S K I N
My skin hasn't been very encouraging for the past one year. It has always been an area of concern ever since puberty hit me when I was 15. There's been good and bad days, the cycle continues to fluctuate, even until today. You might think one may get used to it, or have mastered the art behind it now, but guess what, I am still learning & experimenting (as much as I hate to say so). My skin is not very straightforward - it has been difficult for me to conceive a clear equation with regards to factors like hormones, stress, period, diet, sleep, dirt, products, allergy, genetics, weather etc... I never really understand it.
Throughout the years, my "subtle/silent/staple" skin has subconsciously played a very LOUD (prominent) role in defining my self-esteem. I realise how dependent my confidence is based on my skin condition - either based on my own perception, or based on other people's comments. When people don't comment, my perception can be so crucial in setting my tone for the day. e.g. one morning when I wash my face, i may feel that it's smooth, & it rejuvenates my energy instantly! but it may all come crashing down if I discover many bumps that aren't visible before probing. I'd take a deep breath, then walk away, feeling quite sorry for myself. Sometimes, I don't even realize my deliberate act of adapting this mentality. It's such a shame to admit that perhaps I may have gotten used to it. It's so familiar that I forget that it's wrong.
Throughout the years, I have spent a fortune trying plenty of skincare products of various brands. My skincare changes when my skin fails to improve as promised despite always employing a usual grace period of at least 3months to each brand, during which I'd go all out to use the entire range of products, wishing that my skin would strike that perfect chemistry the brand advocates. I went for so many facial sessions even since middle high school - some were pleasant and therapeutic, some were just painful and I'd have to bear my "battle scars" with me for weeks. This series of practices continued until almost 3 years back when I decided to consult a dermatologist. I was so excited!!! because I had witnessed positive testimonies from a few friends.
So I started the doctor's course of acne treatment that supposedly made my skin very dry. The improvement started to appear more significantly 6mths-1year after treatment. Then for the first half of last year, my skin was at its prime! I don't remember feeling really ecstatic then, but now thinking back, I remember how I barely thought of (or worried about) my skin then. (Praise the Lord! With all that the things I had on my plate, looking back, I can't imagine if I could handle my self-esteem being further challenged by my skin condition!!) Around the same time when my skin was awesome, I coincidentally ran out of medicine and my prescription. I thought perhaps I could ditch my medicine now that my skin has healed, and I can go back to being normal. 3 months later, small bumps invaded my forehead before bigger bumps started to appear on my cheeks. I was preparing to go to UK then. I renewed my prescription, & was so disappointed when my dermatologist told me "because your treatment was put to a stop abruptly, you have to restart your treatment." Boy, was I crushed! Prior to finishing my meds, I was on a 1 pill per 2 weeks basis, & the dermatologist suggested me to go back on a 1 pill per 2-3 days. That just means more money, more time, more unnatural remedies that controls my hormones, more impact on my liver, more time I need to be aware that I shouldn't get pregnant because my current biological condition would be harmful to the baby (hypothetically). Despite renwing my prescription, during my time in the UK, I can barely remember a day when I can confidently step out and not be conscious about my skin. (I have recently finished my medication & have yet to renew it, because I wish to resort to more natural remedies.)But as of today, I'm so grateful for makeup! It does not heal my skin, in fact, it could aggravate it. I try my best not to wear it when I can, but otherwise, it has served me well to get me through my days.
Anyway, I'm not trying to recommend anyone to resort to makeup as a solution to problematic skin. My point is, there are so many things in life that can be out of our control. & in my case, it's something as crucial/basic/simple/natural as my skin. Sometimes, we may not understand why certain things happen to us, why are we put in certain conditions/circumstances, we may feel certain things are totally uncalled for. We may feel that we do not deserve certain things at all, but I think that that doesn't relieve us from dealing with it properly while we seek to understand along the way. I used to feel so much more discouraged about my skin. But over the years, I'm glad to say that I have made more peace with it and it doesn't bother me as much as before anymore. I thank God that my skin doesn't define me, as much as my thoughts like me to think so. I also thank God, that there's something to learn from every experience - & for me, it's learning to be OK with not being OK. This is not a complacency call, but a call for peace so that our joy is not robbed as life continues to go on despite our insecurities.
I am praying that God will heal my skin, so that I do not have to worry nor spend a fortune on something that's beyond my control. It hasn't been fulfilled yet, at least not physically. But I do admit that, it's been much easier for me to let go after I deliberately surrendered it to God despite it sounding like an unrealistic thought to begin with. Peace did not come immediately, but it came eventually, & I find myself happier today. :)
P.S. I've always wanted to write a post about my skin, but never gotten around to do it. So here goes! xx
