and disappointments make it hard.
that I could not stay for S3,
that A-Levels hadn't been the best experience,
that scholarship application was turned down,
that some miracle hasn't happened yet?
that things are again, following its original intended course,
that i'm nothing other than ordinary,
to follow the ordinary plan,
that my life is just bland and just planned out.
sighs
Monday, June 30
another soliloquy
{ Harrow! Yesterday was FIFA Football Sunday, where GK had a grand celebration with skits, and human foosball games for the Club 61, and everyone had to wear football jerseys. I was wearing my red Polo shirt that says England at the back, cuz it was the next best alternative to having no jerseys at all. Then, Chloe sold me one that was initially meant for Pete (sorry Petey), which says "Go Spain!" without my own realisation, how silly. }
So anyways, I just finished reading the Fault In Our Stars by John Green, I thought it was a pretty interesting novel, and I finished it in less than a day! I started when this day itself commenced at 12am, reading for two hours. Then dabbed on bits of it throughout the day, sat down and resumed reading from 2pm with only the teeniest interruptions, and completed it at 5pm. :D #milestone? It depicts the story of kids with cancers and how their lives intertwined along the way. Dang, as for now, I wish I had the eloquence to write a great review each time I finish reading a novel, just as well as the author had written it, or maybe not 100% proficient, but with 1/25, I would already be content and happy :D
Yesterday, after church, had some great lunch with friends from church at Damai Sang Nyuk Mien, collected one Polaroid photo of me, Abs, Claire and Chloe :) After that, me and Claire skedaddled to CBTL and we exchanged some stories of her relationship with this guy, and my life in KL and the conversation was winded up with some rather thoughtful(sentimental?) issues. I was saying how I'd envy people who are in a relationship, and I'd long for a partner myself. I'd always find myself wondering why I haven't found the 'right' person. Saying 'right' seems to fall in a context too strong where I'd receive skeptical responses if I say it in public. I don't know, but I doubt that I've met that person yet. That person who'd not just tolerate and accept me for my flaws, but really truly love me for my flaws too. So far, I've come across with different people who I may have a fling or two with. But having said of this crush though, I've yet to experience the feeling of 100% convinced that this is the person I would love to share my life with, and attempt to grow together.
Having said that, being 100% convinced if this person is a life partner, and marriage and soulmate and all, is a totally different context, alright. It's just the very simple thought of having a 'boyfriend' I guess. With the guys I've met, on the friendly level, we get along just right, everything we do respectively seemed to hit the right notes. But it's again, different when considering taking it to the next level. I am inevitably bothered by the little flaws that I had always been oblivious to when we were just bros. They all suddenly seem like the most attention seeking perks. - I don't do this intentionally, and I get frustrated that it happens too, I really do, I always feel degraded...
Claire was saying, "Chris, for as long as I've known you, you are a very special person. And I have the feeling that when you meet the guy, he seems like he'll be the first and also the last boyfriend. You've got your strengths and weaknesses, and you will meet a guy who will accept both your strengths and weaknesses. He could be a crazy guy, but just hopefully not as crazy as you.." The last end to it was a tease, I suppose :X *fingers crossed*, lol Oh, and of some significant parts were, "If you are patient to wait on God, God will give you the perfect guy" I've heard this many times, and I know it by heart too, and I don't ever want to doubt God's promise, and I have faith - of course. My whole life, at its best, revolves around having faith in God's promises. But at the same time, I just get flustered as to whether is it really going to happen, and what if I stay single forever.. And at the same time, the other side of my head keeps saying that, "I know that God knows my heart." - I say this because I've seen people being granted their hearts' longings, though sometimes it feels like they didn't really pray that hard for it -- from an onlooker's point of view.
As desperate as I may sound, realistically speaking, I know that 1) there isn't anyone even anywhere close to fitting the bill, and 2) even if someone pursues me, I'd go through a series of fierce contemplation, before settling down for an answer - and by the looks of it, it's looking pretty pessimistic :P ..... Pardon the contradiction, but really, as cliche as it may sound, when the right person comes, of course I'd settle.
