And when the earth fails

Falls from my eyes

And You stand before me

I know You love me

Oh, I know You love me

"Wrecked, by anxiety"

hm, he's not wrong there..

the fight with anxiety, i thought was almost (long) over. it's in parenthesis cuz when therapy was ongoing & when i gradually grew to share with others my journey, each time i shared felt like I had anxiety over/under me, felt i had it under control (or what felt like an overcoming feeling), that empowering sensational yet surreal feeling that... this is smth i might have overcome having struggled with it for..ever, and for the most part, i was in this bubble of anxiety which was my reality, it wasn't until therapy that i was able to detach myself from the-caught-up-in-a-anxious-bubble-me and look at myself objectively from above. i must say, that perspective is very liberating... it's a position filled with hope - the relief of (just) being able to see from that vantage point (cuz how often are we incapable of finding perspective right); hope - cuz I can then sit in a safe space to charter my steps forward to get myself out of that bubble; more hope - cuz I can then aspire to live into a better future, a happier one... *deep breaths

for the most of the latter part of my sessions, i'd always be able to say that "i think im doing better at work.. i havent felt like that in a while.. perhaps not since the first few times i saw you. i no longer face urges to hurt myself to cope..." whilst thinking, cuz i know i can come see you to cope..

[and that being a full on meltdown, panic attack, inability to bring myself to finish my intended task for a day, forcefully read my devotion in hope of finding comfort & healing & peace yet to only feel like nth's changed and to abandon my course of the night tho i've already arrived at the destination so i can climb back to bed and just... cry....]

the irony is when my therapist first suggested of discharging me (or rather 'wrapping up our sessions') during our 2nd last session, i felt mild anxiety creeping up on me freaking out about what'd happened without therapy! she's always been my fallback, my process mechanism, my crutch... what if i regress / revert / go crazy! im still the same person - need to process a million things a hundredfold - but with therapy, i can spare my close friends from my insane need to process which i thought has improved my chemistry with my friends too. without that, who do i process with? what if my friends get too burdene dby me?! what if i cant make sense... :( the list goes on. the above (which is just a foretaste) was a threat by lil Ms A, but wasn't enough to scare me cuz we hadn't planned abt out discharging in concrete ways. 

in reflection, towards the later few sessions, esp the last, i myself did concur that there is probably no more need to come in so frequently. in fact soemtimes i get nervous (not the bad kind) before sessions where i find myself lying awake at night wondering what do i share with my therapist tomorrow.... plus since the last time i assured her that my episodes were less / no longer forthcoming, i've shared abt my joruney with a couple more ppl over a continuous 2 weeks (with my sister and brother) which has given me this confidence boost, that hmm maybe anxiety is after under me.. ya know? thsi was right before the last session.

when the last session came, i was in this state of peace, comfort of being in my own skin having shared wat i shared with my siblings (which was a huge step) and inadvertently added to my confidence along the way. Despite my initial desire to maintain therapy as a part of my life forever (like how one views exercise), I resigned to teh thought that therapy was probably not intended as a crutch but rather to help us develop emotional independence, develop skills to build emotional resilience and to teach us manage ourselves better. 

Ok, fine..

then this past week came - and i've been feeling so meh, demotivated.... I was still outweighed by my independent-i've got this emotion thiknming it's probably exacerbated by the moon, until my boss' statement of "are you still behind?" pulled the trigger and i went complete downhill from there. I got super emo, depressive, just distant from the world, emotionally so burdened & choked up. I become unprodcutive at work, just dreading to end work, go home, sleep it off, wake up dreading work, praying/wishing i was sick so i can escape work) go to work, hoping my boss wont jump on me that i still have some grace merits to fall back on, wait for the weekend (which ever passes by so swfitly & nth really gets done where my emotional repose is conerned) and the cycle continues..... 

ytd i was so stubborn that i decided i just wanna do what i wanna do so i read a novel for 3hrs + and just fell asleep. this morning i wokr up thinking, enough is enough. i gotta get my shit tgt.

in teh midst of getting my shit tgt, my hands were tremebling here n there, my voice stuttered over the phone with government officers, my actions wer unfocused, mind going chaotic while trying to remind myself "the worst is that your boss will just question you" in hopes of claming whatever it is that needs calming...

the portion i read ytd on " My Name is Hope" attributes anxiety to many possible reasons, one of which is to please people / to seek teh approval of others. The night before I had given some money away which i think aligns to my conviction & which i think objectively God will not be displeased with. Yet i freaked out cuz ppl thought i was so silly and naive to have given such a big amount. The terms used in the book was "constantly second-guessing your conversations" (decisions - in my case) and is it that "the fear of man is what drives you. You are more concerned with what people think of you, then with what God thinks of you". In that moment, i decided to let go - cuz I know for a fact (i'd like to think/say) that God will think well of me, and so i should just abandon what the world will think of my very same decision.

in the midst of my quivering abt,  my fear was disappointing my boss. but i told myself to just speak to her anyway. true enough (which is almost 99% of the time), i come back to my room more relaxed (though still burdened in heart), but quivers have taken a break, and here i am writing away...

shoutout to the Most High

 Feel so, loved, by the most High.

