of deep breaths, and trapped air

 As the sun set in, and the day darkened, I went to dinner with WK and Jer, feeling happy with the comfortable company, yet each time my mind thought of what'd happen after dinner, my heart just slowly weighed me down.. Dinner ended, as me and Jer were walking away, we passed by girls on our left taking photos of above, I didn't care less, thought it was a selfie. A few steps after that, as my eyes just wandered around tilting my head here and there, this mesmerizing beauty captivated my heart, and I couldn't help but take a few shots too.

It was so beautiful. I was instantly reminded of mum, *filling up on the inside* who used to always snap out of her daze as she drove me back from school/tuition/places whenever she sees a rainbow. She'd bring herself lightly off the seat, rummaging through her purse for her phone with her gaze unmoved from the rainbow, hoping to secure it as the seconds went by. She'd always be in awe, filled with amazement, giving praise to God. And I could tell that that momentary sight alone was sufficient to fill her thoughts for a while, with a different and lighter tone playing inside of her.

Mum said, it reminds her of God's promises, how faithful our God is. As I was oblivious and insensitive for a long part of my life, I finally comprehended it yesterday, though it didn't properly sink in until a while after that.

This sight is amazing, the rainbow just seems to go across, sheltering all three buildings, with the other end of the rainbow resting gracefully on the clouds. :3 

I haven't seen such a full and clear rainbow in ages.

And it's just so... real, tangible, evident.. and just, real. Seriously, standing underneath it, it was so vast, and I just got so consumed in its beauty, it felt like this big umbrella sheltering me. Such beauty, and greatness. And all in all, it felt as if God was with me. 

This, is ultimately significant, as it symbolizes God's promises.

For me, for my life - in Taylor's too.

That God is not just with me when I'm in church, or surrounded with church people,

But also when I feel the most insecure, when I'd feel so lonely, when sometimes I feel like I try so hard to find, and not being able to find, when i'd feel solitary, neglected, on my own, so dark.

That God sees me, that it's ok, He's seeing me through, He's got a plan.

I'd like to believe this is it.

Thank You.

*I've got so many other things to write about recently...
But it'll have to wait until this weekend *hopefully* or just next weekend.
Till then, God, give me strength, peace, WISDOM.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I'll finish well today.

Oh P.S., if you look really closely, you can see another shade of rainbow on the right, right next to the existing one (: remember what they say about double rainbows? (:

"I will give you a great deal. And even more abundantly.

That they'll not be just enough, or good enough for you,

but it shall overflow and you just can't get full hold of it."

and that's just how good our God is.

crazy ride

Hebrews 10

32 Think back on those early days when you first learned about Christ.[j] Remember how you remained faithful even though it meant terrible suffering. 33 Sometimes you were exposed to public ridicule and were beaten, and sometimes you helped others who were suffering the same things. 34 You suffered along with those who were thrown into jail, and when all you owned was taken from you, you accepted it with joy. You knew there were better things waiting for you that will last forever.

35 So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! 36 Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.

37 “For in just a little while,
    the Coming One will come and not delay.
38 And my righteous ones will live by faith.
    But I will take no pleasure in anyone who turns away.”

39 But we are not like those who turn away from God to their own destruction. We are the faithful ones, whose souls will be saved.

crazy, crazy day.

crazy, crazy ride.

wow.

thank You for last night, especially special.

& I shall thank You for today too of course.

help me, Lord.

I trust in You.

Amen.

:)

Daphne spared her bed for me;

Vikki made soup for me.

bubz

Reminds me of someone!

perfect timing

Superhero much? 

Free ice-cream today woohoo :D

monday

in dire need of a mother's love...

my mum...

hello :)

these few days have been relatively interesting.
been feeling a tad bit heavy recently, prolly also attributed by the fact that i'm returning to uni next week, and the idea of "losing control" in a way sorta taunts me. felt pretty intimidated, worried, anxious..

however as i got up after watching 2 episodes of Plain Jane, i realised that the stitch chapter has got to close. oh and that was also after i read this post on a random website entitled, "how to know if you love, need or want someone". i realised prolly the desire was coming from me wanting to rebound to that sense of familiarity where i felt wrapped in the safety cocoon, feeling secure, reassured, comfortable, at ease. it's possible that there's love, but just love in a different way now.. or rather, maybe there was love before, and the current feelings could be the remnant of what we had before.. i dont know. it's interesting how i was actually feeling super geared up and pumped cuz i was gonna make changes - be vulnerable, feeling empowered as well, and that kickstarted the series of crazy events :O anywho, im glad it hit me that this chapter ought to close.

which also reminded me that the prev uni chapter ought to come to a seal as well. it's all bull, and it's been 2 months, i wanted to get better, i am better. i've got so many things i wanna do and pursue. i need to study hard, and wanna learn so many new skills, gain more knowledge. i dont even have to bother about other petty stuff. all of a sudden, i feel empowered, and fearless.

i know that God has a plan, He will not fail me, He's got our best interests in His hands.

our job is to love people

im okay.

