Friday, August 30
Wednesday, May 29
Today, the wrestle with anxiety, is, fierce.
The spirit of anxiety, is so, oppressive, as it threatens to keep me separated from the liberation and freedom of my God, and keep me loomed in the dark as if light was nowhere to be found, all buried and overshadowed by the overwhelming darkness.
I may have been fooled once, which resulted in me falling on my knees and forehead on the floor, tears hesistantly flowing due to the tension between desperate hope and fear clouded with menacing skepticism, begging for God to perform a miracle just to liberate me from the suffocation of the moment, only to pick myself back up with my own strength, wiping the tears that barely flowed from my face, and felt as if I was cheated of my core belief system all these years throughout my existence.
But I shall not be fooled again. Even as I went through the motion, I was nowhere close to thinking that my God doesn't exist. (praise God for that). It felt oppressive still, but more like I knew I was going through a motion, I knew it'd pass, I knew I had to do something about it, I even had a wishful thinking of living life separate from my emotions - because I knew / know, that my emotions don't define my experience, nor me. I looked forward to doing devotion after my shower (albeit endless sidetracks/manifestations of anxiety coping mechanism), because I knew that it meant war, and it'd be combatted for sure, notwithstanding my emotions. I was yearning for a breakthrough and deep down was actually curious and highly inquisitive and anticipative as to how God was gonna take me through this tumultuous journey this time around. I had thoughts of victory as I conquer this fight in the days to come and when my experience becomes relevant and supportive of another person's. I really wanted to sleep to shut my mind so that it'd stop thinking or project self-harming thoughts, but I knew I shouldn't resort to the same method of escapism which I inadvertently committed myself with before. A part of me dreaded seeing the cliche verses or quotes on Instagram as the anxious millennial mind took over me and I scrolled endlessly for something yet for nothing at the same time.
I finally brought myself out of bed and randomly opening my blog again. I read the old stuff, felt inspired and lol, ridiciously jealous of the seemingly 'ardent' journey I went on previously. I so automatically compared my current state of mind / spirituality and wondered, "Dang, what happened to you?", immediately I thought again, "man, I can't believe you became one of them - who looked back retrospectively from the future, and wondered what and how it happened... You became one of them," I truly wondered in genuine fear whether I'd be able to "revert" to the ways, mind and heart of old again. In the same moment, I even managed to bring myself to grieve over this loss that I thought I was experiencing.
Yet, another part of me, faintly smiled with pursed lips on the inside knowing that because God is faithful, good and consistent (unlike me), my current journey is not condemning, shameful or worthless, to say the least. I can only rise higher than my current spiral of chaos, rise higher into bridging that gap between heaven and earth. I can only grow deeper into knowing and being acquinted with what His grace, love, sustenance means all over again. It reminds me of what Dr Vinod shared at homes and what Eld Ken Yiak shared before, "God challenges you only for more of His heart, never less."
As such, I have hope as I go through this season.
At one point of tonight, my mind brought me back to a picture of Israel that I literally, stepped foot on, and somewhat I felt a hint of this unspeakable subtle joy as well as peace, being assured that my God is real. If He chose Israel / the Israelites, and Israel 24/7 screams of His supernaturality and speechless beauty, as I shared my takeaway then, I know that the same good, God who planned for Jesus to die for us on the cross in Israel so that we can have free access to Him, is the same God wherever we are, same God for Malaysia, for this little space I'm inhabiting where it sometimes, seems impossible to reconcile God with (wearing this inferior and developing-Asian-world mentality :P). The thought of that gives me joy, hope, and peace. And surpassing peace - that reaffirms my truth and conviction, that God is real and is with me in that (and this) very moment.
xx "Coincidentally", I've also been hearing the Red Sea miracle recurringly over the past few days / weeks. Yesterday, I shared with some friends and family the passage I came across that morning, Psalm 77 where David laments and cries, wondering if God has chosen to turn His back against Him.. Yet the passage continues with David, in spite of going through that motion of defeated and broken mentality, being persuaded by the memory of God's miracle in the past. One of the examples David raised, was God's parting of the Red Sea, where God said himself, "Your path is through the great waters; where no man has seen, and the footprints of God were not visible," I don't fully understand the last part about the footprints of God, but the rest of the verse just spoke earthquakes into the mountains inside my heart.