*
You know sometimes I feel really special. I was born on Christmas Day. I am half-deaf - it's not as bad as it suggests, I just can't hear with my left ear, but if I didn't tell you, or if you didn't sit next to me in class, you wouldn't know :). And I'm a thinker, a HUGE thinker - Can a person be too introspective?, Sometimes I'd feel like a genius cuz so many things have seemed to cross my mind before, but the drawback to this is that I'd never be able to settle for what this purpose is.
The traits I mentioned above, they are not, as according to the usual society's perception, tangible achievements which mould a person into being outstanding which results in labelling a person as special. Till date, I still have yet to discover my "talents", "strengths" and my "purpose". And honestly, that's not cool but I'm self-assured that even so, I won't feel completely stripped down of my self-esteem, due to my religious beliefs in God, the author in heaven who knew me even in my mother's womb, and at the very least, stick to the unconventional traits that I was born with - to distinguish that I'm different from others.
You know the kind of posts that flood the Internet about discovering our identity? Well, I wouldn't want to associate myself as part of the targeted community - cause I feel like I'm not wretched of being lost, but then when I read these posts, I can't help but feel that e v e r y o n e else out there, has figured his/her life out, one way or another. And yet, I'm still here, a Gen-Y creeping its way to break free to explore into the world's endless opportunities and new experiences, but still manacled and confined by transitionary clash of interests from Gen-X. It is really hard, you know.
And one way or another, I've become an indecisive person. Sure, I'm open to new experiences, new lessons, but I could also be your person to go to if you just wanna shut the world away and chill within your own comfort zone. I am really, okay with anything. That's the hard part, I can't decide, and I'd love it better if all else has been mandated, and I'd be just complying orders. It really is a harsh reality check when it comes to being responsible for your own decisions. And now in this world that I live in, it is the most common view where you see people doing their own course of things just to serve for a better future. Has it ever got to you that sometimes people can get too drawn into the future that they just, simply forget to friggin' live in the present? How ideal would it be if we could just decide on something, and get through it, experience all the things we are supposed to, and then move on to the next chapter? Why is it that what I do now has gotta be interrelated so directly and literally interrelated with my next phase of life? I guess, it's true that the world isn't a wish-granting factory.- John Green, The Fault in Our Stars.
Yes, I am a very complicated person. Now you know. And I am just praying that I'll find someone who can tolerate this friggin i n s a n i t y, my Augustus, my Bill you know..
. . . . . . .
Pardon the abrupt halt to the longwinding thoughts, my stomach is growling.
So anyways, I just finished reading the Fault In Our Stars by John Green, I thought it was a pretty interesting novel, and I finished it in less than a day! I started when this day itself commenced at 12am, reading for two hours. Then dabbed on bits of it throughout the day, sat down and resumed reading from 2pm with only the teeniest interruptions, and completed it at 5pm. :D #milestone? It depicts the story of kids with cancers and how their lives intertwined along the way. Dang, as for now, I wish I had the eloquence to write a great review each time I finish reading a novel, just as well as the author had written it, or maybe not 100% proficient, but with 1/25, I would already be content and happy :D
Yesterday, after church, had some great lunch with friends from church at Damai Sang Nyuk Mien, collected one Polaroid photo of me, Abs, Claire and Chloe :) After that, me and Claire skedaddled to CBTL and we exchanged some stories of her relationship with this guy, and my life in KL and the conversation was winded up with some rather thoughtful(sentimental?) issues. I was saying how I'd envy people who are in a relationship, and I'd long for a partner myself. I'd always find myself wondering why I haven't found the 'right' person. Saying 'right' seems to fall in a context too strong where I'd receive skeptical responses if I say it in public. I don't know, but I doubt that I've met that person yet. That person who'd not just tolerate and accept me for my flaws, but really truly love me for my flaws too. So far, I've come across with different people who I may have a fling or two with. But having said of this crush though, I've yet to experience the feeling of 100% convinced that this is the person I would love to share my life with, and attempt to grow together.