Best day :)

Super happy day

^ :D

Bumped into sah many people - aaron sheena eric yongg zi xian swenson cyc stanley kylie justina jonas daryl alex c alex th ssing nee flavia loke neelsson noobbbird ggodwin jeeremy wychern, boey shanice elva, chatted with jeremy and eugene and daryl of course :) and the guy who used to ride around the taman who's buddies with joshua!

ooh! met macei and cheau li, then yamcha with pops moms jie cheau li macei alexc ronnald! went for golf for ze first time!!!

YAY!

YAY!

double yay.

God is so good! just even with parking slots, awesome time in bangkok/myanmar - finding that skirt shop :), and safe journeys, and saving me from that v'day dinner thing tmr :((( AWESOMEEE. 

lalala~

 

"I may not have a perfect performance, but I know my heart is right."

dear john

one of my favourite books! esp loved this excerpt.

_______________________________________________

"I sold the collection because I finally understood what true love really meant. Tim had told me—and shown me—that love meant that you care for another person’s happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be. I’d left Tim’s hospital room knowing that he’d been right. But doing the right thing wasn’t easy. These days, I lead my life feeling that something is missing that I somehow need to make my life complete. I know that my feeling about Savannah will never change, and I know I will always wonder about the choice I made.

And sometimes, despite myself, I wonder if Savannah feels the same way. Which of course explains the other reason I came to Lenoir.

I stare at the ranch as evening settles in. It’s the first night of the full moon, and for me, the memories will come. They always do. I hold my breath as the moon begins its slow rise over the mountain, its milky glow edging just over the horizon. The trees turn liquid silver, and though I want to return to those bittersweet memories, I turn away and look at the ranch again.

For a long time, I wait in vain. The moon continues its slow arc across the sky, and one by one, the lights in the house wink out. I find myself focusing anxiously on the front door, hoping for the impossible. I know that she won’t appear, but I still can’t force myself to leave. I breathe in slowly, as if hoping to draw her out.

And when I see her finally emerge from the house, I feel a strange tingling in my spine, one I’ve never experienced before. She pauses on the steps, and I watch as she turns and seems to stare in my direction. I freeze for no reason—I know she can’t possibly see me. From my perch, I watch as Savannah closes the door quietly behind her. She slowly descends the steps and wanders to the center of the yard.

She pauses then and crosses her arms, glancing over her shoulder to make sure no one has followed her. Finally, she seems to relax. And then I feel as if I’m witnessing a miracle, as ever so slowly she raises her face toward the moon. I watch her drink in the sight, sensing the flood of memories she’s unleashed and wanting nothing more than to let her know I’m here. But instead I stay where I am and stare up at the moon as well. And for the briefest instant, it almost feels like we’re together again."

:)) this shizzle aint no shizzle

So today's been a great day! After so long dreading with my long locks, I finally went to Team to do something about it. Had no idea at all, was anticipating something different, and thought of Sher's hair that I absolutely adore and hence decided to do the same. So happy. So Alex chopped off much of my locks, oh if you didn't know, I LOVE cutting my hair. When it gets too long, it just bothers me, and I'm secretly hoping I could cut it myself every time haha. But then my hair's always long cuz I'm unsure what to do with it. Back in high school, chopping it off was an easy decision cuz I just do a ponytail everyday and nobody cares. OH and the long hair especially irritates me worse when I'm wearing a pony tail, i'm just like "URRRRRGGGHHHHHH" on the inside. :P anyway, since I left high school, chopping my hair off didn't come as easy firstly because I permed it, and secondly, I seemed to look nicer with longer hair rather than midlength, cuz it'll just drain the glow away from my face, I feel. And since I'm like sorta 'embracing adolescence' in a way, i gotta make sure I look like a.. lady. Lol.

As of today, i was excited cuz I like change. And I'm so into chopping my hair but obviously trading for a good look too. I just couldn't wear it any longer. And now, my hair is halfway done :P I'm supposed to cut, dye and perm, but so far only cut and dye has been done. And though I don't look extraordinarily ravishing, I'm really happy, and I just can't seem to give a care in the world. And it feels amazing. So light, and I just... really don't care.

