(Your peace is...) overwhelming me...

 my anxiety is overwhelming me...

is this (gonna) be.... forever?

 need. 

to. 

cry........

 i feel the weight of my mistakes, inadequacies.. so personally.. so deeply........

is this normal?

choppy waters

 "(i think...) you need to be brave...

you need to have courage, 

to make mistakes.

you are so young,

it's harder to have courage when you're older.

i can't change her - her upbringing was as such,

but you're different, you went to the UK,

you need to learn to think and speak up."

*deep sighs

I think what happened is more serious than what it seems on the face of it. While I think we both know that no employee is perfect, her wrath is palpable on Day 1. Though it did seem like she tried to mitigate it by striking casual convos abt Tokyo at the day's end. Then the long heavy conversation came on Day 2. And i continue to feel the weight of the disappointment, day in day out since then.. *sighs

I feel deeply embroiled in her wrath.

instantly or perpetually, i keep returning to this place where I'm tempted to blame my parents for this.

why did they not arrest it at its earlist tell-tales,

and allow these insecuritise to manifest at places of work where they shouldn't.

why did they not arrest it at Home - these mistakes are meant to be made / contained during childhood/teenhood at home... so they will be arrested, dealt with so they won't surface at work / professional settings... into the society.

i try to imagine the permutation of the aftermath had it happened at home...

parents would probably be mad at me. but i suppose what i'm relinquished off is the shame that comes with failures. they still ought to feed me, love me, care for me, i still wake up the next day their child under their roof, and i try again.

here, my shame reeks everywhere...

my boss is not legally literally or in any way subject to an obligation to nurture, to teach, to care for my emotions along the way..

she's entitled to feel disappointed at a job badly done,and enforce judgment in the form of letting dismissal because i, in substance, failed to honour my part of the bargain.

we're lawyers - an eye for an eye, quid pro quo, arm's length.... we are a team, we're not family...

how do i go on from here?

whilst i'm still basking in my pool of shame, a part of me has peace that I'm finally dealing with this insecurity / fear head on. it's so hard. but i have a small hope that, from this season onwards, that I may be set free from this... forever.

I came cross the news of Dave Hollis' passing today.. So devastating. The start of his tribute in this article introduced him as the author of "Built Through Courage: Face Your Fears to Live the Life You Were Meant For". Suddenly, this title speaks so personally on a different level, to me.

I certainly crave for a fresh start.

I wish.. I could walk away, with my shame. Call it quits. Then start afresh somewhere else. Where my dirty linen is not known. Perhaps, the liberty of a fresh start can be my catharsis. I also keep returning to the thought that "Had i not stayed this long, my dirty parts wouldnt surface." I've had this thought for a while... "had i left earlier, i could avoid the risk of stepping on someone's toes that comes in any/all relationships given enough time".

My devotion today says God is a God of second chances.

While I feel like an absolute failure as if I'm the only person this could happen to, I struggle to believe the title that's supposedly meant to speak to every one of us as if failure is really no stranger to any of us. I struggle... to believe.... that anyone could be worse than me. But i find grace in that God loves, despite me.

Yesterday was a story in fresh starts too [ TBC on this]

"bcuz of what happened, it caused a lot of tension in our working relationship"

ytd's devotions was on "restored relationships" [TBC] - Lord, I pray for a restored relationship with my boss.. as much as we think it doesn't get personal, it does get personal...

I wish I was better.. I wish I was perfect.. though I know, I know...

Oh, what's the reason for this season? *sighs

- Lord, help / have your way in me -

depr?

 I used to not be able to appreciate how depression could be a long-term "journey".

