It's interesting how...
If I were part of the audience, thus not one of the participants during advocacy, I am able to analyze the situation in my logical mind, and undergo critical thinking individually and find myself having significant takeaways upon the end of it.
But when I am part of the play, I get so consumed in delivering what I ought to do, and unable to critically analyze or absorb everything else that is going on like a third person would.
yet at the end of the day, everyone is just trying to perform their roles to their maximum, in order to "perform a good show" to the audience/jury, which all makes sense at the end of it.
uncanny...
is this how its supposed to be? hmm.
Wednesday, December 6
Sunday, December 3
Happiest I've (ever) been!
This draft was created on 23 October 2017, with the same title.
It's been ringing in my head for the past few days,
Felt exceptionally loud last night.
I'm glad, after 1 month plus, I still feel the same.
*
In fact, today, I feel like I could really cry on my last day here. I'm not sure if it's the coffee. (But at least I'm sure it's not PMS, so I'm not living a lie! :P)
But at the same time, I suppose, I'm glad I'm feeling it now (this early), so I still have ample opportunity to appreciate time with people around me, that I think I love oh so dearly, albeit I have yet to get to know each of them better honestly.
Oh such lovable people,
Oh such is our God with endless love, kindness, grace, wonder..
And perfection.
You take me on a fantasy in this reality, my Lord.
Oh how I am so grateful...
(to be continued...)
It's been ringing in my head for the past few days,
Felt exceptionally loud last night.
I'm glad, after 1 month plus, I still feel the same.
*
In fact, today, I feel like I could really cry on my last day here. I'm not sure if it's the coffee. (But at least I'm sure it's not PMS, so I'm not living a lie! :P)
But at the same time, I suppose, I'm glad I'm feeling it now (this early), so I still have ample opportunity to appreciate time with people around me, that I think I love oh so dearly, albeit I have yet to get to know each of them better honestly.
Oh such lovable people,
Oh such is our God with endless love, kindness, grace, wonder..
And perfection.
You take me on a fantasy in this reality, my Lord.
Oh how I am so grateful...
(to be continued...)
Wednesday, November 29
my in-betweens
 |
| Lol just kidding! Wish I had that SASS! |
*
Another day of failure.
Another day of getting back up..
Another day of moving on...
*
Tuesday, November 28
life
Another disappointing advocacy session...
What is my lesson today?
What is my lesson today?
gotta pick myself back up.
and try again.
Monday, November 27
Tuesday, November 21
my reality...
"Why me, Lord?"
"Why did You decide to put me somewhere that is completely out of my character, to do something, which I think is something someone else could do and would do it perfectly. I could be doing something else and excel at it maybe, something I don't feel as taxing, pressuring, more natural, more enjoyable, something I wouldn't have to go home constantly questioning myself, something that's more "me"?.... Why me, here, this?"
"Why did You decide to put me somewhere that is completely out of my character, to do something, which I think is something someone else could do and would do it perfectly. I could be doing something else and excel at it maybe, something I don't feel as taxing, pressuring, more natural, more enjoyable, something I wouldn't have to go home constantly questioning myself, something that's more "me"?.... Why me, here, this?"
*
"Would you deny yourself, for the cause of Christ?"
Would you deny yourself, take up the Cross, for me?
Saturday, November 18
Hunger and thirst
Hunger and thirst, that only You can fill...
I come to You with this thirst,
Won't You fill my cup Lord...
Tuesday, October 24
My courtroom sentiments
Today, my heart sank, & I wore a slightly perplexed & more jaded mind as I left the Magistrates Court in Bristol. Funny for me to say this, considering what the parties to the case I had just witnessed must be going through... My feelings don't seem to be justified at all in this comparison. *sighs*
I visited 3 hearings with my coursemates, 2 of which were domestic violence cases, 1 quick one was on minor fraud. The first case involved a verbal abuse by the husband to his spouse, and we ended our day with a domestic violence case between a young couple with 4 children which engaged in a verbal combat never ceasing going around in circles, with the prospect of really resolving a conflict and of filling up the real & striking gaps really distant in thin air. The injury that was brought up in the latter's case involved a mere pink bump on the wife's forehead, whereas her husband contested that he had suffered injuries in his hands and neck due to her clawings - his photos were unfortunately not presented, I don't know why. (crush) Thank goodness the injuries were only as severe as aforementioned, I honestly don't think I could have handled anything more gruesome, at least not today...
It was such a great and fulfilling experience! I truly had many lessons and insights to take away.
1) It's amazing how much the real court scene reflects a TV drama. Part of me feels ecstatic that I can relate and be so engaged, each time anticipating the next party to make his move and see what happens next. Part of me felt rather sinful to maybe enjoying this a little too much. With this, I also felt disheartened learning how the reality of some people's lives could be as dramatic as a tv show... You either win or lose big time. & that would be final, some people's lives will just be changed forever.
2) My heart took a blow each time I saw the defendants unrepresented. I can recall this emotive phase during my past court visits in M'sia - where several drug/theft offenders were left unrepresented during their plea in mitigation, they were silent as to what to do, but God bless the gracious judge who prompted them quite significantly with leading questions causing them to give answers that reflect their real and present mitigating circumstances. I will never forget this. I will also not forget the officers/court assistants who sneered and scorned at the suspects. During that time, one offender had a representation. When it came to others turns, the lawyer sat back at the bench with the crowd. I know it is not his duty or responsibility to represent other people for free, but I can't help but feel that he could have done more... Today, all the suspects were unrepresented. In my mind, I kept wondering what the reason could be. Could it be money? Or ignorance? Either way, they're not good reasons. It's not the most exciting scene to witness a person trying to fend for himself in the witness box, whilst being dictated what to do, when he may not be aware of what matters and what not in that situation which could potentially break his life...
4) Thank God that language is not a barrier in England! Albeit no representation, they were able to understand what was going on, at least to a certain extent, and could interact / engage with the judges/lawyers at least, in an organic human way.
