hello :)

these few days have been relatively interesting.
been feeling a tad bit heavy recently, prolly also attributed by the fact that i'm returning to uni next week, and the idea of "losing control" in a way sorta taunts me. felt pretty intimidated, worried, anxious..

however as i got up after watching 2 episodes of Plain Jane, i realised that the stitch chapter has got to close. oh and that was also after i read this post on a random website entitled, "how to know if you love, need or want someone". i realised prolly the desire was coming from me wanting to rebound to that sense of familiarity where i felt wrapped in the safety cocoon, feeling secure, reassured, comfortable, at ease. it's possible that there's love, but just love in a different way now.. or rather, maybe there was love before, and the current feelings could be the remnant of what we had before.. i dont know. it's interesting how i was actually feeling super geared up and pumped cuz i was gonna make changes - be vulnerable, feeling empowered as well, and that kickstarted the series of crazy events :O anywho, im glad it hit me that this chapter ought to close.

which also reminded me that the prev uni chapter ought to come to a seal as well. it's all bull, and it's been 2 months, i wanted to get better, i am better. i've got so many things i wanna do and pursue. i need to study hard, and wanna learn so many new skills, gain more knowledge. i dont even have to bother about other petty stuff. all of a sudden, i feel empowered, and fearless.

i know that God has a plan, He will not fail me, He's got our best interests in His hands.

our job is to love people

im okay.

Best day :)

Super happy day

^ :D

Bumped into sah many people - aaron sheena eric yongg zi xian swenson cyc stanley kylie justina jonas daryl alex c alex th ssing nee flavia loke neelsson noobbbird ggodwin jeeremy wychern, boey shanice elva, chatted with jeremy and eugene and daryl of course :) and the guy who used to ride around the taman who's buddies with joshua!

ooh! met macei and cheau li, then yamcha with pops moms jie cheau li macei alexc ronnald! went for golf for ze first time!!!

YAY!

YAY!

double yay.

God is so good! just even with parking slots, awesome time in bangkok/myanmar - finding that skirt shop :), and safe journeys, and saving me from that v'day dinner thing tmr :((( AWESOMEEE. 

lalala~

 

"I may not have a perfect performance, but I know my heart is right."

dear john

one of my favourite books! esp loved this excerpt.

_______________________________________________

"I sold the collection because I finally understood what true love really meant. Tim had told me—and shown me—that love meant that you care for another person’s happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be. I’d left Tim’s hospital room knowing that he’d been right. But doing the right thing wasn’t easy. These days, I lead my life feeling that something is missing that I somehow need to make my life complete. I know that my feeling about Savannah will never change, and I know I will always wonder about the choice I made.

And sometimes, despite myself, I wonder if Savannah feels the same way. Which of course explains the other reason I came to Lenoir.

I stare at the ranch as evening settles in. It’s the first night of the full moon, and for me, the memories will come. They always do. I hold my breath as the moon begins its slow rise over the mountain, its milky glow edging just over the horizon. The trees turn liquid silver, and though I want to return to those bittersweet memories, I turn away and look at the ranch again.

For a long time, I wait in vain. The moon continues its slow arc across the sky, and one by one, the lights in the house wink out. I find myself focusing anxiously on the front door, hoping for the impossible. I know that she won’t appear, but I still can’t force myself to leave. I breathe in slowly, as if hoping to draw her out.

And when I see her finally emerge from the house, I feel a strange tingling in my spine, one I’ve never experienced before. She pauses on the steps, and I watch as she turns and seems to stare in my direction. I freeze for no reason—I know she can’t possibly see me. From my perch, I watch as Savannah closes the door quietly behind her. She slowly descends the steps and wanders to the center of the yard.

She pauses then and crosses her arms, glancing over her shoulder to make sure no one has followed her. Finally, she seems to relax. And then I feel as if I’m witnessing a miracle, as ever so slowly she raises her face toward the moon. I watch her drink in the sight, sensing the flood of memories she’s unleashed and wanting nothing more than to let her know I’m here. But instead I stay where I am and stare up at the moon as well. And for the briefest instant, it almost feels like we’re together again."