I rmb how shocked I was the first time I heard of this suggestion. A pastor shared that his wife has depression and in his ministry, he had inadvertently neglected his wife's needs and/or overlooked that his wife was still going through this journey. I remember someone said that she accepted that she had depression and it's just something she has to go through and deal with. It was the first time I learnt that depression could be a long term struggle, rather than an "illness" that would just go away upon being medicated upon. I didnt know until then that it was not a one-off episode. My shock then as a naive college student was on many levels! firstly, I didn't know that even pastors/people related/close to them could have their "lot"! second is of course is that depression could be such a long............ journey.... 

brb

 

G&G

"Some feelings are like old familiar friends. Depression's like that for me. When I'm not in it, I don't remember it. I remember it's bad. I remember the darkness, but it's... different to feel it again. It's the difference between remembering what a room looks like and actually walking through the door. Being inside it again. Feeling it. When the episode starts, it can be slow at first. An intrusive thought, "I don't wanna be here," but then it's gone. You bat it away like a fly or a bad smell. When it hits you fully though, when you're really in it, it's everything. It's who you are, you're nothing else. On the outside, you look the same, smiling and pretending is so much work, but inside, it's a different story. You start to hate yourself. You're so alone, so unbelievably alone. And you can be with someone you love, but you're not really with them. We think we know what's going on with other people, but we don't. You never really know what's going on inside someone else's head. Everyone's fighting a battle you can't see. We all have blind spots."

"It’s not Ginny. I love Ginny. She’s the only thing that makes me happy. That’s the problem. No one person should be responsible for your happiness. That’s not fair."

Dream!

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”
*

Dreams are such a powerful source of motivation. 

Dreams... and purpose.

Yesterday I was reminded that far beyond our daily in/outs, there's a purpose to our lives. That no matter what happens, God can use our experiences for the advancement of His purpose for our lives. 

I read that Nicki Gumbel was set to leave his law firm for Bible school, yet uncannily the school did not have a vacancy for him. His law firm which accepted his return 'begrudgingly' was not very happy with his return knowing his half-heartedness. He later did a stint at HTB and the rest is history...

Extrapolating from that sharing, I'm reminded that I'm beyond what I do every day, that there is more... that where I am is a moving piece on the great big chessboard orchestrated by the Great Master Chess Player. I felt more hopeful in my seemingly excruciating mundane situation. 

*

I glanced from my friend's IG story of the New York Times. Suddenly I feel alive to the possibility that my life is full of wild possibilities, still. A part of me felt, man! Wouldn't I loveee to be a journalist. But here I am at my seemingly difficult position. But I need to trust that God is good, and faithful, and purposeful. That I'm not out of His purpose/plans/hands.

*

I'm also mindful that life is meant to be full of challenges... So i am not to shy away from them, nor be disheartened in the midst of them. I want to step up in faith, that God is not just close to me in this challenging season, but that He's with me every step of the way even now, that He's my prince of peace, and He will conquer my battles with me and for me - just as He often time did when the Israelites would go to war in 1 Kings - the battle was always His, He always threw the victory line, He always guided, spoke, directed, He always caused the enemies to go havoc... We need only obey and go fight. Lord, I pray that I will experience a breakthrough, with you by my side. May this be a testimony in the making.

My goal is to grow to know the Lord more intimately this year, as my personal refuge, Counsellor, Father, Prince of Peace, my Fighter and my best friend. I love you, Lord! 

*

I pray 28 will be the best year yet - come what may.

shucks

Another night.. 

Where anxiety feels nothing less than menacing..

This wave of familiar nostalgia..

*sighs

After 4-5 years… 

…. 

how long more

Is this forever 

How do I fight 

What needs to be different

…

Running to my source yet again

Another somewhat familiar trail of events 

thoughts post-XX//

 i think the issue is, 

whether each of the young adult is being discipled.

its not abt the numbers, nor the ocassional testimonies.

but if we're all being (actively) refined into His image on a daily basis.

otherwise,

what is the point...

we all attend parties in search of that smth..

but some go home feeling less "fulfilled" than ideal expectations.

the dream is we create a community that is edifying 

to all who cross our paths

are we edifyin?

how do we get there?

can we be a community that rises above the waves to surf and rescue those crumbling under the waves

can we in active wrestle of our difficulties actively lean on and engage with our God who is greater and attend parties with great faith and intention to be less-aware of us yet fixated on more (if not, All) of Him and reach, the One...

