Control - Part 2

-- zzzzz.. finally doing this after procrastinating for hours :P --

P.S. Don't mind the messy look! :P I legit woke up like this, & had flu today :(

This is a continuation of my previous post "Control" where I talked about relinquishing stress, worries, anxieties over things that I cannot control. I referred specifically to my skin condition. As free-spirited as I truly was when I wrote that post, what took place the next few days/week felt super hypocritical.

In that post, I truly felt free and I took pride in it hence bringing it to a blog post, as it was an achievement personally to not allow my skin to dictate my sense of worth and identity. However, to my greatest surprise myself, I fell into that very "battle" that I had boasted in conquering. I had an emotional breakdown which I believe was the result of subconsiously suppressed emotions over time.

Little by little, my self-esteem was challenged along with the condition of my skin. I felt so constricted and limited by my skin condition whenever I speak to someone. I found it hard to converse confidently with my head up high, whilst spreading a generous smile ever so genuinely. I wanted to project what I felt in my heart, joy/happiness/excitement in meeting people, doing/sharing life with people, but my skin condition had constantly convinced me time after time that I could do away that instance, & perhaps I could just do it another time.

What pulled the trigger was when my parents suddenly paused longer than usual when talking to me, whilst scrutinising my face, then suggested me to consult my dermatologist. I was super agitated then because I just dreaded the feeling where I had to go back to square one - and decide again, if I should see the doctor or just give it up.

The breakdown transpired during a conversation with a close friend when I wanted to rant about other issues, where she pointed out that the low emotions I had been feeling/accumulating had been results of my own overthinking & that I had been plagued with negativity. Her comment would have proven brash due to my hypersensitive personality, but strangely, it was somewhat liberating and at that instance, I felt my toxic virtual reality bubble pop, my burdens lifted, I was lightweight & I could suddenly breathe again.

A few days later, as dumbfounded as I felt due to the contradiction of emotions as opposed to what I was supposed to feel, I realised that what unfolded wasn't merely the ranting about my physical problems I had no control over. But that it was my heart problem being shed to light, coming out from the bottom. I realise that the real problem had been unleashing fully through how I looked at life, my attitude towards the circumstances surrounding my life. It really wasn't just about my skin.

Recalling it today, I was feeling slightly embarassed at my ugly outburst of emotions, but then I felt in my heart, "It gets worse before it gets better". There was peace, & I took comfort that my wound (of insecurities) was being sprinkled with salt. & I'm glad I had confronted the real problem. It can only get better from here on.

Despite my ignorance and oblivion in my little bubble, where I wasn't tuned into God's channel, interestingly, God still spoke to me in the least of my expectations, at places where I wouldn't think He'd show up - through my close friend's seemingly "brash" comment in the midst of a heated conversation. - "You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good." Genesis 50:20 - & I find it interesting that it wasn't a one off lesson then through the singular comment, but the lesson is still ongoing when God spoke today. I thank God for continuously speaking in spite of my oblivion... Indeed, "he who began a good work in us will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phil 1:6) 

He will finish it.

DA FTW

Oh grandmama, how would we do without your wits?

Dunkirk

Dunkirk, you got me on the edge the whole time & you also made me smile. :) :) thank you for such a fascinating experience, Mr Nolan. (cinematography was amazing, though your ocean experience got me edgy a lot also due to my "fear" of the waters) (& Harry Styles, boy you so charming)

Recent few years, I've picked up an affinity towards war movies! It always full on captivates my entire attention. Sometimes I'd hate to check my phone in between just cuz I don't want reality to break me away from the war experience hehe. It's almost 10/10 feel so inspired after watching a war movie, but I always don't know what to do with the inspiration. :P :( help...

Anyway, as I watched today, I wondered & thought many things. Would I be able to do what they do if I lived in that era? How would I feel? Would I persevere on and persistently fight for my life, or will I "concede to God's death timing"? Why must people go to war? Why kill one when another is saving another? I feel so relieved and grateful that we're past that era, and grateful at the same time that I could have a taste of what it could be like then through these movies.

