"Oh ya.... Remember you said last time that you were..." *twirls finger in the air in the search of the right memory* 

"You said you were the kuchi or something.. and that she is the partner and I'm the partner...." *twirling*

"You mean, when I said I was the peanut?"

"Ya! You said something to the effect that you're very small or insignificant..." *I could feel my tears build up*

"If you have a job, you gotta do your job. You gotta do your job well" (or smth like that)

"In a previous file, if we were to draft an affidavit (a great one), we wouldn't know where to start. But if the LA comes and points out to me several letters in the correspondence, the partner will take it to thoughts and think, 'Ah, that's a good point'. And then begins the crafting of affidavit. Without the LA's knowledge on the correspondence, we wouldn't know how to do (go about) it.

If your job is to maintain the correspondence, then do it! You gotta do your job!

So, don't you ever think you are insignificant! Everyone has a role to play."

-

Been slacking in devotion this week, in spite of desperate needs. 

Subliminally/subconsicously, I've been praying/hoping/desiring that God will encourage me. I dare note even verbalizing such request in my head, but merely lingering on a memory where my prayer for an encouragement with pure childlike uncomplicated faith was granted during Bar school, several times. 

I didn't know how to cope, so I suppress.

Though I continued to carry such intense longing, I'd like to say at my posterior lobe (at the back of my head), if there was one *chuckles... I couldn't bring myself to do anything about it. (Couldn't in italics because.. idk how true it is.)

After the short convo this morn, as I sat back in my chair, I wondered if this was the encouragement I'd been seeking for.

I will claim it, for all good things come from the Good Father. Thank you Lord, regardless, of what (i.e. i actually mean my lack of faith, or good sense, whichever).

-

P.S. In my suppressing and coping this week, my frail heart turned to Grey's Anatomy in search for a remedy to my soul, or just a distraction maybe. I kinda buried myself in Grey's Anatomy (which I honestly think is my favourite and the best TV show, ever) after multiple futile attempts against it. Sheperd swoons me, every, time, I literally smile ear to ear, each time until I had to deliberately remember that this person while in the delivery of his charm is surrounded by cameras and cameramen all around. I'm in disbelief myself at the swooning. I find my true desire for a relationship reignited, upon shoving it away deliberately for a season. Watching GA at this season of my life brought much enlightenment and perspective - suddenly I relate to the rookies tryna make sense of their drilling work life, relationship, adulthood, family burdens, bills, competition.. Perhaps, i thought it a faithful companion while it (the episodes) lasted. No doubt it caused me to revisit the history of my pursuit of medicine. At one point, I wondered if I'd be better or if medicine actually was my thing since it's more objective than it is subjective - which is the substance of law, tbh, that I struggle most with.

BTW.

THE BEWILDERING CALL OF GOD

Aug 5, 2020/in Devotional, Featured Devotionals /by Oswald Chambers

“…and all things that are written by the prophets concerning the Son of Man will be accomplished.” … But they understood none of these things… —Luke 18:31, 34

God called Jesus Christ to what seemed absolute disaster. And Jesus Christ called His disciples to see Him put to death, leading every one of them to the place where their hearts were broken. His life was an absolute failure from every standpoint except God’s. But what seemed to be failure from man’s standpoint was a triumph from God’s standpoint, because God’s purpose is never the same as man’s purpose.

This bewildering call of God comes into our lives as well. The call of God can never be understood absolutely or explained externally; it is a call that can only be perceived and understood internally by our true inner-nature. The call of God is like the call of the sea—no one hears it except the person who has the nature of the sea in him. What God calls us to cannot be definitely stated, because His call is simply to be His friend to accomplish His own purposes. Our real test is in truly believing that God knows what He desires. The things that happen do not happen by chance—they happen entirely by the decree of God. God is sovereignly working out His own purposes.

If we are in fellowship and oneness with God and recognize that He is taking us into His purposes, then we will no longer strive to find out what His purposes are. As we grow in the Christian life, it becomes simpler to us, because we are less inclined to say, “I wonder why God allowed this or that?” And we begin to see that the compelling purpose of God lies behind everything in life, and that God is divinely shaping us into oneness with that purpose. A Christian is someone who trusts in the knowledge and the wisdom of God, not in his own abilities. If we have a purpose of our own, it destroys the simplicity and the calm, relaxed pace which should be characteristic of the children of God.

