...

I feel so lonely oh > . <

week

13th of July, 2013 - Forest Friends
19th of July,2013 - New Zalora tube! , Taylor's Lakeside, JFH promo, Jin and Ean!!!, STROOOBBEESSSSZZZ #, met WILLSSOONN!! :DD
20th of July, 2013 - Study sesshh with Cassy and Sha, where I didn't do much. Too tired from the night before >.< Dinner with Alvin, Rolz, Sar, Sha and Maddie. Then roti bom!
21st of July, 2013 - missed church, overslept >.<, went to 7th floor did a couple of essays, checked Zumba out, went home and took an extra looonnggg nap, dinner at the shop before Bestari
22nd of July, 2013 - college, i guess.
23rd of July, 2013 - college too, i suppose.
24th of July, 2013 - SC meeting, new members, went and bought cotton, home!
25th of July, 2013 - Burger Lab! Never ending chats withs salaos =.=
26th of July, 2013 - Cassy's birthday party! < 3
27th of July, 2013 - Home alone, The Tailor-Made Man (28th of July, 2013 - Woke up late for church again, took a cab with Sar, came home at 2.20 slept till 8-ish.

 :)

23rd of July, 2013

Dreams are a projection of the kind of life you want to lead. Dreams can drive you. Dreams can make you skip over obstacles. When you allow your dreams to pull you, they unleash a creative force that can overpower any obstacle in your path. To unleash this power, though, your dreams must be well defined. A fuzzy future has little pulling power. Well-defined dreams are not fuzzy. Wishes are fuzzy. To really achieve your dreams, to really have your future plans pull you forward, your dreams must be vivid.

You’ve got to be a dreamer. You’ve got to envision the future. You’ve got to see California while you’re climbing 14,000-foot peaks. You’ve got to see the finish line while you’re running the race. You’ve got to hear the cheers when you’re in the middle of a monster project. And you’ve got to be willing to put yourself through the paces of doing the uncomfortable until it becomes comfortable. Because that’s how you realize your dreams.

bbrrrzzzzzznnggzz

Last week was a really hectic week! Not as hectic as two weeks ago, bust still equally hectic. I don't remember much about what I did, which is a pity =.= But I basically just remember emailing my sister that super duper long email about my thoughts and feelings on Tuesday, only to hear from her on Wednesday where she dropped a bomb. That was one of the most confusing day of my life.....pffftttt. I think it was Tuesday night where Mark came over and we chatted till mignight... Hmm yep! Yeh, then wednesday was council meeting and I left early.. Then thursday was me meeting with Ms Li Sher, stayed back to deal with ECA drive day stuff, then Friday was ECA drive, Saturday was Forest Friends!!! weeee, it was really fun, then went home to my fav 7th floor, only to encounter this massive strong wind which blew the dumpster away from its original spot. I was so worried that it was gonna fly to me for a second, it felt a bit like doomsday ._. erm, then went swimming 5 laps in the rain, got up and was floating to my apartment with this headache, fried some sotong then went to aweshum dinner with hubz. returned home and forgot what I did. Oh, i remember now. Decided to go home during raya and bought super expensive air tickets, went through a roller coaster ride in buying air tix for myself and sar, then i got exhausted and didnt study then went to sleep. :( Then went to church on Sunday with sarrr, met another lawyer - Wei Chao, went for lunch, went home and took this long nap where i wasn't supposed to, then went shwimming with tasha watching me, then emailed my sister the reply and got an unexpected reply =.= it was initially one of the best days everrr. ._. theeeennnn, went home, tried to study, got sleepy while studying moral, then off to bed. Today is a monday. I ate Pan Mee. Weird. I wanna lose, but Chee Ren said that I gained weight. Took a half an hour nap, went swimming with sha and sar, to the smelly hot pool =.= then ate dinner, went online shopping (!!!!), :D:D:D, ate Chee Ren's green tea donut, drank green tea starbucks, did moral stuff - homeless to harvard, sorted out my files, can't believe that Cory Moneith is dead, i am so devastated :( and now here i am at 2:22 a.m. gonna do devotion and wake up early tomoro to study. fighting! < 3

postey

Hello world! I'm back!

So basically, on Thursday night, I teared up. And it sure felt so damn good. Actually I have just been really tired lately, just dead exhausted. And so the feelings just weighed up and was pressing against my chest, leaving me feeling suffocated and really irritated. I felt like I could blow up with just anything crossing my line, whether or not it's extreme, but yeah. Like when something small occurs and attracted my attention, I was just really annoyed in my heart but I kept the feelings to myself and I just never blew up. I've been trying to pour out my emotions in a really long time, tried a variety of methods..

