12th of May 2013

Just got back from Kuching, feasted like a beast, and today is the one year anniversary of 2012's Teachers' Day :) :P

I'm so screwed, I think I let my dad down. I psycho-ed myself, wrote lots of notes to self, and I'm trying to gain strength, and I know that I will be strong. I fantasized, and got all my hopes up anticipating the future. I know that I will have a bright one, new people will enter my life and paint it with a variety of colours. I can't wait to meet the people God has set up for me, and I wonder what would happen to my current state. However, I don't think I should be thinking about the future, while being oblivious and ignorant to this current life I'm living. I should embrace now, the present.

Current emotion: Heart stabbed with an arrow.

I feel kinda hurt, it aches a bit over here and there and I don't know how it will get better. I felt upset, and regretful that I'm not the person anymore, that I don't get the attention I used to get without asking, that I thought came naturally through the friendship. I feel disappointed that I'm not given much attention to anymore. I didn't know that it actually came only for priority.

I'm not the kind of person who holds grudges, and gets pissed off over little little things. Even though I am not happy, I try not to let it get on my nerves, and instead, I'd just fix the issue, and let it go. It doesn't stay as an issue. Sometimes, it hurts, when people hurt you, but it gets better when they learn their mistakes and don't repeat it again. Then, the not-getting-angry part pays off.

I am still that kind of person, and I want to remain this way. However, I don't know.. I am confused, puzzled and baffled. . . I didn't know that after taking a step back, I'd need to back off even more, expanding the distance. I don't want the distance to be enlarged. I don't know what to do now. Whether I should let it get into me or just put on the smiley face, and fall into the act of pretense. I wouldn't ponder as much in other cases, but in my preference, this is something worth pondering on, worth putting the effort in risking myself to look dumb and absurd. . I miss you pal!