Taken from “My Utmost For His Highest”

We count it all joy.

"With Christ in the vessel, 
we can smile at the storm,

Truly, in the toughest of times, only faith can sustain us.
How much can it sustain us, is then a test of faith.
Every battle we go through, is a battle for our souls.
Who shall be the ultimate victor?
We pray that Christ will always win.

Blessings.

A couple of months ago, it occurred to me - is my return to M'sia & my family, possibly a sign that I'm a step closer... to the passing of my parents?

I know the thought is absurd, just as it was immediately and loudly slammed by a friend when I in false courage, brought myself to verbalise it one time.

The formulation of such thought is due to stories of praise I've heard where someone would have returned to his or her hometown after years abroad, and several years later when a parent's passed away, in hindsight, he'd recognize God's faithful hands through the years, and receive the a revelation that "Oh.. So that's probably why God prompted me to come home, so I could spend all these last years of my parent, together."

I couldn't help but wonder, if such was also... my fate.

My dad has been feeling unwell over the past few weeks. It is quite unprecedented, as this time, the illness took captive of his mind and spirit too. When the head of the house seems dejected, the entire family worries along, the spirit of the family members are equally grieved. It is unprecedented of my father who's always been firm in stature and character, who's the loudest extrovert in the room, who usually has no room for overthinking, negative emotions to dwell, who often looks at problems as opportunities in disguise.

This is unprecedented, because my father today, who is diagnosed as perfectly well by the doctors, panics when cold sweat trickles down his body and appears to be convinced that there is a virus in his blood that is beyond doctors. Covid-19 has yet again, launched another seemingly lethal attack, on another family.

It has been really discouraging. A silver lining that I could gather was / is, the unity of our family this crisis has brought.

As I ponder upon the past few years of my return to Malaysia with a primary intention to take care of my parents, I've been keeping count that this is the second crisis that's hit my family. A part of me wonders, is this one of those testimonies where I'd say, "Thank God I am here in closer proximity to my parents where I can afford to offer physical care, and perhaps make a difference where support is concerned"; another part of me offers a more dominant thought in that, this was actually going to happen all along.. anyway.. whether I'm home or not. I'm rather swayed that this was part of God's plan - not in the sense that He's inflicted my family with crises, but in allowing it, it's probably a part of the entire grand picture, all along.

In that sense, I find a deep, unwavering state of mind that the latter is it. And if that's the case, there's really not much I can do... if it really was all part of the Plan. It would have happened anyway.

This unwavering position that seems to take place deep down inside of me - I'd say "feel" - but really, this position is beyond emotions because this position is like a seawall or a firm fort that has ocean waves with unfathomable depth and intrinsics crashing against it, over and over again, sometimes even crashing over it., but never destroying it.

- My futile attempt of an analogy of course seeks to affix the "ocean" as a symbol of my emotions.-

It is an unwavering position of perhaps.. truth, that my bewilderings emotions can't reconcile or make sense of. This "position" honestly,  feels quite similar, if not completely, to the "position" that was "taking place" when I decided to take my current job back in 2018 - bewildering thoughts and emotions, circumstances, yet as how I'd always put it, "I just know deep down inside, this is what I'm supposed to do in this moment / season. I couldn't let it go... for I don't know what reason.". Similarly, I'm just feeling now, "this would have happened... anyway", no matter what I did, where I am...

Naturally, and perhaps undoubtedly, I am discouraged, sad, somewhat worried.. I'm not sure if I'm able to fully explain the reasons behind these responses or emotions even if I attempted to.

There a million thoughts that's ran my mind, none of which really hits the bull's eye, though they seem tempted to. Today's sermon about overcoming anxiety had me wondering why would God test us... In usual human relationships, testing another person is actually really offensive. If really so, then why would God who is omniscient break us, just to test us, when he knows that we absolutely can't do it without him? Why does it have to sound like a game of ego - me admitting my wrong in an extravagant manner just to experience a little more of God? It makes no sense to me right now.. Doesn't that go against love? Why would you hurt someone just to test how much they love you....  Why would His presence that has arrived, come, has to... go? Perhaps the presentation of "trials" being identified as "tests" have hit a point of banality in my life, that we miss the point...