3) I also appreciated how the judges and court assistants were rather polite and courteous whilst interacting with the suspects / parties. e.g. the court clerk reiterated twice to the first suspect his right to free legal representation, to ensure he knows clearly what his rights were.
4) I also appreciated the free legal aid that was made available!
5) It was also disheartening to be confronted with such realities of life that do exist. Circumstances that people live in which we may not be aware of all the time, or forget because we are just so blessed... The man in the first case pleaded guilty at first instance, he later broke down when the court asked him if he has anything else to say, and said, "I don't know why i did what i did. When I see a fly, I open the window to let it out. I would never hurt anyone. I just lost everything because of my stupidity. I lost my house, my family, my friends..." Aiyo, my heart just sank, or a heavy anchor sank into the depths of my heart. Having said that, the prosecution's account of events in such details of his verbal abuse certainly scraps away some sympathy. It made me wonder, what could have potentially gone wrong in this person's life that's caused him to lead the life he now has...
6) In relation to the previous case, I also appreciate that the English courts do adjudicate fairness and intervene in cases even as seemingly trivial as "verbal abuse". Well, it also included threats to kill and crude threats of violence. Nevertheless, it is enlightening as I don't know if this would be a common scene in Malaysia's courts.
7) I appreciate that the BPTC is highly reflective of real-life practice. It was insightful to see barristers in action, interacting with the judges in a reasonable, rational and sensible enough manner. The professionalism of legal practitioners is commendable (although I also felt bad for the people who had to be grilled by such refined and well-trained barristers :( :P).
I left the courts in a rather perplexed state because the last case just didn't seem to go anywhere. Both parties had plenty of gaps in their stories, I don't know who to believe, how to feel, how to judge. To a certain extent, I do feel slightly betrayed at the contemplation of potential lies (that'd then make me cringe at the thought of how out of character ppl are capable to become when they are hard-pressed). I wonder how the judges will attempt to resolve this deadlock, in all their wisdom.
Anyway, you must be thinking, "aiyo, with so much emotions, how to become a lawyer? how to do anything if so emotional???" As emotional and gullible I may have presented myself to be, I understand that stories may be fabricated, it could have all been an act to win the court's sympathy. And that brings me back to the harshness of reality.
Sitting through the courts, I kept pondering in my heart, "God, what do you want me to do with this experience? With all that I'm feeling?" I wondered which part of my dormant dreams, desires & probably undiscovered passion could have been sparked or fuelled. I also played through briefly the possibilities of me wearing different hats in relation to the various personnel that were present in the courtroom. I didn't find an answer, which is fine.. :) //
I visited 3 hearings with my coursemates, 2 of which were domestic violence cases, 1 quick one was on minor fraud. The first case involved a verbal abuse by the husband to his spouse, and we ended our day with a domestic violence case between a young couple with 4 children which engaged in a verbal combat never ceasing going around in circles, with the prospect of really resolving a conflict and of filling up the real & striking gaps really distant in thin air. The injury that was brought up in the latter's case involved a mere pink bump on the wife's forehead, whereas her husband contested that he had suffered injuries in his hands and neck due to her clawings - his photos were unfortunately not presented, I don't know why. (crush) Thank goodness the injuries were only as severe as aforementioned, I honestly don't think I could have handled anything more gruesome, at least not today...
It was such a great and fulfilling experience! I truly had many lessons and insights to take away.
1) It's amazing how much the real court scene reflects a TV drama. Part of me feels ecstatic that I can relate and be so engaged, each time anticipating the next party to make his move and see what happens next. Part of me felt rather sinful to maybe enjoying this a little too much. With this, I also felt disheartened learning how the reality of some people's lives could be as dramatic as a tv show... You either win or lose big time. & that would be final, some people's lives will just be changed forever.
2) My heart took a blow each time I saw the defendants unrepresented. I can recall this emotive phase during my past court visits in M'sia - where several drug/theft offenders were left unrepresented during their plea in mitigation, they were silent as to what to do, but God bless the gracious judge who prompted them quite significantly with leading questions causing them to give answers that reflect their real and present mitigating circumstances. I will never forget this. I will also not forget the officers/court assistants who sneered and scorned at the suspects. During that time, one offender had a representation. When it came to others turns, the lawyer sat back at the bench with the crowd. I know it is not his duty or responsibility to represent other people for free, but I can't help but feel that he could have done more... Today, all the suspects were unrepresented. In my mind, I kept wondering what the reason could be. Could it be money? Or ignorance? Either way, they're not good reasons. It's not the most exciting scene to witness a person trying to fend for himself in the witness box, whilst being dictated what to do, when he may not be aware of what matters and what not in that situation which could potentially break his life...
4) Thank God that language is not a barrier in England! Albeit no representation, they were able to understand what was going on, at least to a certain extent, and could interact / engage with the judges/lawyers at least, in an organic human way.
3) I also appreciated how the judges and court assistants were rather polite and courteous whilst interacting with the suspects / parties. e.g. the court clerk reiterated twice to the first suspect his right to free legal representation, to ensure he knows clearly what his rights were.
4) I also appreciated the free legal aid that was made available!
5) It was also disheartening to be confronted with such realities of life that do exist. Circumstances that people live in which we may not be aware of all the time, or forget because we are just so blessed... The man in the first case pleaded guilty at first instance, he later broke down when the court asked him if he has anything else to say, and said, "I don't know why i did what i did. When I see a fly, I open the window to let it out. I would never hurt anyone. I just lost everything because of my stupidity. I lost my house, my family, my friends..." Aiyo, my heart just sank, or a heavy anchor sank into the depths of my heart. Having said that, the prosecution's account of events in such details of his verbal abuse certainly scraps away some sympathy. It made me wonder, what could have potentially gone wrong in this person's life that's caused him to lead the life he now has...
6) In relation to the previous case, I also appreciate that the English courts do adjudicate fairness and intervene in cases even as seemingly trivial as "verbal abuse". Well, it also included threats to kill and crude threats of violence. Nevertheless, it is enlightening as I don't know if this would be a common scene in Malaysia's courts.