Such as listening to mellow music and spaced out my thoughts (that's what I always do, and it gets me emo :S), going to church for praise and worship... Well basically that's it i suppose, but it still doesn't work. It feels kinda sakai actually, but it's true. Then the other day, I guess I was chatting with a friend, and I admitted that I feel awful awful awful, before the waterworks, and it just came out. Lulz, cuz I usually don't want to let the negative emotions take over my feelings. So yeah, although nothing bad happened, but it just felt like a heavy load was lifted off my chest and I could breathe again. The next day, I felt like my heart was beating normally, slowly, easily. Instead of my thoughts scattering everything, my heart palpitating inconsistenly.. It felt good. So thanks mates :)

*

I'm currently on the chase with Pretty Little Liars, oh shucks! And I'm just in love with Ezra now. :( sighs... A's disappearance is just one hell of an enigma, an inexplicable occurence. Whew, it just goes on forever... so enigmatic and mysterious.

#poofeelings #screwhormones

i feel like poo man.
i just feel so abominably awful.
im not sure why this happened despite today was a really good day.
i just feel like crap.
i think it's the caffeine thats working it in my body.
but who cares, i just feel like shet.
and i think im about to catch a flu, so the feeling where the sneeze feels like coming but doesnt just makes me feel like i wanna cry, but it's actually just the flu.
can't wait for the flu to invade my body, so that i can crash nicely.
i'm just so tired.
sometimes tired of trying to keep up with people, tired of initiating.
tired of not being treated like how i thought i would be.
it's not bad honestly.
sometimes i dont understand why other people get it so well.
i feel like i've done so much more, where all other people do is whine and be mean, but they get the friends.
i mean like what happened to the senses around?
screw this piece of crap.
i'm ok actually, it's just the sudden feeling that's taking over my emotions now.
sometimes i feel like going all waterworks, but it's like being repressed, it just doesnt happen.
the optimism doesn't feel that natural, it feels like im working so freaking damn hard to be optimistic, telling myself good things are bound to come.
i can't wait to have time of my own, to clear my head, sitting down, ignoring the world around me.
you know how in movies, there's this person who'd be in deep freaking thoughts, and the world just moves on without that person realizing it?
i think i need that moment now.
i don't want to be putting effort every, day, it's so tiring.
and sometimes it feels unfair, why do i put in all the effort?
why just me?
damn it.
i'm not blaming God tho, im just expressing myself.
it's like i know all the perfect sentences to each problems,
but i just feel like crap.
family has always been the refuge.
but lately i really don't want to think about her.
it's not good nor is it healthy im sorry.
but sometimes i just feel so stressed and repressed and controlled...
i just can't breath.
just give me space.
pls.
space and time.
thats all i need.

now i gotta friggin' finish my econs hw even tho i have no idea why and caffeine's stirring like a pothole in my belly where my brain is drained. pls ms Malathy, give me more time next time pls.
i just feel suffocated.

i need, to breath.

#throwback #wordstosharefrommyheart

So much to write, yet I don't know where to start.

I need to blog about my exams, my amazing rendezvous with my lovely cousins, my proud lil sissy's graduation, the next week back to the amazing home, and back to KL, my results, and how life is for now.

*****

So basically, when I stepped into home 3 days ago - 30th of June, the smell of my very first footstep onto this place came rushing back with the memories and thoughts I had back then on the 12th of January. The place was so neat and tidy, and it just reminded me of how swiftly time has damn passed. A part of me cheered that college was already at least, one-third over as I look forward to Uni life with high anticipation.
Another part of me knew that I should embrace all that's happening right now, take a chill pill.
I just feel grateful that finally, the hard part - settling in, making new friends, getting used to a completely new environment etc, has finally come down to the 'normal' level.

I chilled on the couch for half an hour, my phone rang and I chatted a hour and a half away with my best friend. I wished she would be here with me, experiencing college with me. Not only her, but also with other lovely buddies and amazing people I have back home.  I wonder how diff things would be. But that's like taking an easy way out, not entirely, but just it would be so much more fun when we experience new and foreign things like the ones I mentioned above together. :) but that's okay, it's a learning process, and I made through it, still fit in one piece, even grew sideways, so it's fine. :) tasha and sarah are great too. =)

A large part of me feels really heavy hearted that I've left my most precious part of me, to pursue further education over here in KL. Sometimes, I feel lost, and I don't even know who I am. It feels like I'm being drained, only left with skin on the outside. As I arrived KL, I felt like my doppleganger, you see me on the outside, but it's actually hollow and I don't know where my soul is, but my body just resumes its usual routines. It sounds so weird, but it's true. Sometimes, I get perplexed at why I was sent over here, not having the best of life, instead of feeling amazing  and enjoying my best friends' company back at home, where I shall excel and unleash my potential comfortably, to its fullest. It just felt so damn amazing back at home.

stuff that seemed equivalent :D

At times, I recall flashbacks of myself sitting, laughing, chatting nonchalantly during lessons in between Shiela and Wilson, behind Juliana, Daph, Nas, in front of Mak, Shafie and Tasha. I recall myself sweating my ass off due to the poor ventilation, and dozing off during BM classes (tho it's amazing) due to the monotonous presentation or due to my heavy lunch that weighed on my head as well. I recall constantly being amused by how much Shiela sleeps, and how annoyed I'd get by the genius Wilson, and recall how I was respected and loved. I believe I still am. But things are just a little different now.

how true?