I continue to wonder on behalf of my father, if indeed so, that if God is omnipotent and ever-present, why does he feel so far away? Why am I not well, yet? Why do I feel well today, and not, tomorrow? Why must every moment, feel like a test and a constant battle? Is my reading of the news my fault to feed myself evil? Why does it take "so much" just to grow in faith, and experience the presence of God.

As a person of faith, I know that God will take us through. It truly is so easy to profess faith and praise God when all is well. When all isn't well, how do we find strength in our faith to sustain us? Having said that, I had a brief "vision" in my head earlier where I saw myself sharing a testimony in these words... "When all is well, it is undoubtedly easy if not natural to praise the Lord. I thank God for the grace that I can stand here and praise His name even when things are not well.." It's "brief" because I stopped myself from exploring that line of thought...

Another question that arose is of course, "What if my dad dies?". My thoughts froze at that at immediate thought.

I can only say, "I am not ready, I honestly am not,". The burdens of the world just fell back on my shoulders.

Amidst all wandering thoughts, 1 stood out particularly, though not really enough in my opinion (but what do i know) - I recently heard a testimony of a couple who are leaders in church, who both lost their jobs due to Covid-19, and both gained a new job each within the span of 2 weeks. I could only think, "God takes care of us", when I heard this testimony. Something lifted from my spirit, though I feel just a little weight, not all.

I was further comforted by this testimony when I heard a friend who applied for a job during MCO, and indeed got the job that is due to start asap when she's ready. This story encourages me to think that our God is a supernatural God, a God against the odds, our God is an outlier.

I immediately shared these stories with a friend who's mildly worried about moving on to a new job but has been holding her horses due to the depressed economy. I exclaimed to her with glee that, "God takes care of us babe, God will take care of you. So don't worry, okay?"

She then naturally bounced that thought back to my circumstance - "The same God who takes care of J&J and Amy, will take care of your father. He loves your father more than you do.."

Today, there doesn't seem to be an improvement on the face of it with my dad. He told me yesterday he's managing his assets because he anticipates that he will not be able to anymore if he doesn't get better. I know he means in the nearest of future because he's been engrossed doing that, driven by fear (I assume..) today.

Previously in uni days perhaps, upon catching a point, usually, the things on earth will follow suit pretty immediately i.e. I experience social awkardness due to my real self, then I read a word that encourages being real, then I'm comforted and a social situation is resolved pretty "instantly".

Now, I seem to have a stark realization or awareness that this situation that befell my family is here to "last" for a little longer, more than a day or two, perhaps a season. But I often hold my tongue - fearing that my "enunciation" of such words amount to a false declaration. Oh such archaic laws, thank God for the blood of Jesus that has fulfilled the law.

As I churn out these thoughts regarding this situation, I realise that there's been a maturity from the years. It is true that maturity can only be experienced, once you see it, you can't unsee it. But if you've yet to see it, you'd have no idea of what it's like.

If so, the paranoid part of me wonders where this "maturity" will seek to take me? Does it seek to see me fail in my job, my family falling apart, succumbing to sickness, financial difficulties... just so that my faith will be refined in the furnace and turn gold?

In the between, in the now, I don't know what to do, what to feel. I still wish sometimes God was like a genie, that his presence is permanent, is forever lit, that comes and transcends and arrives so tangibly like how a gloomy cloud announces itself... That the line between this world and God is less succinct. In the meantime, I will try.. to continue to hope, to trust that God is in control, and 1 day it'll make sense - hopefully not at the expense of the passing of someone.. But I just gotta trust that God has mine, my dad's best interests at heart.

"When the mountains fall 
And the tempest roars 
You are with me 
When creation folds 
Still my soul will soar on Your mercy 
I'll walk through the fire 
With my head lifted high 
And my spirit revived in Your story 
And I'll look to the cross 
As my failure is lost 
In the light of Your glorious grace" 

This song played midway as I blogged. I remember this song spoke to me back as I was broken into hinto tears when I finally, accepted in my heart and spirit, the decision to not quit law school, and return because "I will walk through the fire with my head lifted high."