7) I appreciate that the BPTC is highly reflective of real-life practice. It was insightful to see barristers in action, interacting with the judges in a reasonable, rational and sensible enough manner. The professionalism of legal practitioners is commendable (although I also felt bad for the people who had to be grilled by such refined and well-trained barristers :( :P).
I left the courts in a rather perplexed state because the last case just didn't seem to go anywhere. Both parties had plenty of gaps in their stories, I don't know who to believe, how to feel, how to judge. To a certain extent, I do feel slightly betrayed at the contemplation of potential lies (that'd then make me cringe at the thought of how out of character ppl are capable to become when they are hard-pressed). I wonder how the judges will attempt to resolve this deadlock, in all their wisdom.
Anyway, you must be thinking, "aiyo, with so much emotions, how to become a lawyer? how to do anything if so emotional???" As emotional and gullible I may have presented myself to be, I understand that stories may be fabricated, it could have all been an act to win the court's sympathy. And that brings me back to the harshness of reality.
Sitting through the courts, I kept pondering in my heart, "God, what do you want me to do with this experience? With all that I'm feeling?" I wondered which part of my dormant dreams, desires & probably undiscovered passion could have been sparked or fuelled. I also played through briefly the possibilities of me wearing different hats in relation to the various personnel that were present in the courtroom. I didn't find an answer, which is fine.. :) //
"Break my heart for what breaks Yours,"
Are these what that break Your heart, my Lord?
*
*
Sunday, October 22
Friday, October 13
Tuesday, October 3
Sunday, October 1
yes & no
“Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone.
The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.”
Lin Yutang
The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.”
Lin Yutang
Wednesday, September 27
Wednesday, September 20
child, be still & know.
Today, I was greeted by this beautiful and captivating view embracing UWE. Gosh, what a beautiful university. Couldn't hold back my admiration for its beauty. My mind went blank, all skepticism fled, & really I had nothing to say except marvel in this beauty.
A verse then popped into my head. "Taste & see that the Lord is good..." I couldn't finish the verse :P I googled it, & it continued with "blessed is the one who take refuge in Him." (Psalm 34:8)
Amen.
It felt a little like a slap in the face (obviously not slap, God wouldn't do that :P) just thinking about the fit I threw yesterday, how I felt that God wasn't with me, I couldn't feel his coverage, so plagued by fear, anxiety, worry... I was so distracted by skepticism despite being certain of my salvation in my heart/head, & albeit I searched & sought & sought to immerse myself in Bible verses trying to find hold God account to His promises. I was so upset when peace didn't come as instantly as I wished it would.
This morning, I woke up. After the Actors Session, I felt so much better. I knew that time would heal.
After class today, as I walked back to my accommodation, upon stumbling upon this view, I couldn't find any cell in me that could defy God's goodness. I was comforted as I acknowledged the second half of the verse, "blessed are those who take refuge in Him," Something whispered in my heart, "You are blessed, Belle." Then I'm reminded by Jade's encouragement, "You're too blessed to be stressed!"
Then in my heart I couldn't stop thinking "Great is Your faithfulness".
I was tempted to be skeptical as to whether this was God's way of speaking to me, but there's really no denying God's wonderful creation. There's nothing else I could say or think or bring myself to say, but just say that "God is good." It is evidently palpable through His creations. Psalms 19:1 "The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands." My human being is just puny & purely incapable to not fall into worship. I so enjoyed my little alone walk with perfect weather today, I wish it could've lasted forever...
I am comforted, albeit also embarrassed.
But above all, I'm so thankful.
Thankful for all that's been happening. :)
(Thankful for such heartwarming text convos with mum & A. Eve today)
Thank You Lord. :)
*gotta make space for quietness, & let Him speak. I should prolly do this everyday, go outside, sit for a bit, & enjoy His wondrous works - especially in a beautiful country with PERFECT weather!!! hehe.
Sunday, September 10
retrospective sense
"Now that you've finished your year in Reading, if you could go back knowing how it'd be, what would you change?"
I actually miss it so much.
I'd take more chill pills, enjoy my sleeps more instead of feeling stressed/guilty about it. I'd enjoy my sleepings, then wake up, make food, & go to library to study.
I'd say Yes when I want to, No when I want to, and be happy, and move on..... > to enjoying my sleep :P
I'd stress less, & just go on with whatever I've decided :) (e.g. going to Acts London for instance)
So: more chill pills, enjoying everything I do, don't stress when I sleep. :D
Thursday, September 7
Friday, September 1
Food for Soul //
[my chickensoup]
Had the privilege to visit KL over last weekend.
My trip was so fruitful & fulfilling, my heart is so full. (but never enough)
Thinking back, I catch myself smiling hehe.
Started off with a quiet Thursday night - albeit quiet, but so precious. God knows how much the luxury of alone time without any obligations for one night alone means to me! Then escalated to a CRAZY weekend filled with back-to-back meetups. I loved every bit of it! Also met up with some Reading peeps which I didn't manage to take photo with.
Also was extremely privileged to meet Aunty Evelynn & her mum-in-law, a meeting planned out of nowhere, courtesy of Ps Yoong. Her zeal for the Lord is crazily bubbling over every cell of her being, you can't miss it not a chance! She gifted me her book that I just finished today. Heart is full from catching a glimpse of her full onz drama life, as she relays endless stories of her walk with God that's caused her life to be SO FULL. I have so much I can learn from her.
Had the privilege to visit KL over last weekend.
My trip was so fruitful & fulfilling, my heart is so full. (but never enough)
Thinking back, I catch myself smiling hehe.