So random sometimes. but my eyes just wanna tear as I'm listening to Make Room. 

As I lay down every burden, every crown...

Nothing dramatic happening, yet the peace of God holds me, safe & tight.

love you, Lord!

short

 today, i've been so short, and entitled.  ugh the latter is one of my least favourite word in the dictionary and i can't believe (my pride) identify, myself! ughhh

my exchange with JD over the weekend tho came as nostalgic, but rings true til today. it's when im with my family that my ugliest unravels.

leftovers from dinner have always been purposed for my work lunch - to my great (conceited) advantage - i save money, yay! last night's lunch consist of pork ribs - not a fan, so i told mum i didn't want it for lunch. but being a leftover, if not lunch, it'd go to the bin. mum mildly "pleaded" to just bring for lunch. i reluctantly agreed, and did nth but left it to my mum to clean up after us when dinner ended. i knew we didn't have enough rice to bring for lunch, cuz i was on rice duty in prep for dinner. this morning when i awoke to find a small clump of rice with 1 pork rib & few pieces of vege - i was enraged, thinking that on top of my earlier disappointment of a smoothie-less morning due to my own forgetfulness from bringing back my blender (which i tried to blame my mum for throwing the other substitute bottle cuz she thought it looked gross) - i just lost it. part of me thought "mum how is this a proper lunch for me", while i wrestled with other tensions within that goes deeper (that more likely is the cause of the misbehavior)  thinking "i'd have to spend money for lunch today" and then there's money issues, there's my morning lateness issue which added to my aggression, my wrestle with tryna make it with morning devotion, the leftover effect from my late night coffee which i *clearly* knew was a bad idea, there's a part of me which have yet to process my anxiety as i delivered work to my boss last night at 830pm after having told her at 115pm that i'll revert shortly and my insecurity interrogates me on why i take so long to work, the passive aggression towards my family as I've been reading "Educated" and feelign the tension of my desires dreams vs my reality, and to make things "worse", my parents didn't think i look nice in my outfit (which offended my vanity) lmao. I took a deep breath, grumbled and left... 

only to immediately find myself in the stark realisation of how selfish and mean, i am.

so much for the excitement of hanging out with my friends tonight whom i think appreciate me for being a nice enough person, i'm a hypocrite and a monster at home. the stark contrast of my behaviour, even i myself struggle to reconcile.

i feel terrible, contrite and i pray for forgiveness.

thankfully for JMC podcasts, i'm slowly learning to be more open with going through life with the exposure of our shadow sides (or more rightly put, our ugly monsters) without succumbing to defeat and shame each time - for there is a gift in every experience (if we know where to look), and such is the journey of being made (refined, moulded) into His image every day... it's important for us to have a space (community/home) for our ugly monsterheads to unravel yet safe and gracious enough to hold us through these moments and loving enough to love us through our growth from that to another person of higher character. for that, i'm thankful for my family, my job, my church.. 

all that said, i'm not tryna justify my actions or find excuses for my shortcomings (literally). i pray this will drive me into greater urgency to truly set aside 1h everynight before bed to process my day/being/life (to shake off my entitlement arghugghhh) before the presence of God (and ofcourse the 1h everymorning before my day starts) so i don't carry this to another day (where people underservingly get the less of me).

i thank God for the opportunity to do life, with Him.

 You find God's Will in ur life in your limitations

philipi 2

 - Philippians 2

- daily death to self, in entrustment of the one who judges justly

- space for shadow stuff to come into your/our field of awareness

- If you can see it , then you stand a way better chance to not let it run your behaviour

- dessert is part of how God creates leaders, meant to be a short-term experience biblically. Desert is a lonely place where you're in isolation for a purpose.

- isolation & loneliness blackened experience of God

- busyness is an incredible coping mechanism that enables people to not face their fears

zz

 i suppose one of the hardest things about work is ....

[man i had them worded clearer in my head earlier] 

[they're almost completely gone now.. gonna try to re-enact the scenario in hopes of finding the right words...]

is that....

is associated with....

no matter how hard i try, i still fall short. and it's an exhausting feeling.

is having to speak to my boss apolgetically to say how i overlooked this...

is how there's 10 things that could have gone right, but 1 thing tat didnt will remain magnified...

its really annoying & idk if i could get used to feeling like this all the time.

//

working on a holiday... or rather "attempting to".

forgoing chill-time with parents

many condemn it

but i think its how i manage my anxiety

so what's right / what's not

what's good for you / what's not

idk.

will i ever get over it / behind this?

what if this is perpetuity.. and not just

'early years of practice'..

🙄

//

perpetually stressed... / anxious....

..

#bless

 “God has yet to bless anyone except where they actually are, and if we faithlessly discard situation after situation, moment after moment, as not being "right",we will simply have no place to receive his kingdom into our life.”