Sometimes, I wish to dream of myself back in high school so that I could relive those moments again. It's ok that life has moved on, but at least, a dream, so that I could feel it again. I sound so.. desperate. Truly, when I've entered Junior One (it seems like ages ago), high school seemed never-ending.
It's just become so natural, the routine of going back home after school, reclining on the couch, binging food while flipping channels, bloat myself up, go shower, go dinner, and sit at the study table doing crap, texting, then going back to watch tv. Then prior one week or even a day before exam, I'd spam the study table, burn the midnight oil and memorize my head off and sit for the exam.
It's become such a natural routine that that was how I sat for my five years of exams.

Another one would be last year. Going home after training, feeling exhausted and drained, got my bagpack off my shoulder by the kitchen door, greet a "Hi, mum" or "Hi, Kak, mummy leh?", walking straight to the fridge, grab smth to binge, get ready to shower, dinner, and chill at the study table etc etc. The same ol' routine :)

But focusing on what life has to offer, leaving was definitely a good choice too, I suppose. Despite being homesick all the time, worrying that my friends'd move on without me, enjoying their best of lives, forgetting me by heart . . . It got me worried sick at times, but I guess I realised that my friends haven't forgotten me, and that friendship is carved by heart. Things change tho, like the quote says, "The neverchanging thing in the world, is change", but I know that these amazing people will still be there for me, just like they have been this 6 months :) and I am eternally grateful.

Education wise, it's brilliant. It's very interesting, what I'm learning. I'm loving it. Socially, it gets better I suppose. I try not to think about it, want to let it happen naturally. I wanna do devotion.

As I went for dinner with Sar on Sunday night, we decided on jotting down new resolutions for the semester.

- We want to lose weight, get fit and healthy, study hard, do devotion. I don't want to stop going to church, and I can't wait to experience God's presence again, and increasing my faith in Him. I can't wait to kick off the momentum of studying and I can't wait for life to be better. It's good, but I'm sure there's more to come. =) I'm appreciating the present tho, don't worry.

***

Someone fell for me. Fell out of love. Now I'm down, but someone has moved on.. It's tragic to be honest, a sad sad tragedy haha. :P oh well, may my time arrive soon! =) can't wait to unveil that little girl in me =)

*

I pray for good and everlasting, hopefully, health to both my lovely parents, outstanding academic results for my lovely sissy, logic sense for my brother, love to all my friends and for myself and everybody, the spirit to always be better in life. =)

love! < 3

but above all this, i wish you, love.

I'm falling in love with Leona Lewis, i think she's contagious! One has got to check her videos of live performances to get infatuated just like me. < 3 total gorge.

total love!!! =)))))

Add-Ons

Ooh and I forgot to mention something. 

Ever release Candy Crush is pretty amaze balls? I used to think of it as another mainstream games, but I think it teaches me about life as well. Believe or not lols. 

"Take a chill pill, don't worry too much abt being perfect or focusing too much attention on the 'premier' one. Just do your best, just do it."

*****

Sometimes I wish my Maths wasn't good, so that the time spent doing it wouldn't we considered wasted >.< but nah, I'm just saying.

Toodles. 

she's back.

heyy yooo. exam is seriously crazy, lol, gets into your head no worse than turning into a psychopath XD haha Cassy and Chris came over to study, filled my head with Econs and Maths yada yada yada. Haha got me goin' crazy. I'm goin for dinner with Sarah hubby soon :)) I've been spending my money everywhere lately, giving me the exam excuse. But I think I really need this stuff to keep me pumpin'!