Today, as I felt so vividly in my brain and even in the express thought of, "Wow.. today, I think today.. is when I can firmly admit that I struggle with anxiety...." Man, anxiety is so threatening, oppressive and crippling. But right after that thought, another thought sought to reconcile the Red Sea principle, "What if this 'anxiety' is your Red Sea, and God is leading you to it, into it, and then He'll create and carve a way out from within the anxiety itself and part the Red Seas for you," "Perhaps God is helping you to overcome it by leading you in and through it, facing it head-on..."
Though I still wore my constipated face on the outside, I let out a sigh of "fear" and mild relief at the same time that God is working. I used to attribute challenges to lack of devotion, until I learnt that challenges are never far from the "devoted", perhaps even close sometimes, if not certainly inevitable, right after you have an encounter with Jesus. That the challenge comes to threaten your growth with the intention of suppressing it.
I did ask for more of God, perhaps this is the challenge after the encounter., the one step closer..
The spirit of anxiety, is so, oppressive, as it threatens to keep me separated from the liberation and freedom of my God, and keep me loomed in the dark as if light was nowhere to be found, all buried and overshadowed by the overwhelming darkness.
I may have been fooled once, which resulted in me falling on my knees and forehead on the floor, tears hesistantly flowing due to the tension between desperate hope and fear clouded with menacing skepticism, begging for God to perform a miracle just to liberate me from the suffocation of the moment, only to pick myself back up with my own strength, wiping the tears that barely flowed from my face, and felt as if I was cheated of my core belief system all these years throughout my existence.
But I shall not be fooled again. Even as I went through the motion, I was nowhere close to thinking that my God doesn't exist. (praise God for that). It felt oppressive still, but more like I knew I was going through a motion, I knew it'd pass, I knew I had to do something about it, I even had a wishful thinking of living life separate from my emotions - because I knew / know, that my emotions don't define my experience, nor me. I looked forward to doing devotion after my shower (albeit endless sidetracks/manifestations of anxiety coping mechanism), because I knew that it meant war, and it'd be combatted for sure, notwithstanding my emotions. I was yearning for a breakthrough and deep down was actually curious and highly inquisitive and anticipative as to how God was gonna take me through this tumultuous journey this time around. I had thoughts of victory as I conquer this fight in the days to come and when my experience becomes relevant and supportive of another person's. I really wanted to sleep to shut my mind so that it'd stop thinking or project self-harming thoughts, but I knew I shouldn't resort to the same method of escapism which I inadvertently committed myself with before. A part of me dreaded seeing the cliche verses or quotes on Instagram as the anxious millennial mind took over me and I scrolled endlessly for something yet for nothing at the same time.
I finally brought myself out of bed and randomly opening my blog again. I read the old stuff, felt inspired and lol, ridiciously jealous of the seemingly 'ardent' journey I went on previously. I so automatically compared my current state of mind / spirituality and wondered, "Dang, what happened to you?", immediately I thought again, "man, I can't believe you became one of them - who looked back retrospectively from the future, and wondered what and how it happened... You became one of them," I truly wondered in genuine fear whether I'd be able to "revert" to the ways, mind and heart of old again. In the same moment, I even managed to bring myself to grieve over this loss that I thought I was experiencing.
Yet, another part of me, faintly smiled with pursed lips on the inside knowing that because God is faithful, good and consistent (unlike me), my current journey is not condemning, shameful or worthless, to say the least. I can only rise higher than my current spiral of chaos, rise higher into bridging that gap between heaven and earth. I can only grow deeper into knowing and being acquinted with what His grace, love, sustenance means all over again. It reminds me of what Dr Vinod shared at homes and what Eld Ken Yiak shared before, "God challenges you only for more of His heart, never less."
As such, I have hope as I go through this season.
