diamonds

yes & no

“Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone.

The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.” 

Lin Yutang

the gift.

This is insane.
I hope it blesses your life,
Just as it did mine...

 

child, be still & know.

Today, I was greeted by this beautiful and captivating view embracing UWE. Gosh, what a beautiful university. Couldn't hold back my admiration for its beauty. My mind went blank, all skepticism fled, & really I had nothing to say except marvel in this beauty. 

A verse then popped into my head. "Taste & see that the Lord is good..." I couldn't finish the verse :P I googled it, & it continued with "blessed is the one who take refuge in Him." (Psalm 34:8)

Amen. 

It felt a little like a slap in the face (obviously not slap, God wouldn't do that :P) just thinking about the fit I threw yesterday, how I felt that God wasn't with me, I couldn't feel his coverage, so plagued by fear, anxiety, worry... I was so distracted by skepticism despite being certain of my salvation in my heart/head, & albeit I searched & sought & sought to immerse myself in Bible verses trying to find hold God account to His promises. I was so upset when peace didn't come as instantly as I wished it would. 

This morning, I woke up. After the Actors Session, I felt so much better. I knew that time would heal.

After class today, as I walked back to my accommodation, upon stumbling upon this view, I couldn't find any cell in me that could defy God's goodness. I was comforted as I acknowledged the second half of the verse, "blessed are those who take refuge in Him," Something whispered in my heart, "You are blessed, Belle." Then I'm reminded by Jade's encouragement, "You're too blessed to be stressed!"

Then in my heart I couldn't stop thinking "Great is Your faithfulness". 

I was tempted to be skeptical as to whether this was God's way of speaking to me, but there's really no denying God's wonderful creation. There's nothing else I could say or think or bring myself to say, but just say that "God is good." It is evidently palpable through His creations. Psalms 19:1 "The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands." My human being is just puny & purely incapable to not fall into worship. I so enjoyed my little alone walk with perfect weather today, I wish it could've lasted forever... 

So, guys, next time when you're upset, don't stay in your room & be moody about it okay? You must get out at least, let nature embrace you, let His wondrous works do the talking & comforting. You're bound to feel better, I promise**

I am comforted, albeit also embarrassed. 

But above all, I'm so thankful.

Thankful for all that's been happening. :)

(Thankful for such heartwarming text convos with mum & A. Eve today)

Thank You Lord. :)

*gotta make space for quietness, & let Him speak. I should prolly do this everyday, go outside, sit for a bit, & enjoy His wondrous works - especially in a beautiful country with PERFECT weather!!! hehe.

retrospective sense

"Now that you've finished your year in Reading, if you could go back knowing how it'd be, what would you change?"

I actually miss it so much.

I'd take more chill pills, enjoy my sleeps more instead of feeling stressed/guilty about it. I'd enjoy my sleepings, then wake up, make food, & go to library to study. 

I'd say Yes when I want to, No when I want to, and be happy, and move on..... > to enjoying my sleep :P

I'd stress less, & just go on with whatever I've decided :) (e.g. going to Acts London for instance)

So: more chill pills, enjoying everything I do, don't stress when I sleep. :D 

:3

Food for Soul //

[my chickensoup]

Had the privilege to visit KL over last weekend.
My trip was so fruitful & fulfilling, my heart is so full. (but never enough)
Thinking back, I catch myself smiling hehe.

Started off with a quiet Thursday night - albeit quiet, but so precious. God knows how much the luxury of alone time without any obligations for one night alone means to me! Then escalated to a CRAZY weekend filled with back-to-back meetups. I loved every bit of it! Also met up with some Reading peeps which I didn't manage to take photo with.

Joycelyn's 20th birthday in AM/PM! :) SO happy to meet HOMIES!

