it's only, Saturday :)

*

my silly rash :O
and oh how fat i've gone > . <

Hey all, got back from the beserk Night War which lasted over 12 hours non-stop. Haha this is hilarious. When it was written 'War Begins' at 5pm, and 'War Ends' at 8am, I thought it was Zack trying to simplify the whole schedule, little did I know that it was that real. Lol. A bunch of Xiao people came, Fiona and Lyjc too! and we were all in Team Orange. Chai, Steven, CYC, Leong came like just like they did previously. I was up and going for the first few rounds, but got rashes on my thigh, got it burning my skin, and I 'died' next, and stopped fighting. I chilled around with Aaron, jie, aubili, chai at the playground. Eeling, seol, celine, petra were there, here and there.



* I feel like shit that I screwed up seol's emotions. I just wish it didn't. and that mind games stop itself from screwing his emotions, cuz basically everything's still the same. the mind could only be so detrimental till everything seems like the end of the world, where realistically, nothing has changed.

randoom piccaass.. Look at what Aaron's doing =.=

* I chatted with ay about how he's such a tough nut to crack and also about letting go things that got him angry. bits and pieces. friendlessness, insecurity, life sucks, why are we everyone's pick-ons, stupid war game with uptight kids, screw fitting in etc, the list goes on. Life isn't that bad, I hope he could see it and really believe it. Sometimes I'd compare it with myself in my head, which is something I dreadfully don't want to do. But right now at this point, I just feel compressed and feel like I have so much more on me rather. But ok, I'm not gonna continue do this, tho I just did the unwanted. We both have it heavy on our plate, we just gotta toughen up and not let it weigh down our hearts.

He told me that when somebody stops liking someone, that person appears less beautiful than the goddess he once was infatuated with. It could go extreme, to the extent of even being ugly, lulz. I asked if L'd find me less beautiful, which was actually just the surface of the tons of confused and boiling emotions inside. I don't think he properly answered me anyway, as he always seems so off-side. Idk, I was prepared not to raise my hopes too high anyway. But I'm still grateful!! :)

When me and Aubili went for our sleep at friggin' 4 am in the morning, I remember ay saying 'Hey,' while resting his arm on my knees. He let go afterwards, sitting down facing down. We made small chats, which I don't remember now. And the second event was when the final war that i bloody missed ended, he came and sat next to me (both of us were asleep), and patted me on my head, pulled my shirt over my skin that was showing and we chatted casual stuff like usual. He was so friggin' happy with his time spent with Petz, and thanked me for asking him to initiate things. I'm happy that he's happy :)

Anyway, he was such an ass and bitch to call for defense when I intended go solo on the attacks. But a 'sweetie pie' to "encourage" me to resolve my sudden urge of cursing lol, i'm sorry >.<

* Idk where I stand in his heart for now. He ceasing caring for me, even the lil things. It's pretty saddening to be honest. I feel numb tho. It feels like everything is just working on the surface, but my heart remains numb underneath that layer. I can't feel heartstab, or heavy hearts. I instead feel like effin' turnado swirl in my abdomen. Geez, I've gotta stop the intake of caffeine or lime or whatsoever that sends me the twirl of emotions that I just can't get control of. I exchanged my shoes for his slippers! #justsaying lol. Hmm. Ay asked me to go all out with confrontation etc. I doubt that I'm ever gonna do that lul. Cuz I don't know what I want as well, so I don't wanna commit into things that I'm unsure of.

I don't know what to do, whether I should keep hoping and nurturing this relationship, or should I let go and look forward? I screen through news about celebrity couples, see couples everywhere in real life, and think to myself that these people met their soul mates often during the most unexpected incident. I'm not sure if I should believe it to be that way, or just, you know, work on things btw me and L.

I actually was dry with hope for the relationship stuff, and only opt for full blast on our so-called GOOD frienship. Ay gave me hope, saying that he said that I'd still stand a chance. I don't know if I'd be the girl he first fell in love with, and will always be in love with. Or I'm the girl he first fell in love with, got over it and realised it wasn't love at all. The future is so damn uncertain. I've got to get my faith restored *fingers crossed*

We chatted last night a bit, the casual stuff, and he said we should talk about things btw us when I asked about his 'story'. I reminded him that I told him that we don't have time, he simply agreed.

Note to self: Screw this shit, i'm not fuckin' perfect. damn it.

* I told Jie all about it, hahahah, he feels a tad bit like a better listener, compared to aubili and ay :P haha. Wonderful guy he is, great blessings I have. 

* I simply resent the bitter feeling I get every time I ought to leave home. I'm a weirdo. Everyday I am in KL, I simply get over every day like it is, as as each day passes, it is always a day closer to home! When I'm home tho, I do the impossible and expect time to freeeeeezzzeeee, wishing for unlimited time in home. Listen to the still small voice of request in me, can i stay here forever please? 

Speaking of which, I remember back in Primary 2, how that fear just overwhelmingly took control over my thoughts and emotions, how I dreaded going back to school on a Sunday night, crying and telling my mum "Mummy, I don't want to grow up. I really really don't want to." Times have changed of course, I've grown, but recalling back I was crying my heart and soul out, gosh, reality stings/stinks real bad.

## I've got to teach my heart to get used to heartbreaks. Or rather, teach my heart that each presumed 'heartbreak' isn't a heartbreak after all, I just need to learn to leave. I always feel like I live two seperate lives. Haha. I feel like I need to learn to incorporate them together, and make it the one life that I'm living. 

I love coming home! And I'm so damn grateful to have my parents who'd love seeing me. So even if I feel like no one cares, I know that at least (as bad as it sounds) my parents do. And I gotta remember how much family weighs in my life. And coming home this time, damn, it was good cuz it's so many people's birthday!! Haha, it's great that I'm not to miss anyone's birthday. It almost felt like I never left XD

*Friday night - movie
Saturday - spa (feeeeels so daaaa amazingggg!!!), shopping, youth,  dinner, babies came in a car
Sunday - church (had so much fun!!!), home, durians, nap, supper
Monday - driving lesson, coffee bean, nap, couldn't study :(, got healthy nags, finished my then due Psych assignment and was driven by that tiny bit of motivation!
Tuesday - failed study session, out and about with ma girls to try on new frames, lunch, wo tie, fruit juice, bah kut teh!, movie, yamcha with Petz, Leong, Aaron, Daphne, Shafie.
Wednesday - Home, did a bit of law memorising, off to Jiun's pool party, home for catch-up dinner with Cedric, SK, Sanny, Jie and Aubili :)
Thursday - Could only do Maths, couldn't contain the overexcited feelings for night war >.<, Night war!
Friday - Back from Night War at 8am, effin' slept till 3pm, rotted + makan till 8pm, Maths till 12am, 'crashed' thinking abt ay at 12 am lol, up at 4 am feeling shit, here I am blogging, plan to swimstudy and eat Pan mee, go to youth, go Aaron's b'day surprise.

yamcha

Jiun's partay

 


RESOLUTION:
Be positive. Life is good, life is great. I'm ending this post with a smile, and the true feeling of gratitude of how amazing life is sinks in, despite the challenges (esp not being able to study is effin' torturing me, and that I'm gonna go through one hell of a week tryin' to finish everything up), lookin' back at this one week, Life is pretty damn good. :) So much has happened, only in the time span of one week, and it's only Saturday. :)

• I need to get kickin' on my journey with God again. I must.
• And get back on the optimistic line. XD
• I need to read, to stay intact.
• And it's okay to leave Chris, it doesn't make everything end or that the good life ends, it's just part and parcel of responsibility.
• It's not a bad thing, it's not sad. It's okay.

**

:)