At one point of tonight, my mind brought me back to a picture of Israel that I literally, stepped foot on, and somewhat I felt a hint of this unspeakable subtle joy as well as peace, being assured that my God is real. If He chose Israel / the Israelites, and Israel 24/7 screams of His supernaturality and speechless beauty, as I shared my takeaway then, I know that the same good, God who planned for Jesus to die for us on the cross in Israel so that we can have free access to Him, is the same God wherever we are, same God for Malaysia, for this little space I'm inhabiting where it sometimes, seems impossible to reconcile God with (wearing this inferior and developing-Asian-world mentality :P). The thought of that gives me joy, hope, and peace. And surpassing peace - that reaffirms my truth and conviction, that God is real and is with me in that (and this) very moment.
xx "Coincidentally", I've also been hearing the Red Sea miracle recurringly over the past few days / weeks. Yesterday, I shared with some friends and family the passage I came across that morning, Psalm 77 where David laments and cries, wondering if God has chosen to turn His back against Him.. Yet the passage continues with David, in spite of going through that motion of defeated and broken mentality, being persuaded by the memory of God's miracle in the past. One of the examples David raised, was God's parting of the Red Sea, where God said himself, "Your path is through the great waters; where no man has seen, and the footprints of God were not visible," I don't fully understand the last part about the footprints of God, but the rest of the verse just spoke earthquakes into the mountains inside my heart.
Today, as I felt so vividly in my brain and even in the express thought of, "Wow.. today, I think today.. is when I can firmly admit that I struggle with anxiety...." Man, anxiety is so threatening, oppressive and crippling. But right after that thought, another thought sought to reconcile the Red Sea principle, "What if this 'anxiety' is your Red Sea, and God is leading you to it, into it, and then He'll create and carve a way out from within the anxiety itself and part the Red Seas for you," "Perhaps God is helping you to overcome it by leading you in and through it, facing it head-on..."
Though I still wore my constipated face on the outside, I let out a sigh of "fear" and mild relief at the same time that God is working. I used to attribute challenges to lack of devotion, until I learnt that challenges are never far from the "devoted", perhaps even close sometimes, if not certainly inevitable, right after you have an encounter with Jesus. That the challenge comes to threaten your growth with the intention of suppressing it.
I did ask for more of God, perhaps this is the challenge after the encounter., the one step closer..
Friday, March 22
Wednesday, October 3
traveller
Oh, the struggles of reconciling my different worlds from the different seasons of my past...
How my heart aches for Bristol this one second as I speak to friends from Bristol...
Then I'm back to conversing with my KK buddy & another world flashes by in my mind...
Then I'm right here physically in a place I called home for a few years back then, so as I hang out with people from then, it feels like home for a while..
Then I'm reminded where I'm literally, physically, at - staying ay my cousin's doing a new job, inchoating my career, and suddenly so many things are different..
Then I'm caught by my reality of needing to open up my life to escort more things into it! new friends, new opportunities..
And I'm reminded to be fully present, to be open to the endless opportunities & experiences that God wants me to experience right here, right now.
I'm challenged to fully immerse myself in my physical reality, & not be divided across the different realities that the virtual world take me on, or dwell in the realities of my memories...
Such challenge, such reality, world.
Oh my heart..
How can my faint heart take it?
Slight confusion, but above all, my heart is full
I am grateful
Above all, I know that You are good.
I have confidence
I have peace.
Above all, there's no one else for me.
None but You.
I love You.
How my heart aches for Bristol this one second as I speak to friends from Bristol...
Then I'm back to conversing with my KK buddy & another world flashes by in my mind...
Then I'm right here physically in a place I called home for a few years back then, so as I hang out with people from then, it feels like home for a while..
Then I'm reminded where I'm literally, physically, at - staying ay my cousin's doing a new job, inchoating my career, and suddenly so many things are different..
Then I'm caught by my reality of needing to open up my life to escort more things into it! new friends, new opportunities..
And I'm reminded to be fully present, to be open to the endless opportunities & experiences that God wants me to experience right here, right now.
I'm challenged to fully immerse myself in my physical reality, & not be divided across the different realities that the virtual world take me on, or dwell in the realities of my memories...
Such challenge, such reality, world.
Oh my heart..
How can my faint heart take it?
Slight confusion, but above all, my heart is full
I am grateful
Above all, I know that You are good.
I have confidence
I have peace.
Above all, there's no one else for me.
None but You.
I love You.
Monday, June 4
Rejection - in a broken world
And then I'm reminded of the times where Jesus was taken for granted...
When even people from his homeland ridiculed him, questioned him, mocked and scorned at him...
For what?
For all that He was doing for the world, they chose not to believe.
He never sinned.
I feel that I don't deserve judgment from people regarding things I didn't do wrong, things in fact done with good intention but misunderstood & misperceived as idk what.