Can't ever deny that I'm constantly missing home. Talked to daddy last night and asked him how insurance worked. I almost shed a tear as I was studying at the 7th Floor, I sure miss my dad. So much, so so so much. Basically, I miss home. I miss my mum, who supports me mentally and emotionally though she doesn't do much, but little little things sure meant a lot, and they sure go a long way. I still remember how sometimes she'd watch the tv downstairs with the tv muted, and I'd ask "why don't you watch it upstairs with the volume up?" "haha, accompany you ma" with her cheeky smile from the satisfaction derived from her tv shows. Though it didn't seem logic and that she didn't actually want to accompany me, but part of it felt true, and thinking back, that lil cheesy thing sure was cute. And I remember how I'd keep myself together, and portray a bad demeanor and study hard, and not play with my phone so much. haha. and how my mum'd randomly come and touch me on the way to the kitchen just for fun, or suddenly bring food for me. And when I said "No, I don't want food!!" (fattening) and she'd be like "just this once Chris, just once :)" cuz food she made was always gooooodddd. And how mummy'd make what I craved for, esp during exams, just with me manja-ing with her a bit here and there.

Coming over, it feels like there's a lot of things what life is about, my perception of life has changed in a whole new dimension. Sometimes, you feel like you are alone in this, like life's yours to hold. But having amazing friends and family who still love you and have your back, it's such an amazing blessing. It feels like a bonus, and I feel so so so so blessed. So thank you my loved ones! Thanks mum, dad, jie, jayne, jiun, daphne, shiela, wilson, peg, jo, xuan, seol, nas, eric, lau, cyn, vik and definitely not forgetting cassy, sar, sha, shareen, alvin etc. :) 

Oh! And almost slipped the thought of one of the main things i wanted to post about, i think i found that person. I think she's back. The wise and crazy her. I think she's back, recovered from identity crisis. Thank you daddy God, You are the best. the best the best the best the best the best. 

Anyways, I'm motivated to live life in the USA, after listening to Christmas Lights by Coldplay :)) good song! < 3 gonna eat and chill and study. can't wait to see my loved ones next week.

you can do this sh*t b*tch.

untitled

hello!! today's been a good day. went for lunch with Ms D and the team, lols :P haha. but today has been really productive, one thing is cuz I've been knowing what econs is about and sometimes i feel like a genius! :P haha. few more days till exam, and im here on the grey's crazy madness, can't wait to finish Season 8. gooshhh, I'm soo in loveeee with Sloan and Lexie :( my heart shattered to pieces when i found out what happend months ago, but now... though its happening in this episode i'm watching now, i can't feel anything. prolly it's cuz exams' been taking lots of my concentration away as well :( don't want it to end!! :((

anyway, i thank God for a lovely day with my crazy ladeehhs as well, though the soup i cooked today tasted awful. < 3

one more week to OZ in my fatty face! i feel kinda insecure to meet people actually... :( ah well :)

thank you Fiona sweetie pie :))) < 3 : 3 < 3

my turn will arrive..

daily dose of grey's.

never fails to make me feel better. never. =)

“It’s one of those things people say: ‘you can’t move on until you let go of the past.’ Letting go is the easy part, it’s the moving on that’s painful. So sometimes we fight it, trying to keep things the same. Things can’t stay the same though. At some point you just have to let go - move on. Because no matter how painful it is, it’s the only way we grow.” - Meredith Grey
Season 8 Ep 17 - The Girl With No Name

:)

back to reality

I'm fine with coming over now. :) oh and i forgot to post about the interesting convo I had with Peg, late night 'study' sessh with tash, her kadazan sup kunyit, phone call with Jiun on Saturday, and also convos with Daphne :)

Aside from all these, the uncomfy feeling towards Sc is back. I just hope it gets away soon. And i chewed on a nail while eating an apple, eww. > . < ugh, let's hope the day gets better soon. :)

lol, brainstorm failure.

Hey yow. So I've been trying to figure out a new blog domain for the past two  hours, call me freaking-crazy. Lol. =.= I should have made good use of my time. ahhh, so I'm gonna quickly finish this post.

Last Friday was Chee Ren's housewarming open house in his friggin' mansion :P, he actually gave that luxurious suite away for Alvin's sofa. haha. though, of course, I understand the odds.  :) It was a great weekend spent at Cassy's house - sleepover with Shareen. I puked on the way back to Cheras, and I thought it was one hell of an epic puke, first time puking so fast :P haha. didn't manage to study much, though that's what I'm planning to do this whole week. wanna be productive!!!

I'm deeply inspired by the book I mentioned earlier, Outliers. It teaches you so much about life, and pops the false notion that most people perceive. It just pulls my two feet onto the ground, and hit you with utmost realism. Sometimes, when you think about it, it's pretty upsetting things aren't as good as we thought, but we gotta be realistic. It's not a discouraging book that pops all your bubbles though, it teaches you how to face these circumstances in life and how to put A and B together. I haven't reached that part though, I'm just assuming :) hehe.

I don't remmeber what I want to post, so i'll be right back :) xoxo <3 br="" nbsp="">

oh and so it's june 4th now, can't believe time flew by so quickly! i just remembered a month ago where i climbed mount k so vividly :( one of the best best best best best best best times of my life. i miss home! xoxo