So anyways, I just finished reading the Fault In Our Stars by John Green, I thought it was a pretty interesting novel, and I finished it in less than a day! I started when this day itself commenced at 12am, reading for two hours. Then dabbed on bits of it throughout the day, sat down and resumed reading from 2pm with only the teeniest interruptions, and completed it at 5pm. :D #milestone? It depicts the story of kids with cancers and how their lives intertwined along the way. Dang, as for now, I wish I had the eloquence to write a great review each time I finish reading a novel, just as well as the author had written it, or maybe not 100% proficient, but with 1/25, I would already be content and happy :D
Yesterday, after church, had some great lunch with friends from church at Damai Sang Nyuk Mien, collected one Polaroid photo of me, Abs, Claire and Chloe :) After that, me and Claire skedaddled to CBTL and we exchanged some stories of her relationship with this guy, and my life in KL and the conversation was winded up with some rather thoughtful(sentimental?) issues. I was saying how I'd envy people who are in a relationship, and I'd long for a partner myself. I'd always find myself wondering why I haven't found the 'right' person. Saying 'right' seems to fall in a context too strong where I'd receive skeptical responses if I say it in public. I don't know, but I doubt that I've met that person yet. That person who'd not just tolerate and accept me for my flaws, but really truly love me for my flaws too. So far, I've come across with different people who I may have a fling or two with. But having said of this crush though, I've yet to experience the feeling of 100% convinced that this is the person I would love to share my life with, and attempt to grow together.
Having said that, being 100% convinced if this person is a life partner, and marriage and soulmate and all, is a totally different context, alright. It's just the very simple thought of having a 'boyfriend' I guess. With the guys I've met, on the friendly level, we get along just right, everything we do respectively seemed to hit the right notes. But it's again, different when considering taking it to the next level. I am inevitably bothered by the little flaws that I had always been oblivious to when we were just bros. They all suddenly seem like the most attention seeking perks. - I don't do this intentionally, and I get frustrated that it happens too, I really do, I always feel degraded...
Claire was saying, "Chris, for as long as I've known you, you are a very special person. And I have the feeling that when you meet the guy, he seems like he'll be the first and also the last boyfriend. You've got your strengths and weaknesses, and you will meet a guy who will accept both your strengths and weaknesses. He could be a crazy guy, but just hopefully not as crazy as you.." The last end to it was a tease, I suppose :X *fingers crossed*, lol Oh, and of some significant parts were, "If you are patient to wait on God, God will give you the perfect guy" I've heard this many times, and I know it by heart too, and I don't ever want to doubt God's promise, and I have faith - of course. My whole life, at its best, revolves around having faith in God's promises. But at the same time, I just get flustered as to whether is it really going to happen, and what if I stay single forever.. And at the same time, the other side of my head keeps saying that, "I know that God knows my heart." - I say this because I've seen people being granted their hearts' longings, though sometimes it feels like they didn't really pray that hard for it -- from an onlooker's point of view.
As desperate as I may sound, realistically speaking, I know that 1) there isn't anyone even anywhere close to fitting the bill, and 2) even if someone pursues me, I'd go through a series of fierce contemplation, before settling down for an answer - and by the looks of it, it's looking pretty pessimistic :P ..... Pardon the contradiction, but really, as cliche as it may sound, when the right person comes, of course I'd settle.
*
You know sometimes I feel really special. I was born on Christmas Day. I am half-deaf - it's not as bad as it suggests, I just can't hear with my left ear, but if I didn't tell you, or if you didn't sit next to me in class, you wouldn't know :). And I'm a thinker, a HUGE thinker - Can a person be too introspective?, Sometimes I'd feel like a genius cuz so many things have seemed to cross my mind before, but the drawback to this is that I'd never be able to settle for what this purpose is.
The traits I mentioned above, they are not, as according to the usual society's perception, tangible achievements which mould a person into being outstanding which results in labelling a person as special. Till date, I still have yet to discover my "talents", "strengths" and my "purpose". And honestly, that's not cool but I'm self-assured that even so, I won't feel completely stripped down of my self-esteem, due to my religious beliefs in God, the author in heaven who knew me even in my mother's womb, and at the very least, stick to the unconventional traits that I was born with - to distinguish that I'm different from others.
You know the kind of posts that flood the Internet about discovering our identity? Well, I wouldn't want to associate myself as part of the targeted community - cause I feel like I'm not wretched of being lost, but then when I read these posts, I can't help but feel that e v e r y o n e else out there, has figured his/her life out, one way or another. And yet, I'm still here, a Gen-Y creeping its way to break free to explore into the world's endless opportunities and new experiences, but still manacled and confined by transitionary clash of interests from Gen-X. It is really hard, you know.
And one way or another, I've become an indecisive person. Sure, I'm open to new experiences, new lessons, but I could also be your person to go to if you just wanna shut the world away and chill within your own comfort zone. I am really, okay with anything. That's the hard part, I can't decide, and I'd love it better if all else has been mandated, and I'd be just complying orders. It really is a harsh reality check when it comes to being responsible for your own decisions. And now in this world that I live in, it is the most common view where you see people doing their own course of things just to serve for a better future. Has it ever got to you that sometimes people can get too drawn into the future that they just, simply forget to friggin' live in the present? How ideal would it be if we could just decide on something, and get through it, experience all the things we are supposed to, and then move on to the next chapter? Why is it that what I do now has gotta be interrelated so directly and literally interrelated with my next phase of life? I guess, it's true that the world isn't a wish-granting factory.- John Green, The Fault in Our Stars.
Yes, I am a very complicated person. Now you know. And I am just praying that I'll find someone who can tolerate this friggin i n s a n i t y, my Augustus, my Bill you know..
. . . . . . .
Pardon the abrupt halt to the longwinding thoughts, my stomach is growling.
No comments:
Post a Comment