Anywho, home has been lovely, it was very heartwarming, a remedy to my 'worn-out' soul. Having such long weeks before, I felt so rewarded with the idea of home at the other side of the rainbow. Felt so fortunate and blessed that I was going home after such long weeks. And little did i know, i only began to really learn the true meaning of a long week. Though journey to the airport wasn't sweet, and especially when it takes a toll on me when I make mistakes, I told myself to get over it no matter how hard it took, as time at home was precious as ever.
Boarded the night flight, I figured I wouldn't sleep though the week's been relatively taxing. And I selected the window seat so that I could catch the plane taking off. But little did I know, i dozed off before anything else, and the second consciousness hit me, was when we were already high up in the air. How unpleasant must I have looked with my head constantly hanging whilst going loose on the snooze, LOL. And as I woke up after that, joy lit my heart, and I was all smiles embracing my surrounding. The point is, home was good.
Spent the next few days doing stuff as posted previously, and attempted to stay home to do my work for a couple of days. It was a brave thought, lol. I remember, constantly finding myself just sitting there with just one thought in my head, "how is it ever possible to feel this lazy?" "i just can't.." it wasn't as saddening initially but on friday, i was already feeling under the cosh from being undproductive, then mum told me that I should manage my time properly as I was stuck at home and we couldn't hang out, go shopping already. Despite it being the truth, the same reluctant-me-to-accept-my-own-flaws heated up on the inside, wishing I was better. My head had been heavy thinking of how I was gonna fly back to responsiblities, but the tip of it all was when I got home from cell, and realied that, "oh hey, 27th of Oct seems like a significant number" it's been in my head all week, and I just thought it was the day I was returning to KL, but then there I realised I was flying back on the 25th. Then the people in the WA group started chatting up about the contract assignment, and my heart raced so quickly as I checked the date of the submission, and BAM - there goes the grenade.
i felt so helpless and worried. i could literally feel my feet turning cold as complemented with my sweaty palms. i just prayed and prayed, i think. and i packed my bags. i prayed for peace to come into my heart, so that i'll be able to get through this. usually packing the night before seems like a 'stressful' task, so that happened next. then chlo came over to write stuff, abs too, and i was glad they came, as it eased the tension for a bit. the next morning, i was all quiet and reserved. after having a great breakfast, i planned to do my work on the plane. i just prayed. i didnt get to do work on the plane, but i started after a nap as i got home.
there, then, i literally felt so helpless, with nothing to hold onto at all, felt all defeated on a bare ground before God, and I said, "God, there's no one to help me now but you alone. and i know that by my own strength, I can't do it. My flesh will fail me. I don't know how it works, and I know strength is not something tangible I can't hold onto, but God, you're all that I can depend on and just help me." "I know that you won't fail me, ever." A small part of me thought, "is this gonna work out? or is this just a painful lesson?" I didn't feel like taking the risk to then mislead it into saying that if I didn't finish, that means, God has forsaken me and failed me. I didn't like the idea of that - even though when it really happens, I know that it's not an act of God to disappoint me, but it's simply a blessing in disguise. It was a risk.
Without thinking much at all, I just prayed that prayer, holding onto it tightly in my heart, and just spaced out to focus on my work. I texted Yvonne and Jade to uphold me in their prayers, even though part of me was dubious of the manner God's gonna help me. And i don't fancy disclosing to people when I'm going on an uphill battle. But i knew that Yvo and Jade were gonna be my source of strength as well. Words of encouragement kindly flowed from them and Jade called me to pray for me. I felt terrible for missing church =. = During that time, I missed home so much, missed the good times in life, but couldn't spend any few minutes longer to dwell on the situation but rather make the best out of what's left. The mental challenge was simply, hard.
I finished Contract at about evening time, relief sub-contained me as I started on my Reflective Journal. RJ didn't seem that difficult, so all was well around 11pm. At that moment in time, I was just dumbfounded by the grace of God. So grateful that I had sufficient peace to get me through, and that all was done at 11pm with an hour spared till midnight? Gold. it's even 11.36pm now, and I barely get any time off when it's 11pm. I'm so grateful, and when it was 11pm, I managed to shower, put things away, arrange my bed and prepped for bed. God is so good.
God is so, so, so, so good. Thank You so much for everything.
*Meanwhile, uni's been well. People have been lovely. And i'm meeting my high school friends tomorrow. Life's too short for worries. And I've learnt to surrender all to God and reserve no space at all for worries. Truly, God is my strength, my refuge and fortress.
Oh and again, meanwhile, I just told my roomie that I used her fb account to play tetris before, and she told me that she minds my actions. I apologized and promised not to do it again, but i still feel so guilty and hope that it won't tarnish our friendship. Sometimes I wish I was perfect and our relationship won't undergo any trials at all, but then again, realistically speaking, nothing is perfect. And those that come out well after a trial, are those that are gonna be stronger than ever. Right now is the testing period I suppose. I just feel terrible since this is such a heavy bet. However, I've done my part and I can only pray that may God intervene and let God work the rest.
* Am so in love with this. Stumbled upon it one day doing devotion - Saturday morning?
Be anxious for nothing, but.. Let your requests be made known to God;
And the peace of God... will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus
- Phillipians 4:6-7Amen.
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