Having said that, being 100% convinced if this person is a life partner, and marriage and soulmate and all, is a totally different context, alright. It's just the very simple thought of having a 'boyfriend' I guess. With the guys I've met, on the friendly level, we get along just right, everything we do respectively seemed to hit the right notes. But it's again, different when considering taking it to the next level. I am inevitably bothered by the little flaws that I had always been oblivious to when we were just bros. They all suddenly seem like the most attention seeking perks. - I don't do this intentionally, and I get frustrated that it happens too, I really do, I always feel degraded...
Claire was saying, "Chris, for as long as I've known you, you are a very special person. And I have the feeling that when you meet the guy, he seems like he'll be the first and also the last boyfriend. You've got your strengths and weaknesses, and you will meet a guy who will accept both your strengths and weaknesses. He could be a crazy guy, but just hopefully not as crazy as you.." The last end to it was a tease, I suppose :X *fingers crossed*, lol Oh, and of some significant parts were, "If you are patient to wait on God, God will give you the perfect guy" I've heard this many times, and I know it by heart too, and I don't ever want to doubt God's promise, and I have faith - of course. My whole life, at its best, revolves around having faith in God's promises. But at the same time, I just get flustered as to whether is it really going to happen, and what if I stay single forever.. And at the same time, the other side of my head keeps saying that, "I know that God knows my heart." - I say this because I've seen people being granted their hearts' longings, though sometimes it feels like they didn't really pray that hard for it -- from an onlooker's point of view.
As desperate as I may sound, realistically speaking, I know that 1) there isn't anyone even anywhere close to fitting the bill, and 2) even if someone pursues me, I'd go through a series of fierce contemplation, before settling down for an answer - and by the looks of it, it's looking pretty pessimistic :P ..... Pardon the contradiction, but really, as cliche as it may sound, when the right person comes, of course I'd settle.
*
You know sometimes I feel really special. I was born on Christmas Day. I am half-deaf - it's not as bad as it suggests, I just can't hear with my left ear, but if I didn't tell you, or if you didn't sit next to me in class, you wouldn't know :). And I'm a thinker, a HUGE thinker - Can a person be too introspective?, Sometimes I'd feel like a genius cuz so many things have seemed to cross my mind before, but the drawback to this is that I'd never be able to settle for what this purpose is.
The traits I mentioned above, they are not, as according to the usual society's perception, tangible achievements which mould a person into being outstanding which results in labelling a person as special. Till date, I still have yet to discover my "talents", "strengths" and my "purpose". And honestly, that's not cool but I'm self-assured that even so, I won't feel completely stripped down of my self-esteem, due to my religious beliefs in God, the author in heaven who knew me even in my mother's womb, and at the very least, stick to the unconventional traits that I was born with - to distinguish that I'm different from others.
You know the kind of posts that flood the Internet about discovering our identity? Well, I wouldn't want to associate myself as part of the targeted community - cause I feel like I'm not wretched of being lost, but then when I read these posts, I can't help but feel that e v e r y o n e else out there, has figured his/her life out, one way or another. And yet, I'm still here, a Gen-Y creeping its way to break free to explore into the world's endless opportunities and new experiences, but still manacled and confined by transitionary clash of interests from Gen-X. It is really hard, you know.
And one way or another, I've become an indecisive person. Sure, I'm open to new experiences, new lessons, but I could also be your person to go to if you just wanna shut the world away and chill within your own comfort zone. I am really, okay with anything. That's the hard part, I can't decide, and I'd love it better if all else has been mandated, and I'd be just complying orders. It really is a harsh reality check when it comes to being responsible for your own decisions. And now in this world that I live in, it is the most common view where you see people doing their own course of things just to serve for a better future. Has it ever got to you that sometimes people can get too drawn into the future that they just, simply forget to friggin' live in the present? How ideal would it be if we could just decide on something, and get through it, experience all the things we are supposed to, and then move on to the next chapter? Why is it that what I do now has gotta be interrelated so directly and literally interrelated with my next phase of life? I guess, it's true that the world isn't a wish-granting factory.- John Green, The Fault in Our Stars.
Yes, I am a very complicated person. Now you know. And I am just praying that I'll find someone who can tolerate this friggin i n s a n i t y, my Augustus, my Bill you know..