Started off with a quiet Thursday night - albeit quiet, but so precious. God knows how much the luxury of alone time without any obligations for one night alone means to me! Then escalated to a CRAZY weekend filled with back-to-back meetups. I loved every bit of it! Also met up with some Reading peeps which I didn't manage to take photo with.
 |
| Joycelyn's 20th birthday in AM/PM! :) SO happy to meet HOMIES! |
 |
| Acts London-ers in Acts Subang :) |
 |
| Acts London-ers in Acts Subang :) |
Also was extremely privileged to meet Aunty Evelynn & her mum-in-law, a meeting planned out of nowhere, courtesy of Ps Yoong. Her zeal for the Lord is crazily bubbling over every cell of her being, you can't miss it not a chance! She gifted me her book that I just finished today. Heart is full from catching a glimpse of her full onz drama life, as she relays endless stories of her walk with God that's caused her life to be SO FULL. I have so much I can learn from her.
-
KL has been made the home of my heart over the last year of my 3.5years there. It's uncanny how I can enter KL hating it, yet leave loving it to the extent of being heartbroken :( I miss it everyday, I miss the people, I miss church, I miss the generous opportunities Taylor's actually offers. As dreadful and angry as I was to uproot and leave, I knew I couldn't stay - Eccles 3:1 For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. - Being able to visit KL truly felt like coming home. It's uncanny because everything'd feel so familiar, yet 1 year has changed, some things remain the same, some things have drastically changed - e.g. I saw a lady I met last year, she looks the same yet now she has a baby at home!!!! :O
It feels quite surreal that the short weekend has come and gone, but I'm ever so thankful for everything. For the friendships which were strengthened and lasted, for new ones that's been forged, for glimpses of faces I've caught, for lessons to be learned. Also, uber thankful for Amanda for granting me the ideal (if not best!) accommodation to complement my plans seamlessly. :D
-
*God I don't know what's in it for me in the next year, but I pray that You're with me in my every single step, that You never ever leave me & forsake me, that only Your will be accomplished, that Your grace is sufficient always, that your peace guide me unceasingly, that I will be courageous like Joshua, that your perfect love casts out ALL fear & anxieties & worries, that You will use me in furtherance of your kingdom.
-
*Ending this post with a mission - how to love my mama more hmmm. Toodles~!
Thursday, August 31
Control - Part 2
-- zzzzz.. finally doing this after procrastinating for hours :P --
This is a continuation of my previous post "Control" where I talked about relinquishing stress, worries, anxieties over things that I cannot control. I referred specifically to my skin condition. As free-spirited as I truly was when I wrote that post, what took place the next few days/week felt super hypocritical.
In that post, I truly felt free and I took pride in it hence bringing it to a blog post, as it was an achievement personally to not allow my skin to dictate my sense of worth and identity. However, to my greatest surprise myself, I fell into that very "battle" that I had boasted in conquering. I had an emotional breakdown which I believe was the result of subconsiously suppressed emotions over time.
Little by little, my self-esteem was challenged along with the condition of my skin. I felt so constricted and limited by my skin condition whenever I speak to someone. I found it hard to converse confidently with my head up high, whilst spreading a generous smile ever so genuinely. I wanted to project what I felt in my heart, joy/happiness/excitement in meeting people, doing/sharing life with people, but my skin condition had constantly convinced me time after time that I could do away that instance, & perhaps I could just do it another time.
What pulled the trigger was when my parents suddenly paused longer than usual when talking to me, whilst scrutinising my face, then suggested me to consult my dermatologist. I was super agitated then because I just dreaded the feeling where I had to go back to square one - and decide again, if I should see the doctor or just give it up.
The breakdown transpired during a conversation with a close friend when I wanted to rant about other issues, where she pointed out that the low emotions I had been feeling/accumulating had been results of my own overthinking & that I had been plagued with negativity. Her comment would have proven brash due to my hypersensitive personality, but strangely, it was somewhat liberating and at that instance, I felt my toxic virtual reality bubble pop, my burdens lifted, I was lightweight & I could suddenly breathe again.
A few days later, as dumbfounded as I felt due to the contradiction of emotions as opposed to what I was supposed to feel, I realised that what unfolded wasn't merely the ranting about my physical problems I had no control over. But that it was my heart problem being shed to light, coming out from the bottom. I realise that the real problem had been unleashing fully through how I looked at life, my attitude towards the circumstances surrounding my life. It really wasn't just about my skin.
Recalling it today, I was feeling slightly embarassed at my ugly outburst of emotions, but then I felt in my heart, "It gets worse before it gets better". There was peace, & I took comfort that my wound (of insecurities) was being sprinkled with salt. & I'm glad I had confronted the real problem. It can only get better from here on.
Despite my ignorance and oblivion in my little bubble, where I wasn't tuned into God's channel, interestingly, God still spoke to me in the least of my expectations, at places where I wouldn't think He'd show up - through my close friend's seemingly "brash" comment in the midst of a heated conversation. - "You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good." Genesis 50:20 - & I find it interesting that it wasn't a one off lesson then through the singular comment, but the lesson is still ongoing when God spoke today. I thank God for continuously speaking in spite of my oblivion... Indeed, "he who began a good work in us will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phil 1:6)
He will finish it.
 |
| P.S. Don't mind the messy look! :P I legit woke up like this, & had flu today :( |
This is a continuation of my previous post "Control" where I talked about relinquishing stress, worries, anxieties over things that I cannot control. I referred specifically to my skin condition. As free-spirited as I truly was when I wrote that post, what took place the next few days/week felt super hypocritical.
In that post, I truly felt free and I took pride in it hence bringing it to a blog post, as it was an achievement personally to not allow my skin to dictate my sense of worth and identity. However, to my greatest surprise myself, I fell into that very "battle" that I had boasted in conquering. I had an emotional breakdown which I believe was the result of subconsiously suppressed emotions over time.
Little by little, my self-esteem was challenged along with the condition of my skin. I felt so constricted and limited by my skin condition whenever I speak to someone. I found it hard to converse confidently with my head up high, whilst spreading a generous smile ever so genuinely. I wanted to project what I felt in my heart, joy/happiness/excitement in meeting people, doing/sharing life with people, but my skin condition had constantly convinced me time after time that I could do away that instance, & perhaps I could just do it another time.