But, neither did Jesus... Neither did He deserve any of the by-product of the brokenness of the world.
Sure, it feels - unfair, uncalled for, unnecessary...
But neither did Jesus deserve all the unkind things this world warrants.
-
1 Peter 4:13 Instead, be very glad--for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world.
-
1 Peter 2:21-25 For to this you were called, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving an example for you to follow in his steps. 2:22 He committed no sin nor was deceit found in his mouth. 2:23 When he was maligned, he did not answer back; when he suffered, he threatened no retaliation, but committed himself to God who judges justly. 2:24 He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we may cease from sinning and live for righteousness. By his wounds you were healed.
-
Praise to the God of All Comfort
2 Corinthians 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
When even people from his homeland ridiculed him, questioned him, mocked and scorned at him...
For what?
For all that He was doing for the world, they chose not to believe.
He never sinned.
I feel that I don't deserve judgment from people regarding things I didn't do wrong, things in fact done with good intention but misunderstood & misperceived as idk what.
But, neither did Jesus... Neither did He deserve any of the by-product of the brokenness of the world.
Sure, it feels - unfair, uncalled for, unnecessary...
But neither did Jesus deserve all the unkind things this world warrants.
-
1 Peter 4:13 Instead, be very glad--for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world.
-
1 Peter 2:21-25 For to this you were called, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving an example for you to follow in his steps. 2:22 He committed no sin nor was deceit found in his mouth. 2:23 When he was maligned, he did not answer back; when he suffered, he threatened no retaliation, but committed himself to God who judges justly. 2:24 He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we may cease from sinning and live for righteousness. By his wounds you were healed.
-
Praise to the God of All Comfort
2 Corinthians 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
Take heart, for He has overcome the world.
Thursday, April 12
Angels
Thank you Edwin & Nicole.
I am so blessed.
I love it when I'm reminded of how real & how good our God is -
through your loving gesture.
I know so in my head,
but it's another level to experience it.
Can't help but smile.
:)
-
Tuesday, April 10
Thursday, April 5
"Lord You are always here with me"
When troubles come I trust in You
For I know You will lead me through
And I know You are faithful till the end
And when the storms are drawing near
When I'm with You I don't have to fear
You're my shepherd on whom I can depend
# Through the day
Through the night
I know You're always be by my side
* Lord You are always here with me
There is no changing God in Thee
You are the same yesterday
and today and forevermore
Here on your promises i stand
You hold my future in Your hand
My solid rock Almighty God
I worship you
危難臨到我信靠你
Wei nan lin dao wo xin kao ni
深知你必領我度過
Shen zhi ni bi ling wo du guo
你信實為我堅持到最後
Ni xin shi wei wo jian zhi dao zui hou
當暴風雨向我靠近
Dang feng bao yu xiang wo kao jin
有你同在我不至畏懼
You ni tong zai wo bu zhi wei ju
你是我的牧者我所倚靠
Ni shi wo de mu zhe wo suo yi kao
# 每個夜 每一天
Mei ge ye mei yi tian
我知你永遠在身边
Wo zhi ni yong yuan zai shen bian
* 主你永遠與我同在
Zhu ni yong yuan yu wo tong zai
在你裡面沒有改變
Zai ni li mian mei you gai bian
你的堅定從昨日到今日
Ni de jian ding cong zuo ri dao jin ri
一直到永遠
Yi zhi dao yong yuan
靠你豐盛應許站立
Kao ni feng sheng ying xu zhan li
我的未來在你手中
Wo de wei lai zai ni shou zhong
堅固磐石 全能真神
Jian gu pan shi quan neng zhen shi
我敬拜你
Wo jing bai ni
For I know You will lead me through
And I know You are faithful till the end
And when the storms are drawing near
When I'm with You I don't have to fear
You're my shepherd on whom I can depend
# Through the day
Through the night
I know You're always be by my side
* Lord You are always here with me
There is no changing God in Thee
You are the same yesterday
and today and forevermore
Here on your promises i stand
You hold my future in Your hand
My solid rock Almighty God
I worship you
危難臨到我信靠你
Wei nan lin dao wo xin kao ni
深知你必領我度過
Shen zhi ni bi ling wo du guo
你信實為我堅持到最後
Ni xin shi wei wo jian zhi dao zui hou
當暴風雨向我靠近
Dang feng bao yu xiang wo kao jin
有你同在我不至畏懼
You ni tong zai wo bu zhi wei ju
你是我的牧者我所倚靠
Ni shi wo de mu zhe wo suo yi kao
# 每個夜 每一天
Mei ge ye mei yi tian
我知你永遠在身边
Wo zhi ni yong yuan zai shen bian
* 主你永遠與我同在
Zhu ni yong yuan yu wo tong zai
在你裡面沒有改變
Zai ni li mian mei you gai bian
你的堅定從昨日到今日
Ni de jian ding cong zuo ri dao jin ri
一直到永遠
Yi zhi dao yong yuan
靠你豐盛應許站立
Kao ni feng sheng ying xu zhan li
我的未來在你手中
Wo de wei lai zai ni shou zhong
堅固磐石 全能真神
Jian gu pan shi quan neng zhen shi
我敬拜你
Wo jing bai ni
Monday, April 2
April Fool's Story! :)
Happy blessed birthday Cass & Ginny!
