I am on a journey of fine-tuning, or sharpening rather, my senses in identifying God's presence in my life. As I journal today, I approach the pages with many burdens in my heart, part of it even bitterness as I grow frustrated in my walk with God where I impatiently wait for His power to unveil before my human eyes. My lack of patience has taken the better of me and brewed bitterness deep down in my heart. I realize this when I compelled myself to pen down my thoughts, and I realize I am repeating the same questions, burdens and issues as I already did before.
I also wrote about my Saturday spent in church where my heart was so full throughout, where I kept wanting more and I never wanted that day to end. (That day = the feeling, the presence rather...) As I continued on the details of my day/height of my emotions, the stark irony hit me - how was I to question/doubt His presence, when all I'm writing about is the manifestation of His presence?
In hindsight, after letting everything (my thoughts and my words) sink in for the past hour now, I realize the importance of reflection. Not just in a memory recording kind of way, but through pouring out purely before God. Each word, cry, bit of honesty is a step closer to reconciling heaven's perspective with my reality/circumstance.
I wrote this, "God, I need You to be more real in my life. I need to encounter You, I need to know it's You, I need to be able to recognize You with confidence. I do not want to go about my day, feeling all that I feel, shedding tears here and there, being awestruck and fascinated by the different snippets of my day, consumed in conversations that discuss cries of desperation for Your fresh touch, experiencing interactions that are heartfelt and warm my heart to its core, hearing Your community being a support to one another which blesses my heart.... I do not want to feel all this, yet still feel that the big question of Your reality in my heart unanswered."
After writing it down, it then hit me, God's presence has been manifesting ALL around me. God's presence is not just with me, in my heart where it tugs at the strings of my emotions, it manifests through conversations, through the tears in someone else's eyes as I ask, "Actually, have you accepted Christ before?" during a casual and "off-setting" conversation over refreshments, through the laughters and forehead creases as different ones discuss the dilemmas they face in their every other day over dinner, through the tears in someone else's eyes where I proclaim and declare the truth that "God loves you and wants to have a relationship with you" although I did not feel a certain"fire" in my bones that straight says GOD but mere excitement in my heart that was fighting to jump off my chest, through the passionate serving of others in His house, through people lifting their hands during worship as they immerse in the fullness of the "atmosphere", through the hugs and "how are you's?"...
I couldn't put two and two together because I was so stuck up in my thinking that God keeps leaving my questions unanswered. I was rigid and inflexible. I end up causing myself to be bitter... If only I would keep my heart open constantly and not be so stubborn with my own views. My head knows that God is good, but I had let my emotions get the better of me although I am fully aware of the falsehood of how emotions can become.
Jenn Johnson says that when we go about our days and we feel strongly about certain things in our hearts, or when we suddenly feel sad or burdened or we abruptly weep as we pass by a homeless person "without reason" during a fun and happy day, we ought to sit down and ask God, "What are You trying to say to me?"
Today, I wrote in my journal, "Father, why is it that I always feel these little nudges where my face turn'd constipated and I'd wanna cry, but when I get there (face constipated) my tear glands tease me, sometimes the tap opens and it flows, but sometimes the nudge just ends awkwardly and idk how to feel. But then it'd come back again after a while, and the cycle'd repeat itself."
"Why is it that I'd sometimes feel so strongly towards different things throughout my day, yet it's not like a build-up to where I receive a grand revelation from You in relation to those moments; then sometimes it'd feel like the thoughts that come with the emotions are left hanging as they're put to a pause & I continue with my day & they fade away into my day... But then some days it'd come back, or my tear glands go all icky again every now and then... It's as if it's a normal part of life which I'd come to accept."
I feel God saying that, when I react (consciously or subconsciously) to things around me, that's His heart beating in mine, and I have been feeling fragments of His emotions towards things around me, towards people whom He so loves...
My head may not understand it, but that is Him breaking my heart for what breaks His... That's me seeing the world through His eyes, feeling what He feels, catching a glimpse of His heart each time.
*Here are some videos which are very close to my heart. I first heard of "Adventure with the Holy Spirit" some years back, with Jenn's personality and her story of practising with the HS standing out in my memory. Recently, it's been ringing in my head, I'm so glad I looked it up again to include it here.
I was so glad when the first video ended and this second video was the suggested video. Its headline aptly reflects something I've been desiring to hear and learn more about. I am also tremendously blessed by it.
This song captivated my the first time I heard it.
Let this song be my prayer...
enjoy~
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