What pulled the trigger was when my parents suddenly paused longer than usual when talking to me, whilst scrutinising my face, then suggested me to consult my dermatologist. I was super agitated then because I just dreaded the feeling where I had to go back to square one - and decide again, if I should see the doctor or just give it up.
A few days later, as dumbfounded as I felt due to the contradiction of emotions as opposed to what I was supposed to feel, I realised that what unfolded wasn't merely the ranting about my physical problems I had no control over. But that it was my heart problem being shed to light, coming out from the bottom. I realise that the real problem had been unleashing fully through how I looked at life, my attitude towards the circumstances surrounding my life. It really wasn't just about my skin.
Recalling it today, I was feeling slightly embarassed at my ugly outburst of emotions, but then I felt in my heart, "It gets worse before it gets better". There was peace, & I took comfort that my wound (of insecurities) was being sprinkled with salt. & I'm glad I had confronted the real problem. It can only get better from here on.
Despite my ignorance and oblivion in my little bubble, where I wasn't tuned into God's channel, interestingly, God still spoke to me in the least of my expectations, at places where I wouldn't think He'd show up - through my close friend's seemingly "brash" comment in the midst of a heated conversation. - "You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good." Genesis 50:20 - & I find it interesting that it wasn't a one off lesson then through the singular comment, but the lesson is still ongoing when God spoke today. I thank God for continuously speaking in spite of my oblivion... Indeed, "he who began a good work in us will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phil 1:6)
He will finish it.
Tuesday, August 8
Wednesday, August 2
Dunkirk
Recent few years, I've picked up an affinity towards war movies! It always full on captivates my entire attention. Sometimes I'd hate to check my phone in between just cuz I don't want reality to break me away from the war experience hehe. It's almost 10/10 feel so inspired after watching a war movie, but I always don't know what to do with the inspiration. :P :( help...
Anyway, as I watched today, I wondered & thought many things. Would I be able to do what they do if I lived in that era? How would I feel? Would I persevere on and persistently fight for my life, or will I "concede to God's death timing"? Why must people go to war? Why kill one when another is saving another? I feel so relieved and grateful that we're past that era, and grateful at the same time that I could have a taste of what it could be like then through these movies.
Another favourite movie to add to my favourite war movie list (together with Hacksaw Ridge [AHH!!!] & Schindler's List).
Sunday, July 23
Control - Part 1
S K I N
My skin hasn't been very encouraging for the past one year. It has always been an area of concern ever since puberty hit me when I was 15. There's been good and bad days, the cycle continues to fluctuate, even until today. You might think one may get used to it, or have mastered the art behind it now, but guess what, I am still learning & experimenting (as much as I hate to say so). My skin is not very straightforward - it has been difficult for me to conceive a clear equation with regards to factors like hormones, stress, period, diet, sleep, dirt, products, allergy, genetics, weather etc... I never really understand it.
Throughout the years, my "subtle/silent/staple" skin has subconsciously played a very LOUD (prominent) role in defining my self-esteem. I realise how dependent my confidence is based on my skin condition - either based on my own perception, or based on other people's comments. When people don't comment, my perception can be so crucial in setting my tone for the day. e.g. one morning when I wash my face, i may feel that it's smooth, & it rejuvenates my energy instantly! but it may all come crashing down if I discover many bumps that aren't visible before probing. I'd take a deep breath, then walk away, feeling quite sorry for myself. Sometimes, I don't even realize my deliberate act of adapting this mentality. It's such a shame to admit that perhaps I may have gotten used to it. It's so familiar that I forget that it's wrong.
Throughout the years, I have spent a fortune trying plenty of skincare products of various brands. My skincare changes when my skin fails to improve as promised despite always employing a usual grace period of at least 3months to each brand, during which I'd go all out to use the entire range of products, wishing that my skin would strike that perfect chemistry the brand advocates. I went for so many facial sessions even since middle high school - some were pleasant and therapeutic, some were just painful and I'd have to bear my "battle scars" with me for weeks. This series of practices continued until almost 3 years back when I decided to consult a dermatologist. I was so excited!!! because I had witnessed positive testimonies from a few friends.
So I started the doctor's course of acne treatment that supposedly made my skin very dry. The improvement started to appear more significantly 6mths-1year after treatment. Then for the first half of last year, my skin was at its prime! I don't remember feeling really ecstatic then, but now thinking back, I remember how I barely thought of (or worried about) my skin then. (Praise the Lord! With all that the things I had on my plate, looking back, I can't imagine if I could handle my self-esteem being further challenged by my skin condition!!) Around the same time when my skin was awesome, I coincidentally ran out of medicine and my prescription. I thought perhaps I could ditch my medicine now that my skin has healed, and I can go back to being normal. 3 months later, small bumps invaded my forehead before bigger bumps started to appear on my cheeks. I was preparing to go to UK then. I renewed my prescription, & was so disappointed when my dermatologist told me "because your treatment was put to a stop abruptly, you have to restart your treatment." Boy, was I crushed! Prior to finishing my meds, I was on a 1 pill per 2 weeks basis, & the dermatologist suggested me to go back on a 1 pill per 2-3 days. That just means more money, more time, more unnatural remedies that controls my hormones, more impact on my liver, more time I need to be aware that I shouldn't get pregnant because my current biological condition would be harmful to the baby (hypothetically). Despite renwing my prescription, during my time in the UK, I can barely remember a day when I can confidently step out and not be conscious about my skin. (I have recently finished my medication & have yet to renew it, because I wish to resort to more natural remedies.)But as of today, I'm so grateful for makeup! It does not heal my skin, in fact, it could aggravate it. I try my best not to wear it when I can, but otherwise, it has served me well to get me through my days.