― Dallas Willard

:)

 

(Your peace is...) overwhelming me...

 my anxiety is overwhelming me...

is this (gonna) be.... forever?

 need. 

to. 

cry........

 i feel the weight of my mistakes, inadequacies.. so personally.. so deeply........

is this normal?

choppy waters

 "(i think...) you need to be brave...

you need to have courage, 

to make mistakes.

you are so young,

it's harder to have courage when you're older.

i can't change her - her upbringing was as such,

but you're different, you went to the UK,

you need to learn to think and speak up."

*deep sighs

I think what happened is more serious than what it seems on the face of it. While I think we both know that no employee is perfect, her wrath is palpable on Day 1. Though it did seem like she tried to mitigate it by striking casual convos abt Tokyo at the day's end. Then the long heavy conversation came on Day 2. And i continue to feel the weight of the disappointment, day in day out since then.. *sighs

I feel deeply embroiled in her wrath.

instantly or perpetually, i keep returning to this place where I'm tempted to blame my parents for this.

why did they not arrest it at its earlist tell-tales,

and allow these insecuritise to manifest at places of work where they shouldn't.

why did they not arrest it at Home - these mistakes are meant to be made / contained during childhood/teenhood at home... so they will be arrested, dealt with so they won't surface at work / professional settings... into the society.

i try to imagine the permutation of the aftermath had it happened at home...

parents would probably be mad at me. but i suppose what i'm relinquished off is the shame that comes with failures. they still ought to feed me, love me, care for me, i still wake up the next day their child under their roof, and i try again.

here, my shame reeks everywhere...

my boss is not legally literally or in any way subject to an obligation to nurture, to teach, to care for my emotions along the way..

she's entitled to feel disappointed at a job badly done,and enforce judgment in the form of letting dismissal because i, in substance, failed to honour my part of the bargain.

we're lawyers - an eye for an eye, quid pro quo, arm's length.... we are a team, we're not family...

how do i go on from here?

whilst i'm still basking in my pool of shame, a part of me has peace that I'm finally dealing with this insecurity / fear head on. it's so hard. but i have a small hope that, from this season onwards, that I may be set free from this... forever.

I came cross the news of Dave Hollis' passing today.. So devastating. The start of his tribute in this article introduced him as the author of "Built Through Courage: Face Your Fears to Live the Life You Were Meant For". Suddenly, this title speaks so personally on a different level, to me.

I certainly crave for a fresh start.

I wish.. I could walk away, with my shame. Call it quits. Then start afresh somewhere else. Where my dirty linen is not known. Perhaps, the liberty of a fresh start can be my catharsis. I also keep returning to the thought that "Had i not stayed this long, my dirty parts wouldnt surface." I've had this thought for a while... "had i left earlier, i could avoid the risk of stepping on someone's toes that comes in any/all relationships given enough time".

My devotion today says God is a God of second chances.

While I feel like an absolute failure as if I'm the only person this could happen to, I struggle to believe the title that's supposedly meant to speak to every one of us as if failure is really no stranger to any of us. I struggle... to believe.... that anyone could be worse than me. But i find grace in that God loves, despite me.

Yesterday was a story in fresh starts too [ TBC on this]

"bcuz of what happened, it caused a lot of tension in our working relationship"

ytd's devotions was on "restored relationships" [TBC] - Lord, I pray for a restored relationship with my boss.. as much as we think it doesn't get personal, it does get personal...

I wish I was better.. I wish I was perfect.. though I know, I know...

Oh, what's the reason for this season? *sighs

- Lord, help / have your way in me -

depr?

 I used to not be able to appreciate how depression could be a long-term "journey".

I rmb how shocked I was the first time I heard of this suggestion. A pastor shared that his wife has depression and in his ministry, he had inadvertently neglected his wife's needs and/or overlooked that his wife was still going through this journey. I remember someone said that she accepted that she had depression and it's just something she has to go through and deal with. It was the first time I learnt that depression could be a long term struggle, rather than an "illness" that would just go away upon being medicated upon. I didnt know until then that it was not a one-off episode. My shock then as a naive college student was on many levels! firstly, I didn't know that even pastors/people related/close to them could have their "lot"! second is of course is that depression could be such a long............ journey.... 

brb

 

G&G

"Some feelings are like old familiar friends. Depression's like that for me. When I'm not in it, I don't remember it. I remember it's bad. I remember the darkness, but it's... different to feel it again. It's the difference between remembering what a room looks like and actually walking through the door. Being inside it again. Feeling it. When the episode starts, it can be slow at first. An intrusive thought, "I don't wanna be here," but then it's gone. You bat it away like a fly or a bad smell. When it hits you fully though, when you're really in it, it's everything. It's who you are, you're nothing else. On the outside, you look the same, smiling and pretending is so much work, but inside, it's a different story. You start to hate yourself. You're so alone, so unbelievably alone. And you can be with someone you love, but you're not really with them. We think we know what's going on with other people, but we don't. You never really know what's going on inside someone else's head. Everyone's fighting a battle you can't see. We all have blind spots."

"It’s not Ginny. I love Ginny. She’s the only thing that makes me happy. That’s the problem. No one person should be responsible for your happiness. That’s not fair."