. . . . . . .
Pardon the abrupt halt to the longwinding thoughts, my stomach is growling.
Tuesday, June 24
"your disappointment could be God's appointment" really?
Aloha~! Last night I was gonna write a post about how God answers prayers. Reason being, I had this huge load of luggage I needed to carry from KL back over here. I've got around 5-6 luggage which were distributed to dad, Blake and myself to bring back. I've got 2 luggage with another 2 hand carry ones, and I was so worried that they'd exceed 30kg which is my luggage weight limit. It sounds petty, but it's pretty stressful to be in that situation itself cuz I've already tried to cut as much as possible and I wasn't buying anything else in Ipoh. Anywho, I prayed really hard that my luggage would go through without any complications arising for a quite a while, while also praying for my solo journey back from Ipoh to the airport to be silky smooth. As I approached the Baggage Drop counter, it turned out to be 33kg, but the lady said nothing and just labelled my luggage as 21kg and 9kg respectively. Whew, God does answer prayers, it was a huge relief.
I feel shameful that there was a doubt to that for a moment when I received the rejection email to my scholarship application this morning. I never dared to have high hopes during exam season, but slowly let my guard down after slowly, when Nat, Shar and roomie exhibited some confidence in me, though it was only a little bit. I prayed quite hard, and I felt like God knows my heart, and I was slowly picturing my life if it'd materialize, how I'd attend Bristol Acts as well. I guess partially if I'd get the scholarship, it'd feel like an easy way out compared to investing lots of time, effort, confusion to figure out my next path. With a scholarship, it'd just feel like a golden ticket sent down from heaven to the next destination, and I was so ecstatic over the fact that it'd relieve so much of my parents' burdens, and this could signal a turnover in my family's life. Now that it's gone, it just feels like life is gonna go back to how it was, how it's always thought to be. I need some radical and positive change. Oh well, I suppose everything happens for a reason. I do believe in it, but im just slightly dumbfounded still at how stalled I feel my life is. :O
Nevertheless, I had a great day today meeting up with my primary school friends all thanks for Choon Ying for setting it up. I haven't seen some faces in a while, and I haven't spoken to them in a long time. It felt unfamiliar hearing their voices, which is pretty new compared to always hanging out with the same group of people and being familiar with their patterns of conversing. It was fun, and we had some great catching up. :) Wayne's going to Germany to pursue engineering but doesn't intend to practice in the future cuz he wants to do econs finance and business, Ewe is going to Manchester! to study petroleum, Bulu - idk o.o, Choon Ying to Belfast if qualifies, Ongli is in Polytechnic doing idr :O, Nicholas Ng doing STPM with Chloe :D choon ying left early, and it felt like the guys were there to audition for me. Haha. Anyway, thats it :)
I thank God for these unexpected wonders! And disappointments too I guess.
Tata~
*
 |
| i really hope so. |
Monday, June 23
Monday blues?
It has been a great day despite the fact that there were high and lows too! Started the day with hitting the gym, and sauna before heading for duck brekky with mummy. Went for facial at AC after, then went home and chilled. Watched an episode of PLL S5E1, then took a nap till evening and waking up to the aroma from dinner. Showered, and headed out for dessert with the ever lovely Abs. Took a drive home in her Viva and off I am deciding to sleep right away, but ended up replying msgs and now im sleeping at 1. (Tho the time of this post states otherwise - it's just to keep my blogposts neat and tidy hehe.)
Actually I've been quite crunched with my skin issue and it's been a pain in the buttocks. Ranging from switching skincare products as to hunting for the Holy Grail, spending money on complementary products and then being disappointed by supposedly promising results, and also to figuring out if my life/body system is that messed up for my acne to keep relapsing. It's quite a distressing cycle, hence, I haven't been the most enthused person to wander around town today.
Spending time at the gym today felt okay, and with the time allowance that I was given, it had been a little therapeutic, I must say. When I got home and chilled at my bed, it was okay too.