You both have added much value to my life :)
Love you both dearly!!
Saturday, March 31
Isaac, the lil heartbreaker
 |
| Idk why he kept licking his palm! :P |
 |
| the UWE BPTC FAM! :) |
*
 |
| Isaac in his best element!! |
*
Oh, Isaac, I'd spin you again & again & again if I could! :p
Oh Isaac & Isabelle, you both will grow up to be such influential people for His kingdom! So inspired by your loving family who are completely head over heels for God. Thanks Ps Kah Jin & Ps Sadie for dropping by & warming our hearts for a weekend :) So privileged to get to know your family, albeit just a little bit more. Praying only for God's best in your lives!! < 3
Friday, March 30
God
-
I participated in a homeless feeding initiative with church peeps last night. It was my very first time feeding the homeless. It was life transformational. Throughout the entire time, I was so engaged.. with I'm not even really sure what... I was caught in a daze even after I went home & decided to pen down my thoughts.
How is it possible that I in return am SO tremendously blessed ?
I had such a precious encounter in exchange, a fresh revelation of God's goodness & love so tangible that consumes me... I would never trade this for anything else...
-
Friday, March 16
You
You don't give Your heart in pieces,
You don't hide Yourself to tease us -
Your love is pure.
Pieces, Amanda Cook
You don't hide Yourself to tease us -
Your love is pure.
Pieces, Amanda Cook
Wednesday, March 14
spoiled silly; the little things
UWE had a water cut last Wednesday. It was awkward when I wanted to brush up at 4.30a.m., & the next morning I received an email to say that the pipe burst somewhere around 3a.m. I really needed to brush my teeth, wash my face, do lots of things. It was awkward because I had just finished all my 5-6 bottles of water that night itself, I wasn't ready for a rainy day. As class ended that morning, we found out that there's a shower space in the same building where we attend classes. Shower there was so comfortable! Even more than those in the typical swimming pool/gyms shower rooms. The whole time I showered, I just kept thinking, "I'm so blessed, I'm so blessed, I'm so blessed!!!"
Since that morning, the reception had been offering water bottles to the residents affected. On my way back from shower that evening, we (me & D) came across trucks & people delivering & transporting water. Don't think they stopped working early as I still saw them around midnight. On my way to refill my water bottles later that night, as I neared one staff, he happily gave me 6 big bottles to bring home.
Next day, I went to class with a turbulent stomach, so I rushed to use the toilet in the building across. When my day had ended, the water's been restored & everything's back to normal. ;)
Random post this is, but I can't help thinking how blessed I am.
I appreciate their hard work, and how they're always readily available to help albeit it's just water shortage for less than 2 days. I appreciate the frequent update emails we received throughout the days too. I wish that more people in different parts of the world, who are suffering, will have their needs met satisfactorily one day, if not more, because you deserve the best as much as we do.
-
Here's an even more random picture of the Tesco delivery driver speaking to Desmond, our kind friend, who volunteered to help us out with our groceries without asking questions at all. (You'll be able to spot his specs + prominent forehead if you look close enough) In this picture, the Tesco delivery driver was stressed & had difficulty driving to our doorstep. Our friend there volunteered to ride in with him to find the way although he wasn't sure himself.
