work standards I have been called to has made me realize that the temporal things I crave and chase aren’t as important to Him as how I’m treating those around me or conducting myself when no one else is looking. The “exceeds expectations” grade that I desired so much would pale in comparison to the reward of hearing the words, “Well done, good and faithful servant” at the end of my service on earth.

And that’s a goal worth aiming for.

Joker - a compelling story about our world.

https://ymi.today/2019/10/why-this-joker-should-be-taken-seriously/

9 Sep 2019

God, what do you say today?

-

https://ymi.today/2018/05/how-christianity-ruined-my-life/

Today, the wrestle with anxiety, is, fierce.

The spirit of anxiety, is so, oppressive, as it threatens to keep me separated from the liberation and freedom of my God, and keep me loomed in the dark as if light was nowhere to be found, all buried and overshadowed by the overwhelming darkness.

I may have been fooled once, which resulted in me falling on my knees and forehead on the floor, tears hesistantly flowing due to the tension between desperate hope and fear clouded with menacing skepticism, begging for God to perform a miracle just to liberate me from the suffocation of the moment, only to pick myself back up with my own strength, wiping the tears that barely flowed from my face, and felt as if I was cheated of my core belief system all these years throughout my existence.

But I shall not be fooled again. Even as I went through the motion, I was nowhere close to thinking that my God doesn't exist. (praise God for that). It felt oppressive still, but more like I knew I was going through a motion, I knew it'd pass, I knew I had to do something about it, I even had a wishful thinking of living life separate from my emotions - because I knew / know, that my emotions don't define my experience, nor me. I looked forward to doing devotion after my shower (albeit endless sidetracks/manifestations of anxiety coping mechanism), because I knew that it meant war, and it'd be combatted for sure, notwithstanding my emotions. I was yearning for a breakthrough and deep down was actually curious and highly inquisitive and anticipative as to how God was gonna take me through this tumultuous journey this time around. I had thoughts of victory as I conquer this fight in the days to come and when my experience becomes relevant and supportive of another person's. I really wanted to sleep to shut my mind so that it'd stop thinking or project self-harming thoughts, but I knew I shouldn't resort to the same method of escapism which I inadvertently committed myself with before. A part of me dreaded seeing the cliche verses or quotes on Instagram as the anxious millennial mind took over me and I scrolled endlessly for something yet for nothing at the same time.

I finally brought myself out of bed and randomly opening my blog again. I read the old stuff, felt inspired and lol, ridiciously jealous of the seemingly 'ardent' journey I went on previously. I so automatically compared my current state of mind / spirituality and wondered, "Dang, what happened to you?", immediately I thought again, "man, I can't believe you became one of them - who looked back retrospectively from the future, and wondered what and how it happened... You became one of them," I truly wondered in genuine fear whether I'd be able to "revert" to the ways, mind and heart of old again. In the same moment, I even managed to bring myself to grieve over this loss that I thought I was experiencing.

Yet, another part of me, faintly smiled with pursed lips on the inside knowing that because God is faithful, good and consistent (unlike me), my current journey is not condemning, shameful or worthless, to say the least. I can only rise higher than my current spiral of chaos, rise higher into bridging that gap between heaven and earth. I can only grow deeper into knowing and being acquinted with what His grace, love, sustenance means all over again. It reminds me of what Dr Vinod shared at homes and what Eld Ken Yiak shared before, "God challenges you only for more of His heart, never less."

As such, I have hope as I go through this season.

At one point of tonight, my mind brought me back to a picture of Israel that I literally, stepped foot on, and somewhat I felt a hint of this unspeakable subtle joy as well as peace, being assured that my God is real. If He chose Israel / the Israelites, and Israel 24/7 screams of His supernaturality and speechless beauty, as I shared my takeaway then, I know that the same good, God who planned for Jesus to die for us on the cross in Israel so that we can have free access to Him, is the same God wherever we are, same God for Malaysia, for this little space I'm inhabiting where it sometimes, seems impossible to reconcile God with (wearing this inferior and developing-Asian-world mentality :P). The thought of that gives me joy, hope, and peace. And surpassing peace - that reaffirms my truth and conviction, that God is real and is with me in that (and this) very moment.

xx "Coincidentally", I've also been hearing the Red Sea miracle recurringly over the past few days / weeks. Yesterday,  I shared with some friends and family the passage I came across that morning, Psalm 77 where David laments and cries, wondering if God has chosen to turn His back against Him.. Yet the passage continues with David, in spite of going through that motion of defeated and broken mentality, being persuaded by the memory of God's miracle in the past. One of the examples David raised, was God's parting of the Red Sea, where God said himself, "Your path is through the great waters; where no man has seen, and the footprints of God were not visible," I don't fully understand the last part about the footprints of God, but the rest of the verse just spoke earthquakes into the mountains inside my heart.

Today, as I felt so vividly in my brain and even in the express thought of, "Wow.. today, I think today.. is when I can firmly admit that I struggle with anxiety...." Man, anxiety is so threatening, oppressive and crippling. But right after that thought, another thought sought to reconcile the Red Sea principle, "What if this 'anxiety' is your Red Sea, and God is leading you to it, into it, and then He'll create and carve a way out from within the anxiety itself and part the Red Seas for you," "Perhaps God is helping you to overcome it by leading you in and through it, facing it head-on..."

Though I still wore my constipated face on the outside, I let out a sigh of "fear" and mild relief at the same time that God is working. I used to attribute challenges to lack of devotion, until I learnt that challenges are never far from the "devoted", perhaps even close sometimes, if not certainly inevitable, right after you have an encounter with Jesus. That the challenge comes to threaten your growth with the intention of suppressing it.

I did ask for more of God, perhaps this is the challenge after the encounter., the one step closer..

new faith

God, oh faithful God.

Won't you cause my faith to arise.