:)) this shizzle aint no shizzle

So today's been a great day! After so long dreading with my long locks, I finally went to Team to do something about it. Had no idea at all, was anticipating something different, and thought of Sher's hair that I absolutely adore and hence decided to do the same. So happy. So Alex chopped off much of my locks, oh if you didn't know, I LOVE cutting my hair. When it gets too long, it just bothers me, and I'm secretly hoping I could cut it myself every time haha. But then my hair's always long cuz I'm unsure what to do with it. Back in high school, chopping it off was an easy decision cuz I just do a ponytail everyday and nobody cares. OH and the long hair especially irritates me worse when I'm wearing a pony tail, i'm just like "URRRRRGGGHHHHHH" on the inside. :P anyway, since I left high school, chopping my hair off didn't come as easy firstly because I permed it, and secondly, I seemed to look nicer with longer hair rather than midlength, cuz it'll just drain the glow away from my face, I feel. And since I'm like sorta 'embracing adolescence' in a way, i gotta make sure I look like a.. lady. Lol.

As of today, i was excited cuz I like change. And I'm so into chopping my hair but obviously trading for a good look too. I just couldn't wear it any longer. And now, my hair is halfway done :P I'm supposed to cut, dye and perm, but so far only cut and dye has been done. And though I don't look extraordinarily ravishing, I'm really happy, and I just can't seem to give a care in the world. And it feels amazing. So light, and I just... really don't care.

Which reminds me of the adventurous trait that I got going on which has rather lied dormant for a while? Mmm. I remember being up for most things, probably anything at all cuz I was up for challenges, and I liked change, I liked being different. Whilst absolutely understanding that I'm not cut out for everything (or rather cut out for just something only - which I probably haven't even figured out), the process was always gratifying, and would always be an achievement that I would constantly brag about, in my head. :) Even if things didn't run smoothly, I'd always look at the bright side, and never regret. I remember telling myself I should never regret anything, because there's no point doing so, and everything happens for a reason. I used to live by these quotes so confidently being responsible for each decision I make. And so naturally as well, that i didn't deliberately work it in my head. It was as though I was customised that way already. Somehow, being ready to bear the consequences of sloppy decisions didn't seem scary or overwhelming at all - because i thought, u know rainbow after the rain, and there's always something to learn from everything. So positive. Not sure if that's attributed to wise decisions (I doubt so), but maybe it was just the hardcore-positivity that was carrying me through.

Somewhere along moving on from high school, I suppose my focus has diverted and I began to take for granted that mechanism that kept me going. Rather than being 'fearless' (always freaking out tbh) and adventurous, taking risks, I resorted to believing that I deserve the luxury of choice and started making decisions attempting to stay in my comfort zone. Rather than being soaked into the beauty of taking risks, I suppose I actually began to care about what people, whether significant or not, thought of me. With that clouding my judgment, I suppose I gave excuses that life was happening, problem was with them not me, and I just also confidently made decisions, trusting my guts based on past high school experiences that seemed to bear fruits. But little did I know, my sense of judgment has given way long ago. And it's time to be humble, really humble, again, and let life steers its own course.

I don't wanna have high expectations. In fact, if I could, I don't wanna expect at all. I just wanna stay simple, going back to believing in just doing my best in everything, period. I just wanna keep doing things that make me happy. I wanna take risks!!! I wanna always do something different, and keep learning about life that way. I wanna just chop off my hair, and not give a care in the world. I wanna keep learning!!! I wanna live a simple life. Embrace all that's happening, all the feelings, the moments. Without worrying what happens in the future. Of course, keeping my walls up too.

*

I've been reading lately. Finished these 3, and the first one is my fav among all. 

Moving on to Joel Osteen next :)

 

I'm a terrible selfie person. And I don't like being vain.

whatevs. hahah. it's just shorter now.

I'm up for challenges. I wanna fight. And I'm not gonna look at this the same again. I'm gonna be humble, and face this challenge, and I will learn something out of this.

thank you Jesus :)