Anyway, I'm not trying to recommend anyone to resort to makeup as a solution to problematic skin. My point is, there are so many things in life that can be out of our control. & in my case, it's something as crucial/basic/simple/natural as my skin. Sometimes, we may not understand why certain things happen to us, why are we put in certain conditions/circumstances, we may feel certain things are totally uncalled for. We may feel that we do not deserve certain things at all, but I think that that doesn't relieve us from dealing with it properly while we seek to understand along the way. I used to feel so much more discouraged about my skin. But over the years, I'm glad to say that I have made more peace with it and it doesn't bother me as much as before anymore. I thank God that my skin doesn't define me, as much as my thoughts like me to think so. I also thank God, that there's something to learn from every experience - & for me, it's learning to be OK with not being OK. This is not a complacency call, but a call for peace so that our joy is not robbed as life continues to go on despite our insecurities.
I am praying that God will heal my skin, so that I do not have to worry nor spend a fortune on something that's beyond my control. It hasn't been fulfilled yet, at least not physically. But I do admit that, it's been much easier for me to let go after I deliberately surrendered it to God despite it sounding like an unrealistic thought to begin with. Peace did not come immediately, but it came eventually, & I find myself happier today. :)
P.S. I've always wanted to write a post about my skin, but never gotten around to do it. So here goes! xx
Wednesday, July 19
Tuesday, June 27
Christ in my weakness..
I did not have the capability to do Law school;
Nor the capacity to do Law school;
(I kid you not.)
But God, You did it.
Lol, yet You did it again.
I shouldn't even be surprised.
I tried to run away so many times,
But you really did it,
& You've taken me through.
-
Jesus replied, "What is impossible with man is possible with God."
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power/strength is made perfect in your weakness."
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me.
-
Jesus replied, "What is impossible with man is possible with God."
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power/strength is made perfect in your weakness."
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me.
& this chapter has come to an end,
(despite all the wrestling & the not being able
to see myself through this path),
it actually did.
I pack my bags, & move again. & only God knows what's next for me.
xoxo.
[s e a s o n o f : acceptance.]
Friday, June 23
Sunday, June 4
bittersweet.
my heart is so full.
never had i thought that my Reading chapter would end this way.
this ending means so much to me, more than words could ever say. i can’t even put a finger to it right now, but I’m so thankful that my law school chapter concluded this way. so much I have taken away from being a uni student... it feels that things have ended on a bright/right note, not too much, not less, so much so that it feels a lil too good to be true. gosh we humans are such complex beings.
till the next time when i’ve figured things out better & can find the right words to express my sentiments...
parting is such sweet sorrow;
what a privilege it is to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. xx
#blessed #TQJ
never had i thought that my Reading chapter would end this way.
this ending means so much to me, more than words could ever say. i can’t even put a finger to it right now, but I’m so thankful that my law school chapter concluded this way. so much I have taken away from being a uni student... it feels that things have ended on a bright/right note, not too much, not less, so much so that it feels a lil too good to be true. gosh we humans are such complex beings.
till the next time when i’ve figured things out better & can find the right words to express my sentiments...
parting is such sweet sorrow;
what a privilege it is to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. xx
#blessed #TQJ
xx.
Wednesday, May 31
Monday, May 8
xx
I would have lost heart,
unless I had believed
that I would see the
goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait on the Lord,
Be of good courage,
& He shall strengthen your heart.
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
Psalm 28:13-14
Friday, April 28
of hustle & bustle
Today, I am feeling very, grateful for an overseas education. (my parents didn't even have a chance to go to a good school.) I'm very grateful, to be entitled as a student, to demand the best education experience in my uni. Kudos to those who fought to emphasize the importance of education in our world. (I am here also because of you.)
Today I feel, rather determined and motivated to embrace my time in school. As much as I often dread: school/exams, feeling like a lost kid, dancing around in this cloud of uncertainty, always wrestling between the idea of finding more & keep trying new things, or the idea of "adult-ifying" myself, psych myself to get my shiz together, & start focusing or settle - as I enjoyed my lil library excursion, I'm grateful that I have another year of studies to look forward to, to making things right (if not better), to be a better student, another year to allow myself the entitlement of a child.
The reality of life, adulthood recently visited my thoughts, as it also daunted on me the fleeting of my youth. Being 22 (21 going 22), suddenly, being "mature" at a young age no longer feels so exciting, because my youth will be gone in a split second, then from that second on, we will always be plagued with expectations of behaving as an adult, to behave rationally and responsibly. People will start to be less forgiving towards our 'little' mistakes and wantonness.
I'm grateful that I have another "solid year", while I enjoy the hybrid of student+adult life, to have room for making mistakes still.
Annabelle shared with me an article yesterday,
*
Today I feel, rather determined and motivated to embrace my time in school. As much as I often dread: school/exams, feeling like a lost kid, dancing around in this cloud of uncertainty, always wrestling between the idea of finding more & keep trying new things, or the idea of "adult-ifying" myself, psych myself to get my shiz together, & start focusing or settle - as I enjoyed my lil library excursion, I'm grateful that I have another year of studies to look forward to, to making things right (if not better), to be a better student, another year to allow myself the entitlement of a child.
The reality of life, adulthood recently visited my thoughts, as it also daunted on me the fleeting of my youth. Being 22 (21 going 22), suddenly, being "mature" at a young age no longer feels so exciting, because my youth will be gone in a split second, then from that second on, we will always be plagued with expectations of behaving as an adult, to behave rationally and responsibly. People will start to be less forgiving towards our 'little' mistakes and wantonness.
I'm grateful that I have another "solid year", while I enjoy the hybrid of student+adult life, to have room for making mistakes still.
Annabelle shared with me an article yesterday,
“I am always worried. I overthink situations in my head, even those that have not happened yet. I look so far ahead of me..."
"Sometimes, I wish I can fast-forward my life to the day when my story is better, and when my world is bigger. Somehow I am more focused in looking at the things that I don’t have instead of appreciating the things that I have. I compare my journey to someone else’s journey...."Although the essence of the article should have sunk in & educated me yesterday, today I still write this post in anticipation of the day when I do my Bar school (where I intend to grow & be better). :P
(cont of article) "I compare my journey to someone else’s journey, while neglecting the truth that I have a different route in life to take. I keep thinking that I’m behind. I keep choosing to be blind to notice the blessings You’ve been showering me with. I keep forgetting to let go.”So as my feelings are enjoyable today, I'm still only halfway living in the present and other half waiting to be met by my future. I pray that as my uni life draws to an end, God, You teach me and help me to fully live in the present, to let go and be okay with not knowing everything, and let your grace surprise me day by day.