Yesterday's meetup with Hailey was also encouraging. Hearing her stories where God is ever so present, although now I don't so much "envy" that my God doesn't seem to be as instant having learnt that God loves me the same, I am reminded that the same God who is ever present in her life, whose love language to her appears to me speediess + omnipresence, loves me just the same, although the love seems to be expressed quite abstractly in seasons instead. Regardless, I trust that God is watching over me, us, and speaking to us every day.

Holy Spirit, take over.

"What if Your healing comes through tears 
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near"

I'm not ready to dispute the truth of the above statements. but if any, Lord, I pray that dad will always know that You are near. Amen.

"What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise..."

TBT

Beauty for Ashes

Coronavirus: 'recovered' patient dies as China reports discharged cases falling ill again

Previously, we had the privilege to rejoice in the prospects of recovery in spite of infection. Waking up to this news today simply means that our hopes may have been misplaced. Death is imminent, after all.

Surely, I'm taking things to the extreme. In the absence of further research and reports, nothing much could be made of this report besides capturing a further emphasis on the need to take maximum precautions, until the water gets clear.

Notwithstanding the statistics, the prevailing unchanging truth is that death is imminent.

I used to be extremely confident that until I fall in love, I have long till I die. I thought so, since one of my greatest desires simply has yet to be fulfilled, a desire I believe comes from God, God surely is not done with me. But as indicated in a previous post, my perspective on love and relationships have somewhat been "pruned". From a higher vantage point, I appreciate a conviction deposited into my heart recently that my identity is not complete until I fall in love. On a practical level, relationships succumb to the brokenness of this world and fall apart, all the time. A relationship makes or breaks one's destiny (mine & the partner's). Broken relationships leave ramifications that carry through generations, capable to hurt our children, family, friends, loved ones... My point is, my personal illusion that "love" hinders death from becoming, is effectively extinguished, for better or worse. >.<

Now that we all live in the face of death, in a virus-stricken world, what does that make of us? Do we fear in the face of adversity? Or rejoice in a prospective testimony because "with Christ in the vessel, we can smile at the storm", or do we further rejoice into eternity because "to live is Christ, to die is gain"?

If we die tomorrow, out of infliction of Covid19 or another, will we be at peace and rejoice as we finally reunite with God in heaven - where there will be no more tears, no death or sorrow, no crying, no more pain?

Will we be ready to let go of the different loads we've been carrying on earth over the past decades, including the thoughts that don't make us strong?

Will we be ready to rejoice at all that we've accomplished, be it through adversity, loss, good times or seemingly complacent and lost days?

Will we be ready to have conversations we've been withholding out of pain disguised as ego, to forgive all the unmet expectations and disappointments we've accumulated in our hearts, to let all things go and truly embrace the life we've lived as an individual?

Will we finally put our foot down and finally confront the possibility that there may no longer be a future for creases to be ironed, for hatchets to be buried, and really be honest with where we are, how we feel?

Will we finally celebrate our lives for what it is,  raw and unfiltered, and celebrate the people who are currently in our lives?

Can we readily anticipate Jesus to come to and say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant" in spite of our losses and self-perceived inadequacies, where all our questions will finally make perfect sense in that instance?

"A crisis brings the best and worst out of a person."

Perhaps it's a good time for us to reevaluate our lives and our priorities, to re-evaluate what we live for. As the world now forces us to live in solitude (of varying degrees), what could God be saying to us at this moment? If we're grounded at home with our loved ones, what is God intending for our time together with our loved ones? If we find ourselves alone in this season of self-quarantine, what could God intend for our personal solitude?

What is God revealing to us through this crisis? What is God stirring in our hearts in such challenging times? What is God's heart for the people around us who are hurting and directly or indirectly inflicted by this crisis? What could God possibly intend for such a devasting crisis inflicted upon the world?

Through faith, we can know with confidence that "all things work for the good of those who love Him". Through faith, we know that God is working even when we don't feel it or see it.

Death or not, imagine us all arriving with answers to all these fundamental questions with a greater clarity of who we are, who we want to be, who we can be and who God is.... I can only imagine the world to truly be a better place when this crisis finally, and actually, departs us, only for the world to hopefully be re-populated by humans emerging with fresh sense of identity, purpose, humanity.

