Christ in my weakness..

I did not have the capability to do Law school;

Nor the capacity to do Law school;

(I kid you not.)

But God, You did it.

Lol, yet You did it again.

I shouldn't even be surprised. 

I tried to run away so many times,

But you really did it, 

& You've taken me through.
-
Jesus replied, "What is impossible with man is possible with God." 

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power/strength is made perfect in your weakness." 
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me.

& this chapter has come to an end, 

(despite all the wrestling & the not being able 

to see myself through this path), 

it actually did.

I pack my bags, & move again. & only God knows what's next for me.

xoxo.

[s e a s o n o f : acceptance.]

21 going on 22.

bittersweet.

my heart is so full.

never had i thought that my Reading chapter would end this way.

this ending means so much to me, more than words could ever say. i can’t even put a finger to it right now, but I’m so thankful that my law school chapter concluded this way. so much I have taken away from being a uni student... it feels that things have ended on a bright/right note, not too much, not less, so much so that it feels a lil too good to be true. gosh we humans are such complex beings. 

till the next time when i’ve figured things out better & can find the right words to express my sentiments...

parting is such sweet sorrow; 
what a privilege it is to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. xx 

#blessed #TQJ

xx.

I love Volleyball. 🏐

I told you so!

xx

I would have lost heart, 

unless I had believed 

that I would see the 

goodness of the Lord 

in the land of the living. 

Wait on the Lord,

 Be of good courage, 

& He shall strengthen your heart. 

Wait, I say, on the Lord! 

Psalm 28:13-14

of hustle & bustle

Today, I am feeling very, grateful for an overseas education. (my parents didn't even have a chance to go to a good school.) I'm very grateful, to be entitled as a student, to demand the best education experience in my uni. Kudos to those who fought to emphasize the importance of education in our world. (I am here also because of you.)

Today I feel, rather determined and motivated to embrace my time in school. As much as I often dread: school/exams, feeling like a lost kid,  dancing around in this cloud of uncertainty, always wrestling between the idea of finding more & keep trying new things, or the idea of "adult-ifying" myself, psych myself to get my shiz together, & start focusing or settle - as I enjoyed my lil library excursion, I'm grateful that I have another year of studies to look forward to, to making things right (if not better), to be a better student, another year to allow myself the entitlement of a child.

The reality of life, adulthood recently visited my thoughts, as it also daunted on me the fleeting of my youth. Being 22 (21 going 22), suddenly, being "mature" at a young age no longer feels so exciting, because my youth will be gone in a split second, then from that second on, we will always be plagued with expectations of behaving as an adult, to behave rationally and responsibly. People will start to be less forgiving towards our 'little' mistakes and wantonness.

I'm grateful that I have another "solid year", while I enjoy the hybrid of student+adult life, to have room for making mistakes still.

Annabelle shared with me an article yesterday,

“I am always worried. I overthink situations in my head, even those that have not happened yet. I look so far ahead of me..." 

"Sometimes, I wish I can fast-forward my life to the day when my story is better, and when my world is bigger. Somehow I am more focused in looking at the things that I don’t have instead of appreciating the things that I have. I compare my journey to someone else’s journey...."

Although the essence of the article should have sunk in & educated me yesterday, today I still write this post in anticipation of the day when I do my Bar school (where I intend to grow & be better). :P

(cont of article) "I compare my journey to someone else’s journey, while neglecting the truth that I have a different route in life to take. I keep thinking that I’m behind. I keep choosing to be blind to notice the blessings You’ve been showering me with. I keep forgetting to let go.”

So as my feelings are enjoyable today, I'm still only halfway living in the present and other half waiting to be met by my future. I pray that as my uni life draws to an end, God, You teach me and help me to fully live in the present, to let go and be okay with not knowing everything, and let your grace surprise me day by day.

*

Annabelle shared with me another great stuff today! (isn't she great?!?!)

this video has brought about lots of sentiments, it's so personal. 

I hope it encourages you too. :)

p.s. though my life isn't as exciting as per the secular definition of "excitement" (e.g. scuba diving or Europe country-hopping all the time) thereby not conferring those substances in my blog posts, these blog posts are the rawest and most honest depiction of my everyday life. 

It's mostly filled with a lot of personal thoughts and emotions, that "makes up the texture of my life".  by now, you would know that I have A LOT (truckload) of thoughts, and many of them (my blog content) don't even arise out of "extraordinary" events/activities (e.g. parties, travelling to another country, trying something new), but more from the in-between moments which continue to shape my character, my values and my identity. 

My point is.... thanks for sticking around & coming on this journey with me! :)

(though speaking of which, I really should get on with trying something new!! eek!!)

Cheers!! xx

Thy Will

was caught off guard when I heard this play on Spotify, how the lyrics sounded so familiar... enjoy~!

Aloha

been missing Maths and high school a lot...

-

I just want to let go of everything,
& just be happy.

Author of my life.

CONFIDENCE.

HAPPINESS.