*
Annabelle shared with me another great stuff today! (isn't she great?!?!)
this video has brought about lots of sentiments, it's so personal.
I hope it encourages you too. :)
p.s. though my life isn't as exciting as per the secular definition of "excitement" (e.g. scuba diving or Europe country-hopping all the time) thereby not conferring those substances in my blog posts, these blog posts are the rawest and most honest depiction of my everyday life.
It's mostly filled with a lot of personal thoughts and emotions, that "makes up the texture of my life". by now, you would know that I have A LOT (truckload) of thoughts, and many of them (my blog content) don't even arise out of "extraordinary" events/activities (e.g. parties, travelling to another country, trying something new), but more from the in-between moments which continue to shape my character, my values and my identity.
My point is.... thanks for sticking around & coming on this journey with me! :)
(though speaking of which, I really should get on with trying something new!! eek!!)
Cheers!! xx
Tuesday, April 25
Sunday, April 23
Author of my life.
CONFIDENCE.
HAPPINESS.
It’s funny how my "greatest" ambitions and desires are often conceived during the exam season. I often find myself highly motivated, inspired and empowered, to want to take my life up to a higher level. I often get a rather clear view of my life as a big picture, of where I am, where I'd like to be. This big picture perspective is refreshing. It's familiar, yet not a common scene in my head in my everyday ordinary.
Perhaps not "conceived", but rather "reminded". All of a sudden, in my supposedly deprived state where my mind is rather forbidden to wander but stay 100% (or 60% - let's be real) focused, I feel a refreshing sense of empowerment and drive to use what I have in my hands, to fulfil what is in my heart. It's exhilarating and so tempting, as I anticipate to further build/enhance my identity, & discover more of what sets me free.
I suppose, as I strip away other distractions/commitments/engagements/trying to figure out life, & intend to stay committed to one thing, it incidentally gives me the opportunity to spend time to get reacquainted with my raw self too.
As I was reminded again yesterday, I was determined to pen it down because I realised I tend to forget them when exams are over, only to find myself returning to this place of familiarity of unachieved dreams & desires clouding over me, again some time in the future. Haha, then I'd get exasperated, & go "Oh shucks, i really want to do this, but I really can't do it/anything now.."
Yesterday I felt a tinge of confidence revitalizing my veins. I now look forward to doing the Bar, that I heard has many exams and deadlines all year long, but am excited because I really need that training of consistency, discipline and excellence in my life. I look forward to going to a new place not knowing anyone, yet being honest, real, open & learning, if not straightaway embrace the season of meeting new people, letting go of control, & let life happen on its own course - whilst playing an active role of discovery and exploration of new things, instead of a passive role of constantly trying to make sense of things..
I really want to learn the guitar!!!
I'd like to do something different again, that relinquishes control from myself, to be inspired, and humbled again. (e.g. go to a camp where I know no one, meet new people & exercise being comfortable in my own skin) (I desired this too even in 2013, 2014, 2015 etc... always happens when I blog during exam time :P) (speaking of which, I tend to blog more during exams lol)
I want to learn to be comfortable in my own skin.
I want to grow to be able to inspire women/young girls out there.
I suppose that's it for now!
I have been constantly reminded of God's goodness and faithfulness in these recent few days through a retrospective glance, a round trip perspective. Looking back, I suddenly recognized God's hands in me and my family's life, that's brought us to where we are now. Looking back, there were many many many, innumerable, scenes where I find myself lost, confused, not doing good enough and constantly questioned myself & my being & my purpose. I remember constantly imposing on God a deadline to give me an answer I needed at every (most, maybe) crossroad e.g. asking God to give me a clear answer by 4/4, cuz that's when I'm expected to respond to my BPTC offer. Yet, looking back, it certainly looks like the ideal holistic plan, that's woven and knitted together perfectly, & everything seems to make sense - not just about my own life, but with my family's as well. Suddenly, I recognized God's hands even in the ordinary, 'small', casual little decisions, (e.g. making a quick & easy decision to attend Bloom - to hear from YB Hannah - to decide to try internship, was't like a "BIG BIG" decision - to find myself longing to serve my country in my lifetime) instead of God responding during the "big" moments - e.g. deciding for college/uni/bar. I’m grateful that despite living unknowingly, God still persistently continuously gives us opportunities to employ faith, the chance to keep sowing/investing into a greater future with Him, not just me but my whole family as well - even when we don’t realize it, or don’t acknowledge Him, or still stubborn in our own ways. Gosh, He remains faithful & ever so loving.
A wave of comfort flooded through me, as I realized again, that God exists beyond time and space. And looking back, God's plan is really perfect and works holistically.. That my timing isn't His. And He'd stop time for me, if He really needs to.
For the moments I felt super lost and uncertain of, I was still led into stepping into His plan, even without me (or anyone at all) knowing. e.g. going to KL to do my A-Levels & first 2 years of uni. This time has brought me and my family, so, so much closer. My dad and mum were both sick at some points in their lives to which I'm glad I was nearby in KL. This KL experience has also grown our relationship with my brother too. A big part of the growth of relationship between me and my hdad is also made up by me driving him for work, & how this started can be attributed to just a young teen who just got her license, & is eager to drive everywhere, but can only drive under parents’ supervision (how amusing, subtle, sneaky yet immaculate plan God has). Had it not been for the rough patches in uni, I probably wouldn't have given Acts an opportunity big enough to touch my life, & a quick example, I wouldn't have attended Bloom - did internship with YB - & discover a "calling" or a greater purpose in my identity.
God's just being God man.