// no prayers for me, cuz im upset series...

midnight thoughts 18/12

 i awake at 7.30

i get ready

i rush off to church

i converse with amanda

ellie tries to catch me for lunch (luls)

i eat lunch

i head home 

i unload at 3pm

i rest till 5pm

i get ready

i squeeze in greetings with the folks with the drive on the way pretty filled with guilt & slight anxiety

i head to dinner

i leave at 1030

my head hits the bed at 1130

i send my belated birthday appreciation msgs 

my eyes rush to shut by the end of it

my phone vibrates next to me night lamp minutes later

i struggle to arise

"i am so... tired"

*vibrates

"i am so... limited"

*sighs

-blackout-

 as the clock strikes 6 & the main room around my corner is empty, the usual me'd prolly be scrambling to leave asap. my thoughts toyed with going for a sun-up evening run (for the 1st time in forever!), i was even open to running with my phone in palm with wired earphones. but i resigned to remaining in place - cuz leavin' isnt gonna change anything, it'll add to tomorrow's stress and feelings of hopelessness. as i got up to search through my cabinets checking off the next thing on my list, i figured, "i've tried this + 'happiness' / life outside of work, but it didn't work. so now i have to do this + not do the other." this is, it. it is how it is... 

no room for both?

 i was handed a mic to (help) express myself, cuz I'm told to be too rigid.... in many many words but ofc i knew what was said from the get go, i nodded in agreement.

i wondered if i was never good at much cuz growing up instead of focusing on learning the skill, i've always spent too much attention on making sure im socially accepted. i had a brief recount, and looked back at pri sch, sec sch, college, uni.. most of my attn was always spent on wondering if was (sufficiently) socially accepted. has that been the opportunity cost paid in exchange for ... hollow skills?

I'm not where I'm supposed to be... 

I'm not where I thought I'd be...

I'm not where I wished I'd be... 

how's your day?

 9/4/2022

I went to pick dad up for my favorite breakfast! Dad made some comments which irritated me but not enough for a blow-up. We enjoyed the meal, and ordered an extra in case mum wants it. We continue with our day. Dad drives me to pick up cake for a birthday lunch celebration. We discuss gas station + toilet + pharmacy + drop me off schedule to fit around our next summon - to pick mum up for her next whim. We manage to fit toilet in + dropping me off and parted ways for the day. 

I went to work, puked some, grabbed to dinner. My dad has my power bank, and my phone battery is hm, not the best. I turn on flight mode to conserve battery for my ride home after dinner. 

Midway through dinner, I figured I could contact parents in case they're around to pick me up for home. Or rather, they could call me in case anything happens ! I disabled flight mode, and received a text of 2 missed calls. I called back immediately to no reply. I turn on flight mode again. All this with scaterrbrain attention as I was engrossed at dinner. Then I remembered again and disabled flight mode, received another text of 2 missed calls. This time while dialing dad, I read a WhatsApp report from dad to say he's back in the hotel. I was relieved. And on the phone, dad answers, "We are back in the hotel. The car is here. Do you want to come and grab the car?" "No, I'm at dinner." "You can come and take the car tonight if you want" "No need, tomorrow is ok" "Ok, tomorrow morning I can go pick you or you can come take the car if you want" curtly "Ok". "Ok, we had hokkien mee earlier.." "Ok" "with uncle Leonard and all.. it was good......" *waits for him to finish....."So.... how was your day?" *chuckles "i talk to you tomorrow la!!" "Huh? How was your day?" "I talk to you tomorrow la! Im seeing you tomorrow right?" "Ya.." "Yup ok, bye" "Ok, bye".

10/4/2022

Dad picks me up with front seat empty. I wonder where mum is, but concluded that it did not make sense given mum's notorious random whims which we've gotten used to. I open the backseat door, gaspeed at my mum. I opened the front seat door, "i didn't see mum there! was just wondering where she is" she was covered by the window shades. "You managed to enter?" "Yes la, i just told the guard pickup, then they let me in" I settle in the seat. "So...... *peeks left whilst driving* how was your day?"

*chuckle

"it was good. i had lunch and dinner. urs?"

"okla.. we went dinner........." etc etc.

Jobs

Zachary Levi:

"My job on my set, I believe, is to first just love people and gain that trust with people where they know that I really do love them and care about their well-being, so that when they are running into problems, they will hopefully, at some point, come to me and ask me, 'What is your peace all about? What is your comfort all about? Where do you get your love? Where do you get your talents?' And I can turn to them and say without blinking, 'Jesus Christ.'"

https://relevantmagazine.com/culture/2830-qaa-with-zachary-levi/