Another favourite movie to add to my favourite war movie list (together with Hacksaw Ridge [AHH!!!] & Schindler's List).

Control - Part 1

S K I N 

My skin hasn't been very encouraging for the past one year. It has always been an area of concern ever since puberty hit me when I was 15. There's been good and bad days, the cycle continues to fluctuate, even until today. You might think one may get used to it, or have mastered the art behind it now, but guess what, I am still learning & experimenting (as much as I hate to say so). My skin is not very straightforward - it has been difficult for me to conceive a clear equation with regards to factors like hormones, stress, period, diet, sleep, dirt, products, allergy, genetics, weather etc... I never really understand it.

Throughout the years, my "subtle/silent/staple" skin has subconsciously played a very LOUD (prominent) role in defining my self-esteem. I realise how dependent my confidence is based on my skin condition - either based on my own perception, or based on other people's comments. When people don't comment, my perception can be so crucial in setting my tone for the day. e.g. one morning when I wash my face, i may feel that it's smooth, & it rejuvenates my energy instantly! but it may all come crashing down if I discover many bumps that aren't visible before probing. I'd take a deep breath, then walk away, feeling quite sorry for myself. Sometimes, I don't even realize my deliberate act of adapting this mentality. It's such a shame to admit that perhaps I may have gotten used to it. It's so familiar that I forget that it's wrong.

Throughout the years, I have spent a fortune trying plenty of skincare products of various brands. My skincare changes when my skin fails to improve as promised despite always employing a usual grace period of at least 3months to each brand, during which I'd go all out to use the entire range of products, wishing that my skin would strike that perfect chemistry the brand advocates. I went for so many facial sessions even since middle high school - some were pleasant and therapeutic, some were just painful and I'd have to bear my "battle scars" with me for weeks. This series of practices continued until almost 3 years back when I decided to consult a dermatologist. I was so excited!!! because I had witnessed positive testimonies from a few friends. 

So I started the doctor's course of acne treatment that supposedly made my skin very dry. The improvement started to appear more significantly 6mths-1year after treatment. Then for the first half of last year, my skin was at its prime! I don't remember feeling really ecstatic then, but now thinking back, I remember how I barely thought of (or worried about) my skin then. (Praise the Lord! With all that the things I had on my plate, looking back, I can't imagine if I could handle my self-esteem being further challenged by my skin condition!!) Around the same time when my skin was awesome, I coincidentally ran out of medicine and my prescription. I thought perhaps I could ditch my medicine now that my skin has healed, and I can go back to being normal. 3 months later, small bumps invaded my forehead before bigger bumps started to appear on my cheeks. I was preparing to go to UK then. I renewed my prescription, & was so disappointed when my dermatologist told me "because your treatment was put to a stop abruptly, you have to restart your treatment." Boy, was I crushed! Prior to finishing my meds, I was on a 1 pill per 2 weeks basis, & the dermatologist suggested me to go back on a 1 pill per 2-3 days. That just means more money, more time, more unnatural remedies that controls my hormones, more impact on my liver, more time I need to be aware that I shouldn't get pregnant because my current biological condition would be harmful to the baby (hypothetically). Despite renwing my prescription, during my time in the UK, I can barely remember a day when I can confidently step out and not be conscious about my skin. (I have recently finished my medication & have yet to renew it, because I wish to resort to more natural remedies.)But as of today, I'm so grateful for makeup! It does not heal my skin, in fact, it could aggravate it. I try my best not to wear it when I can, but otherwise, it has served me well to get me through my days. 

Anyway, I'm not trying to recommend anyone to resort to makeup as a solution to problematic skin. My point is, there are so many things in life that can be out of our control. & in my case, it's something as crucial/basic/simple/natural as my skin. Sometimes, we may not understand why certain things happen to us, why are we put in certain conditions/circumstances, we may feel certain things are totally uncalled for. We may feel that we do not deserve certain things at all, but I think that that doesn't relieve us from dealing with it properly while we seek to understand along the way. I used to feel so much more discouraged about my skin. But over the years, I'm glad to say that I have made more peace with it and it doesn't bother me as much as before anymore. I thank God that my skin doesn't define me, as much as my thoughts like me to think so. I also thank God, that there's something to learn from every experience - & for me, it's learning to be OK with not being OK. This is not a complacency call, but a call for peace so that our joy is not robbed as life continues to go on despite our insecurities. 