Thank you for going the many extra miles to sort out our groceries that night, & thank you, for the friendship during all other times!
Tuesday, March 13
I taste and see...
I am on a journey of fine-tuning, or sharpening rather, my senses in identifying God's presence in my life. As I journal today, I approach the pages with many burdens in my heart, part of it even bitterness as I grow frustrated in my walk with God where I impatiently wait for His power to unveil before my human eyes. My lack of patience has taken the better of me and brewed bitterness deep down in my heart. I realize this when I compelled myself to pen down my thoughts, and I realize I am repeating the same questions, burdens and issues as I already did before.
I also wrote about my Saturday spent in church where my heart was so full throughout, where I kept wanting more and I never wanted that day to end. (That day = the feeling, the presence rather...) As I continued on the details of my day/height of my emotions, the stark irony hit me - how was I to question/doubt His presence, when all I'm writing about is the manifestation of His presence?
In hindsight, after letting everything (my thoughts and my words) sink in for the past hour now, I realize the importance of reflection. Not just in a memory recording kind of way, but through pouring out purely before God. Each word, cry, bit of honesty is a step closer to reconciling heaven's perspective with my reality/circumstance.
I wrote this, "God, I need You to be more real in my life. I need to encounter You, I need to know it's You, I need to be able to recognize You with confidence. I do not want to go about my day, feeling all that I feel, shedding tears here and there, being awestruck and fascinated by the different snippets of my day, consumed in conversations that discuss cries of desperation for Your fresh touch, experiencing interactions that are heartfelt and warm my heart to its core, hearing Your community being a support to one another which blesses my heart.... I do not want to feel all this, yet still feel that the big question of Your reality in my heart unanswered."
After writing it down, it then hit me, God's presence has been manifesting ALL around me. God's presence is not just with me, in my heart where it tugs at the strings of my emotions, it manifests through conversations, through the tears in someone else's eyes as I ask, "Actually, have you accepted Christ before?" during a casual and "off-setting" conversation over refreshments, through the laughters and forehead creases as different ones discuss the dilemmas they face in their every other day over dinner, through the tears in someone else's eyes where I proclaim and declare the truth that "God loves you and wants to have a relationship with you" although I did not feel a certain"fire" in my bones that straight says GOD but mere excitement in my heart that was fighting to jump off my chest, through the passionate serving of others in His house, through people lifting their hands during worship as they immerse in the fullness of the "atmosphere", through the hugs and "how are you's?"...
I couldn't put two and two together because I was so stuck up in my thinking that God keeps leaving my questions unanswered. I was rigid and inflexible. I end up causing myself to be bitter... If only I would keep my heart open constantly and not be so stubborn with my own views. My head knows that God is good, but I had let my emotions get the better of me although I am fully aware of the falsehood of how emotions can become.
Jenn Johnson says that when we go about our days and we feel strongly about certain things in our hearts, or when we suddenly feel sad or burdened or we abruptly weep as we pass by a homeless person "without reason" during a fun and happy day, we ought to sit down and ask God, "What are You trying to say to me?"
Today, I wrote in my journal, "Father, why is it that I always feel these little nudges where my face turn'd constipated and I'd wanna cry, but when I get there (face constipated) my tear glands tease me, sometimes the tap opens and it flows, but sometimes the nudge just ends awkwardly and idk how to feel. But then it'd come back again after a while, and the cycle'd repeat itself."
"Why is it that I'd sometimes feel so strongly towards different things throughout my day, yet it's not like a build-up to where I receive a grand revelation from You in relation to those moments; then sometimes it'd feel like the thoughts that come with the emotions are left hanging as they're put to a pause & I continue with my day & they fade away into my day... But then some days it'd come back, or my tear glands go all icky again every now and then... It's as if it's a normal part of life which I'd come to accept."
I feel God saying that, when I react (consciously or subconsciously) to things around me, that's His heart beating in mine, and I have been feeling fragments of His emotions towards things around me, towards people whom He so loves...
My head may not understand it, but that is Him breaking my heart for what breaks His... That's me seeing the world through His eyes, feeling what He feels, catching a glimpse of His heart each time.
*Here are some videos which are very close to my heart. I first heard of "Adventure with the Holy Spirit" some years back, with Jenn's personality and her story of practising with the HS standing out in my memory. Recently, it's been ringing in my head, I'm so glad I looked it up again to include it here.