As dessert kicked off, I had fun catching up with Abs. I went with a different feeling I had carried before, and I felt more open now, though i never really deliberately to have reservations. I feel likr she's grown so much into a lady, and she's got such a great heart, for the people around her as well. As we were chatting, my sullen mood was slowly lifted up as she kept me updated with stories about people that I love around church and in IS. My mind slowly sparked as I anticipated the catch up sessions that I bound to have with so many people! Too exciting.
Then, as my sloppy eyes wandered outside Fruit Monster, Felix caught my sight and left my mouth open wide in awe. I hugged him and we all had a quick brief catch up sesh, and turned out they had been planning to surprise me since yesterday, when I touched down. But the plan backfired due to my notorious glitch of bad replying habits. The coinincidence where I mentioned Felix's name when Abs asked who wouldn't I have minded to join us for dessert seemed to be the sprinkling choco rice on a sundae. :D hehe. Felt so warm just as the time I saw Aubili at the First Garden Night Market, which also briefly reminded me of The Leave :)
I went home and decided to watch a show then sleep early. Instead of watching shows, I chose to reply messages and I can't believe it's been taking me till 1am. I've been talking to Aub, Cedric, Bulu, 6B yamcha group, Lowa, Derpina, Pie, Andy, BB men, sar, Jie, Nat and also Ollie who left a very constructing and sweet message. This is such a pleasant surprise. #blessed
Aights, meeting with some 6B peepz tmr. Will blog again then, as well as a post on my Bill :) xoxo!
Friday, June 20
This made me smile today :)
So much of a coincidence when I decided to buzz him to comment on his newly changed dp, where he was crowned prom king and it looked great! Esp with his little princess. >:D Little did I know, England v. Uruguay was on for World Cup in 10 minutes at 3am in the night, and I was so much taken aback as that match supposedly is the only match I wanna catch for world cup cuz my favourite boys are playing against each other!!! I remember feeling sulky about not being able to watch the match as I'm in Ipoh, but hey, the reminder from him felt literally like jackpot and it 'swept my feet away'. Well, I didnt get to finish watching the match tho, fell asleep :(
Anywho, when the match ended and I got myself to bed, he replied saying that he's currently in Ipoh, and my oh my, that's where I am! I rang him up in the afternoon and found out that we stay just really closeby to other. And the 'coincidence' of it all felt uncanny, yet amusing and fun at the same time. Told him I was checking out the Pasar Malam tonight, and then I went to Ipoh Parade in the afternoon.
As I arrived and checked out the stalls around, suddenly I saw him and hahahah I was so excited! I'm just really happy that I got to spend some time around catching up and esp at a foreign place where all things were merely coincidental. Aubili often feels distant, cuz we don't talk ALL the time, but if I try harder to think, we actually spend a lot of time together but we just can barely remember it well XD It seems like each time I go back, we'd hang out but it's just really odd, (hence the repeat) how we don't remember it well.
Now it reminds me of the time we hung out at school, where he'd vent to me about his relationship issues by illustrating Physics concepts. This often leaves me dumbfounded and I'd just occupy myself with lunch as the convo geta going. This also reminds me of the times we sat together at the edge of the table at Physics tuition by the wall, where he'd pay full attention and then me, bombarding him questions cuz I'm just that weak. Sanny and Amy'd sit next to me, and occasionally we'd all have a lil fun by tossing our slippers around. Oooh, and thr time whwn I rang him up fot fun during Xmas and he showed up at the Youth Dinner just like that. And when he came as a sub during Olympic Day on his bike, and when he agreed to be Lala's partner for Prefects Farewell Dinner 2012 and it totally made Lala's day!
One thing about this guy, is how easygoing he is. And I suppose that's why the times we hung out together don't seem to present itself vividly on its own when Tim pops up in my head. He's such a good soul, and such a rare gem. With qualities like being genuine, simple and just... kind, those girls whose heads often turn at the sight of him have got so much more to discover, rather than his white looks alone, LOL. That's what happened when we went to Something Brewing and had some tea just now. Even guys turned their heads XD oh! And the fact that he's smart is just another icing on the cake.
So glad this happened, and seems to me like he's got a whole bright future ahead of him =) best wishes to him and may God bless our friendship! :D
#aubili
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