Acts London-ers in Acts Subang :)

Acts London-ers in Acts Subang :)

Also was extremely privileged to meet Aunty Evelynn & her mum-in-law, a meeting planned out of nowhere, courtesy of Ps Yoong. Her zeal for the Lord is crazily bubbling over every cell of her being, you can't miss it not a chance! She gifted me her book that I just finished today. Heart is full from catching a glimpse of her full onz drama life, as she relays endless stories of her walk with God that's caused her life to be SO FULL. I have so much I can learn from her.

-

KL has been made the home of my heart over the last year of my 3.5years there. It's uncanny how I can enter KL hating it, yet leave loving it to the extent of being heartbroken :( I miss it everyday, I miss the people, I miss church, I miss the generous opportunities Taylor's actually offers. As dreadful and angry as I was to uproot and leave, I knew I couldn't stay - Eccles 3:1 For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. - Being able to visit KL truly felt like coming home. It's uncanny because everything'd feel so familiar, yet 1 year has changed, some things remain the same, some things have drastically changed - e.g. I saw a lady I met last year, she looks the same yet now she has a baby at home!!!! :O

It feels quite surreal that the short weekend has come and gone, but I'm ever so thankful for everything. For the friendships which were strengthened and lasted, for new ones that's been forged, for glimpses of faces I've caught, for lessons to be learned. Also, uber thankful for Amanda for granting me the ideal (if not best!) accommodation to complement my plans seamlessly. :D

-

*God I don't know what's in it for me in the next year, but I pray that You're with me in my every single step, that You never ever leave me & forsake me, that only Your will be accomplished, that Your grace is sufficient always, that your peace guide me unceasingly, that I will be courageous like Joshua, that your perfect love casts out ALL fear & anxieties & worries, that You will use me in furtherance of your kingdom.

-

*Ending this post with a mission - how to love my mama more hmmm. Toodles~!

Control - Part 2

-- zzzzz.. finally doing this after procrastinating for hours :P --

P.S. Don't mind the messy look! :P I legit woke up like this, & had flu today :(

This is a continuation of my previous post "Control" where I talked about relinquishing stress, worries, anxieties over things that I cannot control. I referred specifically to my skin condition. As free-spirited as I truly was when I wrote that post, what took place the next few days/week felt super hypocritical.

In that post, I truly felt free and I took pride in it hence bringing it to a blog post, as it was an achievement personally to not allow my skin to dictate my sense of worth and identity. However, to my greatest surprise myself, I fell into that very "battle" that I had boasted in conquering. I had an emotional breakdown which I believe was the result of subconsiously suppressed emotions over time.

Little by little, my self-esteem was challenged along with the condition of my skin. I felt so constricted and limited by my skin condition whenever I speak to someone. I found it hard to converse confidently with my head up high, whilst spreading a generous smile ever so genuinely. I wanted to project what I felt in my heart, joy/happiness/excitement in meeting people, doing/sharing life with people, but my skin condition had constantly convinced me time after time that I could do away that instance, & perhaps I could just do it another time.

What pulled the trigger was when my parents suddenly paused longer than usual when talking to me, whilst scrutinising my face, then suggested me to consult my dermatologist. I was super agitated then because I just dreaded the feeling where I had to go back to square one - and decide again, if I should see the doctor or just give it up.

The breakdown transpired during a conversation with a close friend when I wanted to rant about other issues, where she pointed out that the low emotions I had been feeling/accumulating had been results of my own overthinking & that I had been plagued with negativity. Her comment would have proven brash due to my hypersensitive personality, but strangely, it was somewhat liberating and at that instance, I felt my toxic virtual reality bubble pop, my burdens lifted, I was lightweight & I could suddenly breathe again.

A few days later, as dumbfounded as I felt due to the contradiction of emotions as opposed to what I was supposed to feel, I realised that what unfolded wasn't merely the ranting about my physical problems I had no control over. But that it was my heart problem being shed to light, coming out from the bottom. I realise that the real problem had been unleashing fully through how I looked at life, my attitude towards the circumstances surrounding my life. It really wasn't just about my skin.