I was so glad when the first video ended and this second video was the suggested video. Its headline aptly reflects something I've been desiring to hear and learn more about. I am also tremendously blessed by it.
This song captivated my the first time I heard it.
Let this song be my prayer...
enjoy~
I also wrote about my Saturday spent in church where my heart was so full throughout, where I kept wanting more and I never wanted that day to end. (That day = the feeling, the presence rather...) As I continued on the details of my day/height of my emotions, the stark irony hit me - how was I to question/doubt His presence, when all I'm writing about is the manifestation of His presence?
In hindsight, after letting everything (my thoughts and my words) sink in for the past hour now, I realize the importance of reflection. Not just in a memory recording kind of way, but through pouring out purely before God. Each word, cry, bit of honesty is a step closer to reconciling heaven's perspective with my reality/circumstance.
I wrote this, "God, I need You to be more real in my life. I need to encounter You, I need to know it's You, I need to be able to recognize You with confidence. I do not want to go about my day, feeling all that I feel, shedding tears here and there, being awestruck and fascinated by the different snippets of my day, consumed in conversations that discuss cries of desperation for Your fresh touch, experiencing interactions that are heartfelt and warm my heart to its core, hearing Your community being a support to one another which blesses my heart.... I do not want to feel all this, yet still feel that the big question of Your reality in my heart unanswered."
After writing it down, it then hit me, God's presence has been manifesting ALL around me. God's presence is not just with me, in my heart where it tugs at the strings of my emotions, it manifests through conversations, through the tears in someone else's eyes as I ask, "Actually, have you accepted Christ before?" during a casual and "off-setting" conversation over refreshments, through the laughters and forehead creases as different ones discuss the dilemmas they face in their every other day over dinner, through the tears in someone else's eyes where I proclaim and declare the truth that "God loves you and wants to have a relationship with you" although I did not feel a certain"fire" in my bones that straight says GOD but mere excitement in my heart that was fighting to jump off my chest, through the passionate serving of others in His house, through people lifting their hands during worship as they immerse in the fullness of the "atmosphere", through the hugs and "how are you's?"...
I couldn't put two and two together because I was so stuck up in my thinking that God keeps leaving my questions unanswered. I was rigid and inflexible. I end up causing myself to be bitter... If only I would keep my heart open constantly and not be so stubborn with my own views. My head knows that God is good, but I had let my emotions get the better of me although I am fully aware of the falsehood of how emotions can become.
Jenn Johnson says that when we go about our days and we feel strongly about certain things in our hearts, or when we suddenly feel sad or burdened or we abruptly weep as we pass by a homeless person "without reason" during a fun and happy day, we ought to sit down and ask God, "What are You trying to say to me?"
Today, I wrote in my journal, "Father, why is it that I always feel these little nudges where my face turn'd constipated and I'd wanna cry, but when I get there (face constipated) my tear glands tease me, sometimes the tap opens and it flows, but sometimes the nudge just ends awkwardly and idk how to feel. But then it'd come back again after a while, and the cycle'd repeat itself."
"Why is it that I'd sometimes feel so strongly towards different things throughout my day, yet it's not like a build-up to where I receive a grand revelation from You in relation to those moments; then sometimes it'd feel like the thoughts that come with the emotions are left hanging as they're put to a pause & I continue with my day & they fade away into my day... But then some days it'd come back, or my tear glands go all icky again every now and then... It's as if it's a normal part of life which I'd come to accept."
I feel God saying that, when I react (consciously or subconsciously) to things around me, that's His heart beating in mine, and I have been feeling fragments of His emotions towards things around me, towards people whom He so loves...
My head may not understand it, but that is Him breaking my heart for what breaks His... That's me seeing the world through His eyes, feeling what He feels, catching a glimpse of His heart each time.
*Here are some videos which are very close to my heart. I first heard of "Adventure with the Holy Spirit" some years back, with Jenn's personality and her story of practising with the HS standing out in my memory. Recently, it's been ringing in my head, I'm so glad I looked it up again to include it here.
I was so glad when the first video ended and this second video was the suggested video. Its headline aptly reflects something I've been desiring to hear and learn more about. I am also tremendously blessed by it.
This song captivated my the first time I heard it.
Let this song be my prayer...
enjoy~
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