Looking back, I had no idea at all that anything I was going to do then, would make any sense in my future, super unsure and unconfident that they would generate interests landing me pots of gold in the future.
Really, only God knows what this law degree is going to do for me (correction, for Him) in due time. (gosh, I miss Maths soooo much!!! *cries* the more I study, the more I miss Maths haha)
Two takeaways from all this:
1) we can either can give credits to the Big Man up there who orchestrates things in our lives immaculately for His purpose, for the good things in our lives, for our blessings, or we can regard the good things in our lives as a product of plentiful coincidences, or “luck” - but if we do that, we miss out on God’s hand & intervention in our lives.
2) when we choose to trust God with our lives, He is already directing our paths, paving ways, step by step, in fulfilling His purpose for us. We’re just probably young, lost, confused and just can’t see it, & think we’re too smart & cause ourselves to believe that God’s not working in our lives. (by “us” & “we”, i really just mean “me”/”I” :P)
“You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; & you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls.” (1 Pet 1:8-9)
P.S. Am totally digging this series by Pktfuel! (I love their series in general, but especially love this) The first time I did this series on this topic spoke to my heart, it was so profound, such compelling truth. I’m happy and grateful to be reminded of it again this week. https://www.pktfuel.com/everyday-ordinary/
Anyway, so much for a short update. But gotta go off before I go too far off now! Till the next time, xx.
 |
| So much to be thankful for. |
Friday, March 24
keep going on =)
Rainer Maria Rilke wrote:
“So you must not be frightened if a sadness rises up before you larger than any you have ever seen; if a restiveness, like light and cloudshadows, passes over your hands and over all you do. You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any miseries, or any depressions? For after all, you do not know what work these conditions are doing inside you.”
“So you must not be frightened if a sadness rises up before you larger than any you have ever seen; if a restiveness, like light and cloudshadows, passes over your hands and over all you do. You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any miseries, or any depressions? For after all, you do not know what work these conditions are doing inside you.”
Thursday, March 9
beautiful people - Natalie
Thank you for blessing me once and again,
& for highlighting my Reading journey.
:)
Saturday, March 4
Heart of worship.
As I was casually scrolling through videos to fill the silence in my room while I run some chores, I stumbled upon this. I was gonna leave this page, but I wasn't quick enough - just as the 2nd/3rd person started singing, I broke into tears & it compelled me to finish watching the video.
[I'm not usually like this, at least not without some 'pre-empting' - I wondered myself if it was that time of the month, I hadn't been very emotional prior to this. I had just finished eating an orange & was about to make coffee. Totally uncalled for, if you will! :p]
Before these thoughts could distract me further, I was completely captivated by how the singers were worshipping our God, (my God) - there seemed to be no barriers, there appeared direct access to an open heaven that was pouring out on earth, to God's precious children, who each individually feel as crowned & entitled & special as I do; to those of different nationalities, yet God is our common factor; although we don't know each other, & we probably could never reach a mature & intimate friendship, yet, the truth is what brings & holds us together, and causes His people to worship this God, as if we're all the same, as if we're all part of the same family worshipping our Father. There's union & intimacy in this presence... no fear, just love & reverence. Suddenly it all just makes sense. (where we are, what we do, what we live for...)
We're all equally & each individually crazy precious, each a diamond/ruby, to our God.
Sometimes I already feel SUPER GREAT because God has SO MUCH LOVE for me, that I can't even contain it! & I'd be really secure (esp in my insecure times) - because I know God's Love credit is still so bountiful & abundant, there's always ENOUGH, if not more, for me to fall back on. The thought of that would simply pump life back into me, & I'd be so empowered again knowing that I've got the greatest superpowers ever, that I'm bigger than life.
Can you imagine, how many more people who actually feels (or is capable to feel) this way?
How many more, if not everybody else.
Wow, my God is so, great.
Watching this video really moved my heart. I was reminded again about the core of our living as people of earth, & that the truth is the truth everywhere. It moved me again, as it broke the pre-conceived stereotypes that are attached to each country/nationality, that God transcends beyond language, governance, culture... that we're all made for Him.
- "To an Unknown God" -
"He is the God who made the world and everything in it. Since he is Lord of heaven and earth, he doesn't live in man-made temples, and human hands can't serve his needs - for he has no needs. He himself gives life and breath to everything, and he satisfied every need.
His purpose was for the nations to seek after God, and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him - though he is not far from any one of us.
For in him, we live and move and exist.
'We are his offspring'."
- Acts 17:24-28
"He is the God who made the world and everything in it. Since he is Lord of heaven and earth, he doesn't live in man-made temples, and human hands can't serve his needs - for he has no needs. He himself gives life and breath to everything, and he satisfied every need.
His purpose was for the nations to seek after God, and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him - though he is not far from any one of us.
For in him, we live and move and exist.
'We are his offspring'."
- Acts 17:24-28
Faith, Hope, Love - The greatest of this is love.
Even if you are faithless, He still loves you.
Thursday, March 2
I'm still in Your hands.
 |
| sunrise today! my phone doesn't do it justice! |
I am scared, yes.
But I thank God that I can place my hope in Jesus.
& that His mercies are new every morning.
"Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not,
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness"
(Lamentations 3:22-23)
Wednesday, March 1
Tuesday, February 28
Bloom 🌻
Even as we escort the coming of Spring (& bid the cold [& ocassionally bitter] winter farewell), I'd like to share one of my favourite videos. I haven't seen this video in a while (prolly a year or so), but I never cease to be awestruck watching & embracing this video. Where flowers bloom & grow, I thought, how is it possible to not believe there's a God out there, who's created all this vast, heavenly beauty where pure humans, are simply incapable of?
In the midst of our day, why not pause for a couple of seconds & look up, stare into the skies that display (or scream!!) of His craftsmanship, soak in all of its beauty & its (undeniable) greatness. Be reminded that we're still in His hands, that all things work for the good of those who love Him. As you breathe in the vastness of the glorious skies, let it fill your heart, let Him love you.
Sunday, February 26
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