Regardless of what happens, we can take comfort in knowing that although "here on earth we will have many trials and sorrows, but we can take heart, because Jesus has overcome the world.” He is with us, He is for us.

Everyone needs a Denise!

Thank You Denise, for everything :)

You mean the world to me!

I know I terribly said before that I was not a "best-friend" kinda person,

but if I were, I think it's probably because of you :)

<3

Though through the valley of death, You are with me.

"Do what that brings you peace, what that fuels your passion.."

It's ironic that my days are primarily threatened by anxiety, inadequacy, low self-esteem, lack of joy, desperate yearns of breaking into passion, environmental-induced introversion, passiveness, pensiveness which subconsciously culminate into tighter wrestles of faith each time... No doubt, if any, these manifestations merely allude to different facets of me that needs to be moulded, sharpened, dealt with by God...

I used to feel so uncomfortable for feeling all this discomfort. These days I realise most days they feel normal. Coming across an old post-it saying, "Don't normalize the abnormal" have supposedly triggered these thoughts...

On some lucky days when I'd be sufficiently present to have caught a line or two from the tv playing in the background, I'd find myself ponder simultaneously with the orator in that moment "I have never felt so alive.." before finding myself having quickly exited back into the undefined enigmatic yet bleak world of random thoughts that don't go anywhere... wondering.. when was the last time I'd felt alive.... My thoughts continue to be stars I cannot fathom into constellations, but this saying seems too euphemistic to describe this lost and threatening i-dont-know that i find myself spiralling in.

Yet, the genuine silver lining is as far as I wander, rebel, lose myself through the distance across the entire circumference, grace ties me down to the center, never allowing me to wander beyond the radius, ever. Grace catches me, faith is my anchor to keep me going, literally, every day. Faith, that my lacklustre life will pick up colours in time; faith, that it will make sense one day; faith, that my life is not wasted by being so lost; faith, that conventional wisdom don't define me; faith, that God's love is so deep and relentless that it continues to crashes over me - even when I don't feel it; faith, that as long as I am alive, God's will for my life is not done; faith, that "you've kept track of all my wandering and my weeping"; faith, that his favour, mercy, grace continue to cover me like a shield, every day; faith, that there must be more than this...

faith, that God "is no less God within the shadows, no less faithful when the night leads me astray".

Previously, I had gone through a season where I finally understood what it meant to be "numb", it's simply everything yet nothing at the same time. These days I find myself breaking into weird fits of tears... It's somewhat grudging, full of moans, groans, chokes for air, and lots of wrenching of the gut and abdomen, and curling up. At the first or second occurrence, i thought it'd probably make sense as it appears to be a release of bottled up emotions. Soon after, it no longer makes sense. I don't understand it.. And I don't fancy that I no longer have control over things, am no longer able to make sense of things, and this disability to do the same persists into something I worry I grow used to till I lose my sense altogether and lose the ability to recognize the same... I'd hate to be complacent in ignorance that I can't even recognize... Amidst these weird but lesser choke-ups now, I recognize a subtle sense of lightness seeping in and joy fragments here and there... I think.. that I'm going to be okay..... :)

This past year and a half has been tremendous. I feel that so much has happened within me internally, concepts, ideas, belief systems are challenged and perhaps even changed, for better or worse. My ideas on love, family, religion, life, God, identity, have been tested and shaken. It doesn't help that I feel that I suck at my work every, day. I detest that my identity is so closely attached to my work, but I thank God for the grace that allows me to recognize it. I won't say that mere recognition solves the issue, I still struggle to see more of God at work, and I pray that that will happen in time. This life, is Yours after all, Lord. I am but a vessel.

Being weighed down by all these i-dont-knows really challenge my motivation all the time, but I also thank God that sometimes I'm reminded out of nowhere of a Great Big Picture of the world, that I have genuine desires and dreams for, and the insecurities I feel about my work, my life would almost immediately pale in comparison, and I can lift my chin up and get on with life again... although with pursed lips most times, but slowly but surely...

My prayer is that even as I feel like I'm thrown at all sides by just sitting down here, "cruising" through my monotonous nonsensical life patterns, as I wish that I was better, every day, God, You're in control, that God, You'll finish what You've started in - me.

..

A random post this is.. but please, just bear with me hey...? :)

xx