I am praying that God will heal my skin, so that I do not have to worry nor spend a fortune on something that's beyond my control. It hasn't been fulfilled yet, at least not physically. But I do admit that, it's been much easier for me to let go after I deliberately surrendered it to God despite it sounding like an unrealistic thought to begin with. Peace did not come immediately, but it came eventually, & I find myself happier today. :)

P.S. I've always wanted to write a post about my skin, but never gotten around to do it. So here goes! xx

time.

4 July 2016

Christ in my weakness..

I did not have the capability to do Law school;

Nor the capacity to do Law school;

(I kid you not.)

But God, You did it.

Lol, yet You did it again.

I shouldn't even be surprised. 

I tried to run away so many times,

But you really did it, 

& You've taken me through.
-
Jesus replied, "What is impossible with man is possible with God." 

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power/strength is made perfect in your weakness." 
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me.

& this chapter has come to an end, 

(despite all the wrestling & the not being able 

to see myself through this path), 

it actually did.

I pack my bags, & move again. & only God knows what's next for me.

xoxo.

[s e a s o n o f : acceptance.]

21 going on 22.

bittersweet.

my heart is so full.

never had i thought that my Reading chapter would end this way.

this ending means so much to me, more than words could ever say. i can’t even put a finger to it right now, but I’m so thankful that my law school chapter concluded this way. so much I have taken away from being a uni student... it feels that things have ended on a bright/right note, not too much, not less, so much so that it feels a lil too good to be true. gosh we humans are such complex beings. 

till the next time when i’ve figured things out better & can find the right words to express my sentiments...

parting is such sweet sorrow; 
what a privilege it is to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. xx 

#blessed #TQJ

xx.

I love Volleyball. 🏐

I told you so!

xx

I would have lost heart, 

unless I had believed 

that I would see the 

goodness of the Lord 

in the land of the living. 

Wait on the Lord,

 Be of good courage, 

& He shall strengthen your heart. 

Wait, I say, on the Lord! 

Psalm 28:13-14

of hustle & bustle

Today, I am feeling very, grateful for an overseas education. (my parents didn't even have a chance to go to a good school.) I'm very grateful, to be entitled as a student, to demand the best education experience in my uni. Kudos to those who fought to emphasize the importance of education in our world. (I am here also because of you.)

Today I feel, rather determined and motivated to embrace my time in school. As much as I often dread: school/exams, feeling like a lost kid,  dancing around in this cloud of uncertainty, always wrestling between the idea of finding more & keep trying new things, or the idea of "adult-ifying" myself, psych myself to get my shiz together, & start focusing or settle - as I enjoyed my lil library excursion, I'm grateful that I have another year of studies to look forward to, to making things right (if not better), to be a better student, another year to allow myself the entitlement of a child.

The reality of life, adulthood recently visited my thoughts, as it also daunted on me the fleeting of my youth. Being 22 (21 going 22), suddenly, being "mature" at a young age no longer feels so exciting, because my youth will be gone in a split second, then from that second on, we will always be plagued with expectations of behaving as an adult, to behave rationally and responsibly. People will start to be less forgiving towards our 'little' mistakes and wantonness.

I'm grateful that I have another "solid year", while I enjoy the hybrid of student+adult life, to have room for making mistakes still.

Annabelle shared with me an article yesterday,

“I am always worried. I overthink situations in my head, even those that have not happened yet. I look so far ahead of me..." 

"Sometimes, I wish I can fast-forward my life to the day when my story is better, and when my world is bigger. Somehow I am more focused in looking at the things that I don’t have instead of appreciating the things that I have. I compare my journey to someone else’s journey...."