It’s funny how my "greatest" ambitions and desires are often conceived during the exam season. I often find myself highly motivated, inspired and empowered, to want to take my life up to a higher level. I often get a rather clear view of my life as a big picture, of where I am, where I'd like to be. This big picture perspective is refreshing. It's familiar, yet not a common scene in my head in my everyday ordinary. 

Perhaps not "conceived", but rather "reminded". All of a sudden, in my supposedly deprived state where my mind is rather forbidden to wander but stay 100% (or 60% - let's be real) focused, I feel a refreshing sense of empowerment and drive to use what I have in my hands, to fulfil what is in my heart. It's exhilarating and so tempting, as I anticipate to further build/enhance my identity, & discover more of what sets me free.

I suppose, as I strip away other distractions/commitments/engagements/trying to figure out life, & intend to stay committed to one thing, it incidentally gives me the opportunity to spend time to get reacquainted with my raw self too.

As I was reminded again yesterday, I was determined to pen it down because I realised I tend to forget them when exams are over, only to find myself returning to this place of familiarity of unachieved dreams & desires clouding over me, again some time in the future. Haha, then I'd get exasperated, & go "Oh shucks, i really want to do this, but I really can't do it/anything now.."

Yesterday I felt a tinge of confidence revitalizing my veins. I now look forward to doing the Bar, that I heard has many exams and deadlines all year long, but am excited because I really need that training of consistency, discipline and excellence in my life. I look forward to going to a new place not knowing anyone, yet being honest, real, open & learning, if not straightaway embrace the season of meeting new people, letting go of control, & let life happen on its own course - whilst playing an active role of discovery and exploration of new things, instead of a passive role of constantly trying to make sense of things..

I really want to learn the guitar!!!

I'd like to do something different again, that relinquishes control from myself, to be inspired, and humbled again. (e.g. go to a camp where I know no one, meet new people & exercise being comfortable in my own skin) (I desired this too even in 2013, 2014, 2015 etc... always happens when I blog during exam time :P) (speaking of which, I tend to blog more during exams lol)

I want to learn to be comfortable in my own skin.

I want to grow to be able to inspire women/young girls out there.

I suppose that's it for now! 

I have been constantly reminded of God's goodness and faithfulness in these recent few days through a retrospective glance, a round trip perspective. Looking back, I suddenly recognized God's hands in me and my family's life, that's brought us to where we are now. Looking back, there were many many many, innumerable, scenes where I find myself lost, confused, not doing good enough and constantly questioned myself & my being & my purpose. I remember constantly imposing on God a deadline to give me an answer I needed at every (most, maybe) crossroad e.g. asking God to give me a clear answer by 4/4, cuz that's when I'm expected to respond to my BPTC offer. Yet, looking back, it certainly looks like the ideal holistic plan, that's woven and knitted together perfectly, & everything seems to make sense - not just about my own life, but with my family's as well. Suddenly, I recognized God's hands even in the ordinary, 'small', casual little decisions, (e.g. making a quick & easy decision to attend Bloom - to hear from YB Hannah - to decide to try internship, was't like a "BIG BIG" decision - to find myself longing to serve my country in my lifetime) instead of God responding during the "big" moments - e.g. deciding for college/uni/bar. I’m grateful that despite living unknowingly, God still persistently continuously gives us opportunities to employ faith, the chance to keep sowing/investing into a greater future with Him, not just me but my whole family as well - even when we don’t realize it, or don’t acknowledge Him, or still stubborn in our own ways. Gosh, He remains faithful & ever so loving.

A wave of comfort flooded through me, as I realized again, that God exists beyond time and space. And looking back, God's plan is really perfect and works holistically.. That my timing isn't His. And He'd stop time for me, if He really needs to. 

For the moments I felt super lost and uncertain of, I was still led into stepping into His plan, even without me (or anyone at all) knowing. e.g. going to KL to do my A-Levels & first 2 years of uni. This time has brought me and my family, so, so much closer. My dad and mum were both sick at some points in their lives to which I'm glad I was nearby in KL. This KL experience has also grown our relationship with my brother too. A big part of the growth of relationship between me and my hdad is also made up by me driving him for work, & how this started can be attributed to just a young teen who just got her license, & is eager to drive everywhere, but can only drive under parents’ supervision (how amusing, subtle, sneaky yet immaculate plan God has). Had it not been for the rough patches in uni, I probably wouldn't have given Acts an opportunity big enough to touch my life, & a quick example, I wouldn't have attended Bloom - did internship with YB - & discover a "calling" or a greater purpose in my identity.

God's just being God man.

Looking back, I had no idea at all that anything I was going to do then, would make any sense in my future, super unsure and unconfident that they would generate interests landing me pots of gold in the future. 

Really, only God knows what this law degree is going to do for me (correction, for Him) in due time. (gosh, I miss Maths soooo much!!! *cries* the more I study, the more I miss Maths haha)

Two takeaways from all this: 

1) we can either can give credits to the Big Man up there who orchestrates things in our lives immaculately for His purpose, for the good things in our lives, for our blessings, or we can regard the good things in our lives as a product of plentiful coincidences, or “luck” - but if we do that, we miss out on God’s hand & intervention in our lives.