Recalling it today, I was feeling slightly embarassed at my ugly outburst of emotions, but then I felt in my heart, "It gets worse before it gets better". There was peace, & I took comfort that my wound (of insecurities) was being sprinkled with salt. & I'm glad I had confronted the real problem. It can only get better from here on.

Despite my ignorance and oblivion in my little bubble, where I wasn't tuned into God's channel, interestingly, God still spoke to me in the least of my expectations, at places where I wouldn't think He'd show up - through my close friend's seemingly "brash" comment in the midst of a heated conversation. - "You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good." Genesis 50:20 - & I find it interesting that it wasn't a one off lesson then through the singular comment, but the lesson is still ongoing when God spoke today. I thank God for continuously speaking in spite of my oblivion... Indeed, "he who began a good work in us will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phil 1:6) 

He will finish it.

DA FTW

Oh grandmama, how would we do without your wits?

Dunkirk

Dunkirk, you got me on the edge the whole time & you also made me smile. :) :) thank you for such a fascinating experience, Mr Nolan. (cinematography was amazing, though your ocean experience got me edgy a lot also due to my "fear" of the waters) (& Harry Styles, boy you so charming)

Recent few years, I've picked up an affinity towards war movies! It always full on captivates my entire attention. Sometimes I'd hate to check my phone in between just cuz I don't want reality to break me away from the war experience hehe. It's almost 10/10 feel so inspired after watching a war movie, but I always don't know what to do with the inspiration. :P :( help...

Anyway, as I watched today, I wondered & thought many things. Would I be able to do what they do if I lived in that era? How would I feel? Would I persevere on and persistently fight for my life, or will I "concede to God's death timing"? Why must people go to war? Why kill one when another is saving another? I feel so relieved and grateful that we're past that era, and grateful at the same time that I could have a taste of what it could be like then through these movies.

Another favourite movie to add to my favourite war movie list (together with Hacksaw Ridge [AHH!!!] & Schindler's List).

Control - Part 1

S K I N 

My skin hasn't been very encouraging for the past one year. It has always been an area of concern ever since puberty hit me when I was 15. There's been good and bad days, the cycle continues to fluctuate, even until today. You might think one may get used to it, or have mastered the art behind it now, but guess what, I am still learning & experimenting (as much as I hate to say so). My skin is not very straightforward - it has been difficult for me to conceive a clear equation with regards to factors like hormones, stress, period, diet, sleep, dirt, products, allergy, genetics, weather etc... I never really understand it.

Throughout the years, my "subtle/silent/staple" skin has subconsciously played a very LOUD (prominent) role in defining my self-esteem. I realise how dependent my confidence is based on my skin condition - either based on my own perception, or based on other people's comments. When people don't comment, my perception can be so crucial in setting my tone for the day. e.g. one morning when I wash my face, i may feel that it's smooth, & it rejuvenates my energy instantly! but it may all come crashing down if I discover many bumps that aren't visible before probing. I'd take a deep breath, then walk away, feeling quite sorry for myself. Sometimes, I don't even realize my deliberate act of adapting this mentality. It's such a shame to admit that perhaps I may have gotten used to it. It's so familiar that I forget that it's wrong.

Throughout the years, I have spent a fortune trying plenty of skincare products of various brands. My skincare changes when my skin fails to improve as promised despite always employing a usual grace period of at least 3months to each brand, during which I'd go all out to use the entire range of products, wishing that my skin would strike that perfect chemistry the brand advocates. I went for so many facial sessions even since middle high school - some were pleasant and therapeutic, some were just painful and I'd have to bear my "battle scars" with me for weeks. This series of practices continued until almost 3 years back when I decided to consult a dermatologist. I was so excited!!! because I had witnessed positive testimonies from a few friends. 