Although the essence of the article should have sunk in & educated me yesterday, today I still write this post in anticipation of the day when I do my Bar school (where I intend to grow & be better). :P

(cont of article) "I compare my journey to someone else’s journey, while neglecting the truth that I have a different route in life to take. I keep thinking that I’m behind. I keep choosing to be blind to notice the blessings You’ve been showering me with. I keep forgetting to let go.”

So as my feelings are enjoyable today, I'm still only halfway living in the present and other half waiting to be met by my future. I pray that as my uni life draws to an end, God, You teach me and help me to fully live in the present, to let go and be okay with not knowing everything, and let your grace surprise me day by day.

*

Annabelle shared with me another great stuff today! (isn't she great?!?!)

this video has brought about lots of sentiments, it's so personal. 

I hope it encourages you too. :)

p.s. though my life isn't as exciting as per the secular definition of "excitement" (e.g. scuba diving or Europe country-hopping all the time) thereby not conferring those substances in my blog posts, these blog posts are the rawest and most honest depiction of my everyday life. 

It's mostly filled with a lot of personal thoughts and emotions, that "makes up the texture of my life".  by now, you would know that I have A LOT (truckload) of thoughts, and many of them (my blog content) don't even arise out of "extraordinary" events/activities (e.g. parties, travelling to another country, trying something new), but more from the in-between moments which continue to shape my character, my values and my identity. 

My point is.... thanks for sticking around & coming on this journey with me! :)

(though speaking of which, I really should get on with trying something new!! eek!!)

Cheers!! xx

Thy Will

was caught off guard when I heard this play on Spotify, how the lyrics sounded so familiar... enjoy~!

Aloha

been missing Maths and high school a lot...

-

I just want to let go of everything,
& just be happy.

Author of my life.

CONFIDENCE.

HAPPINESS.

It’s funny how my "greatest" ambitions and desires are often conceived during the exam season. I often find myself highly motivated, inspired and empowered, to want to take my life up to a higher level. I often get a rather clear view of my life as a big picture, of where I am, where I'd like to be. This big picture perspective is refreshing. It's familiar, yet not a common scene in my head in my everyday ordinary. 

Perhaps not "conceived", but rather "reminded". All of a sudden, in my supposedly deprived state where my mind is rather forbidden to wander but stay 100% (or 60% - let's be real) focused, I feel a refreshing sense of empowerment and drive to use what I have in my hands, to fulfil what is in my heart. It's exhilarating and so tempting, as I anticipate to further build/enhance my identity, & discover more of what sets me free.

I suppose, as I strip away other distractions/commitments/engagements/trying to figure out life, & intend to stay committed to one thing, it incidentally gives me the opportunity to spend time to get reacquainted with my raw self too.

As I was reminded again yesterday, I was determined to pen it down because I realised I tend to forget them when exams are over, only to find myself returning to this place of familiarity of unachieved dreams & desires clouding over me, again some time in the future. Haha, then I'd get exasperated, & go "Oh shucks, i really want to do this, but I really can't do it/anything now.."

Yesterday I felt a tinge of confidence revitalizing my veins. I now look forward to doing the Bar, that I heard has many exams and deadlines all year long, but am excited because I really need that training of consistency, discipline and excellence in my life. I look forward to going to a new place not knowing anyone, yet being honest, real, open & learning, if not straightaway embrace the season of meeting new people, letting go of control, & let life happen on its own course - whilst playing an active role of discovery and exploration of new things, instead of a passive role of constantly trying to make sense of things..

I really want to learn the guitar!!!

I'd like to do something different again, that relinquishes control from myself, to be inspired, and humbled again. (e.g. go to a camp where I know no one, meet new people & exercise being comfortable in my own skin) (I desired this too even in 2013, 2014, 2015 etc... always happens when I blog during exam time :P) (speaking of which, I tend to blog more during exams lol)

I want to learn to be comfortable in my own skin.

I want to grow to be able to inspire women/young girls out there.

I suppose that's it for now! 