2) when we choose to trust God with our lives, He is already directing our paths, paving ways, step by step, in fulfilling His purpose for us. We’re just probably young, lost, confused and just can’t see it, & think we’re too smart & cause ourselves to believe that God’s not working in our lives. (by “us” & “we”, i really just mean “me”/”I” :P)

“You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; & you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls.” (1 Pet 1:8-9)

P.S. Am totally digging this series by Pktfuel! (I love their series in general, but especially love this) The first time I did this series on this topic spoke to my heart, it was so profound, such compelling truth. I’m happy and grateful to be reminded of it again this week.  https://www.pktfuel.com/everyday-ordinary/ 

Anyway, so much for a short update. But gotta go off before I go too far off now! Till the next time, xx.

So much to be thankful for.

keep going on =)

Rainer Maria Rilke wrote: 

“So you must not be frightened if a sadness rises up before you larger than any you have ever seen; if a restiveness, like light and cloudshadows, passes over your hands and over all you do. You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any miseries, or any depressions? For after all, you do not know what work these conditions are doing inside you.”

beautiful people - Natalie

Thank you for blessing me once and again, 

& for highlighting my Reading journey. 

:)

Heart of worship.

As I was casually scrolling through videos to fill the silence in my room while I run some chores, I stumbled upon this. I was gonna leave this page, but I wasn't quick enough - just as the 2nd/3rd person started singing, I broke into tears & it compelled me to finish watching the video.

[I'm not usually like this, at least not without some 'pre-empting' - I wondered myself if it was that time of the month, I hadn't been very emotional prior to this. I had just finished eating an orange & was about to make coffee. Totally uncalled for, if you will! :p]

Before these thoughts could distract me further, I was completely captivated by how the singers were worshipping our God, (my God) - there seemed to be no barriers, there appeared direct access to an open heaven that was pouring out on earth, to God's precious children, who each individually feel as crowned & entitled & special as I do; to those of different nationalities, yet God is our common factor; although we don't know each other, & we probably could never reach a mature & intimate friendship, yet, the truth is what brings & holds us together, and causes His people to worship this God, as if we're all the same, as if we're all part of the same family worshipping our Father. There's union & intimacy in this presence... no fear, just love & reverence. Suddenly it all just makes sense. (where we are, what we do, what we live for...)

We're all equally & each individually crazy precious, each a diamond/ruby, to our God.
Sometimes I already feel SUPER GREAT because God has SO MUCH LOVE for me, that I can't even contain it! & I'd be really secure (esp in my insecure times) - because I know God's Love credit is still so bountiful & abundant, there's always ENOUGH, if not more, for me to fall back on. The thought of that would simply pump life back into me, & I'd be so empowered again knowing that I've got the greatest superpowers ever, that I'm bigger than life.

Can you imagine, how many more people who actually feels (or is capable to feel) this way?
How many more, if not everybody else.
Wow, my God is so, great.

Watching this video really moved my heart. I was reminded again about the core of our living as people of earth, & that the truth is the truth everywhere. It moved me again, as it broke the pre-conceived stereotypes that are attached to each country/nationality, that God transcends beyond language, governance, culture... that we're all made for Him.

- "To an Unknown God" - 

"He is the God who made the world and everything in it. Since he is Lord of heaven and earth, he doesn't live in man-made temples, and human hands can't serve his needs - for he has no needs. He himself gives life and breath to everything, and he satisfied every need.

His purpose was for the nations to seek after God, and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him - though he is not far from any one of us.

For in him, we live and move and exist. 
'We are his offspring'."

- Acts 17:24-28

Faith, Hope, Love - The greatest of this is love.

Even if you are faithless, He still loves you.

I'm still in Your hands.

sunrise today! my phone doesn't do it justice!

I am scared, yes.

But I thank God that I can place my hope in Jesus.

& that His mercies are new every morning.

"Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed,

Because His compassions fail not,

They are new every morning; 

Great is Your faithfulness"

(Lamentations 3:22-23)

My first love...

guess which one? ;)

Bloom 🌻

Even as we escort the coming of Spring (& bid the cold [& ocassionally bitter]  winter farewell), I'd like to share one of my favourite videos. I haven't seen this video in a while (prolly a year or so), but I never cease to be awestruck watching & embracing this video. Where flowers bloom & grow, I thought, how is it possible to not believe there's a God out there, who's created all this vast, heavenly beauty where pure humans, are simply incapable of?

In the midst of our day, why not pause for a couple of seconds & look up, stare into the skies that display (or scream!!) of His craftsmanship, soak in all of its beauty & its (undeniable) greatness. Be reminded that we're still in His hands, that all things work for the good of those who love Him. As you breathe in the vastness of the glorious skies, let it fill your heart, let Him love you.