So I started the doctor's course of acne treatment that supposedly made my skin very dry. The improvement started to appear more significantly 6mths-1year after treatment. Then for the first half of last year, my skin was at its prime! I don't remember feeling really ecstatic then, but now thinking back, I remember how I barely thought of (or worried about) my skin then. (Praise the Lord! With all that the things I had on my plate, looking back, I can't imagine if I could handle my self-esteem being further challenged by my skin condition!!) Around the same time when my skin was awesome, I coincidentally ran out of medicine and my prescription. I thought perhaps I could ditch my medicine now that my skin has healed, and I can go back to being normal. 3 months later, small bumps invaded my forehead before bigger bumps started to appear on my cheeks. I was preparing to go to UK then. I renewed my prescription, & was so disappointed when my dermatologist told me "because your treatment was put to a stop abruptly, you have to restart your treatment." Boy, was I crushed! Prior to finishing my meds, I was on a 1 pill per 2 weeks basis, & the dermatologist suggested me to go back on a 1 pill per 2-3 days. That just means more money, more time, more unnatural remedies that controls my hormones, more impact on my liver, more time I need to be aware that I shouldn't get pregnant because my current biological condition would be harmful to the baby (hypothetically). Despite renwing my prescription, during my time in the UK, I can barely remember a day when I can confidently step out and not be conscious about my skin. (I have recently finished my medication & have yet to renew it, because I wish to resort to more natural remedies.)But as of today, I'm so grateful for makeup! It does not heal my skin, in fact, it could aggravate it. I try my best not to wear it when I can, but otherwise, it has served me well to get me through my days. 

Anyway, I'm not trying to recommend anyone to resort to makeup as a solution to problematic skin. My point is, there are so many things in life that can be out of our control. & in my case, it's something as crucial/basic/simple/natural as my skin. Sometimes, we may not understand why certain things happen to us, why are we put in certain conditions/circumstances, we may feel certain things are totally uncalled for. We may feel that we do not deserve certain things at all, but I think that that doesn't relieve us from dealing with it properly while we seek to understand along the way. I used to feel so much more discouraged about my skin. But over the years, I'm glad to say that I have made more peace with it and it doesn't bother me as much as before anymore. I thank God that my skin doesn't define me, as much as my thoughts like me to think so. I also thank God, that there's something to learn from every experience - & for me, it's learning to be OK with not being OK. This is not a complacency call, but a call for peace so that our joy is not robbed as life continues to go on despite our insecurities. 

I am praying that God will heal my skin, so that I do not have to worry nor spend a fortune on something that's beyond my control. It hasn't been fulfilled yet, at least not physically. But I do admit that, it's been much easier for me to let go after I deliberately surrendered it to God despite it sounding like an unrealistic thought to begin with. Peace did not come immediately, but it came eventually, & I find myself happier today. :)

P.S. I've always wanted to write a post about my skin, but never gotten around to do it. So here goes! xx

time.

4 July 2016

Christ in my weakness..

I did not have the capability to do Law school;

Nor the capacity to do Law school;

(I kid you not.)

But God, You did it.

Lol, yet You did it again.

I shouldn't even be surprised. 

I tried to run away so many times,

But you really did it, 

& You've taken me through.
-
Jesus replied, "What is impossible with man is possible with God." 

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power/strength is made perfect in your weakness." 
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me.

& this chapter has come to an end, 

(despite all the wrestling & the not being able 

to see myself through this path), 

it actually did.

I pack my bags, & move again. & only God knows what's next for me.

xoxo.

[s e a s o n o f : acceptance.]

21 going on 22.

bittersweet.

my heart is so full.

never had i thought that my Reading chapter would end this way.

this ending means so much to me, more than words could ever say. i can’t even put a finger to it right now, but I’m so thankful that my law school chapter concluded this way. so much I have taken away from being a uni student... it feels that things have ended on a bright/right note, not too much, not less, so much so that it feels a lil too good to be true. gosh we humans are such complex beings. 

till the next time when i’ve figured things out better & can find the right words to express my sentiments...

parting is such sweet sorrow; 
what a privilege it is to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. xx 

#blessed #TQJ

xx.