I have been constantly reminded of God's goodness and faithfulness in these recent few days through a retrospective glance, a round trip perspective. Looking back, I suddenly recognized God's hands in me and my family's life, that's brought us to where we are now. Looking back, there were many many many, innumerable, scenes where I find myself lost, confused, not doing good enough and constantly questioned myself & my being & my purpose. I remember constantly imposing on God a deadline to give me an answer I needed at every (most, maybe) crossroad e.g. asking God to give me a clear answer by 4/4, cuz that's when I'm expected to respond to my BPTC offer. Yet, looking back, it certainly looks like the ideal holistic plan, that's woven and knitted together perfectly, & everything seems to make sense - not just about my own life, but with my family's as well. Suddenly, I recognized God's hands even in the ordinary, 'small', casual little decisions, (e.g. making a quick & easy decision to attend Bloom - to hear from YB Hannah - to decide to try internship, was't like a "BIG BIG" decision - to find myself longing to serve my country in my lifetime) instead of God responding during the "big" moments - e.g. deciding for college/uni/bar. I’m grateful that despite living unknowingly, God still persistently continuously gives us opportunities to employ faith, the chance to keep sowing/investing into a greater future with Him, not just me but my whole family as well - even when we don’t realize it, or don’t acknowledge Him, or still stubborn in our own ways. Gosh, He remains faithful & ever so loving.

A wave of comfort flooded through me, as I realized again, that God exists beyond time and space. And looking back, God's plan is really perfect and works holistically.. That my timing isn't His. And He'd stop time for me, if He really needs to. 

For the moments I felt super lost and uncertain of, I was still led into stepping into His plan, even without me (or anyone at all) knowing. e.g. going to KL to do my A-Levels & first 2 years of uni. This time has brought me and my family, so, so much closer. My dad and mum were both sick at some points in their lives to which I'm glad I was nearby in KL. This KL experience has also grown our relationship with my brother too. A big part of the growth of relationship between me and my hdad is also made up by me driving him for work, & how this started can be attributed to just a young teen who just got her license, & is eager to drive everywhere, but can only drive under parents’ supervision (how amusing, subtle, sneaky yet immaculate plan God has). Had it not been for the rough patches in uni, I probably wouldn't have given Acts an opportunity big enough to touch my life, & a quick example, I wouldn't have attended Bloom - did internship with YB - & discover a "calling" or a greater purpose in my identity.

God's just being God man.

Looking back, I had no idea at all that anything I was going to do then, would make any sense in my future, super unsure and unconfident that they would generate interests landing me pots of gold in the future. 

Really, only God knows what this law degree is going to do for me (correction, for Him) in due time. (gosh, I miss Maths soooo much!!! *cries* the more I study, the more I miss Maths haha)

Two takeaways from all this: 

1) we can either can give credits to the Big Man up there who orchestrates things in our lives immaculately for His purpose, for the good things in our lives, for our blessings, or we can regard the good things in our lives as a product of plentiful coincidences, or “luck” - but if we do that, we miss out on God’s hand & intervention in our lives.

2) when we choose to trust God with our lives, He is already directing our paths, paving ways, step by step, in fulfilling His purpose for us. We’re just probably young, lost, confused and just can’t see it, & think we’re too smart & cause ourselves to believe that God’s not working in our lives. (by “us” & “we”, i really just mean “me”/”I” :P)

“You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; & you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls.” (1 Pet 1:8-9)

P.S. Am totally digging this series by Pktfuel! (I love their series in general, but especially love this) The first time I did this series on this topic spoke to my heart, it was so profound, such compelling truth. I’m happy and grateful to be reminded of it again this week.  https://www.pktfuel.com/everyday-ordinary/ 

Anyway, so much for a short update. But gotta go off before I go too far off now! Till the next time, xx.

So much to be thankful for.

keep going on =)

Rainer Maria Rilke wrote: 

“So you must not be frightened if a sadness rises up before you larger than any you have ever seen; if a restiveness, like light and cloudshadows, passes over your hands and over all you do. You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any miseries, or any depressions? For after all, you do not know what work these conditions are doing inside you.”