Which reminds me of the adventurous trait that I got going on which has rather lied dormant for a while? Mmm. I remember being up for most things, probably anything at all cuz I was up for challenges, and I liked change, I liked being different. Whilst absolutely understanding that I'm not cut out for everything (or rather cut out for just something only - which I probably haven't even figured out), the process was always gratifying, and would always be an achievement that I would constantly brag about, in my head. :) Even if things didn't run smoothly, I'd always look at the bright side, and never regret. I remember telling myself I should never regret anything, because there's no point doing so, and everything happens for a reason. I used to live by these quotes so confidently being responsible for each decision I make. And so naturally as well, that i didn't deliberately work it in my head. It was as though I was customised that way already. Somehow, being ready to bear the consequences of sloppy decisions didn't seem scary or overwhelming at all - because i thought, u know rainbow after the rain, and there's always something to learn from everything. So positive. Not sure if that's attributed to wise decisions (I doubt so), but maybe it was just the hardcore-positivity that was carrying me through.

Somewhere along moving on from high school, I suppose my focus has diverted and I began to take for granted that mechanism that kept me going. Rather than being 'fearless' (always freaking out tbh) and adventurous, taking risks, I resorted to believing that I deserve the luxury of choice and started making decisions attempting to stay in my comfort zone. Rather than being soaked into the beauty of taking risks, I suppose I actually began to care about what people, whether significant or not, thought of me. With that clouding my judgment, I suppose I gave excuses that life was happening, problem was with them not me, and I just also confidently made decisions, trusting my guts based on past high school experiences that seemed to bear fruits. But little did I know, my sense of judgment has given way long ago. And it's time to be humble, really humble, again, and let life steers its own course.

I don't wanna have high expectations. In fact, if I could, I don't wanna expect at all. I just wanna stay simple, going back to believing in just doing my best in everything, period. I just wanna keep doing things that make me happy. I wanna take risks!!! I wanna always do something different, and keep learning about life that way. I wanna just chop off my hair, and not give a care in the world. I wanna keep learning!!! I wanna live a simple life. Embrace all that's happening, all the feelings, the moments. Without worrying what happens in the future. Of course, keeping my walls up too.

*

I've been reading lately. Finished these 3, and the first one is my fav among all. 

Moving on to Joel Osteen next :)

 

I'm a terrible selfie person. And I don't like being vain.

whatevs. hahah. it's just shorter now.

I'm up for challenges. I wanna fight. And I'm not gonna look at this the same again. I'm gonna be humble, and face this challenge, and I will learn something out of this.

thank you Jesus :)

Moots scoots remedyyy

I just wanna be strong ya know.
You're pretty strong, there *touch shoulder touch biceps*
Very few girls like you one oh.
You're cool, come on.
*brofists*

How To Fall In Love

*

So I spent the whole night finishing this, and towards the end, it was just like, "WOW." Ya know the kinda way we'd get attached to one book, and for a while, you're living a whole different life which just keeps on going and going, and towards the end, you slowly feel so heavy hearted, and then when it ends, you just struggle to keep your feet on the ground to catch up with reality? Haha. Crazy man.

The very thought that just rings in my head as the fancy love story ended, was just, "this is crazy man. this is just one crazy story, one crazy book..." Lol. Overall I'd say I enjoyed the novel :) it left a smile on my face, and got me thinking about it even during work today. Just this break from reality has been definitely a sweet escape! 

In the novel, the main girl Christine seemed to cry a lot. Half of me thought this girl was a lil too emotional, but another half of me sorta understood reasons behind her breakdowns every now and then, even if it seems a lil too frequent.

The story tells of how Christine promised a guy who was on the verge of jumping off the bridge, Adam that she would show him the beauty of life, and that life's worth it. This was done despite the fact that she failed to stop a suicidal man from pulling the trigger to his head, also despite the fact that her marriage was falling apart.. and she was rather not in a happy place.

What captivated me was how optimistic and pumped up she appears to be, meanwhile promising to help Adam fall in love with life again. As much as circumstances were not going her way, deep down she knows that life is still worth it. It's that instinct of survival. And it comes especially natural to advise someone in their lows, that the world's a good place to be in, even though your girlfriend has cheated on you, your losing your family, and your best friend. When you're in a tough situation, it can always get suffocating and life threatening. But then there's always that other person, who's 100% confident that you shouldn't die because of the setbacks, 100% full of faith that there will be a rainbow after the rain - even though that other person isn't doing  a lot better himself/herself.

And whilst one can get lost in one's trauma, feeling hopeless yet still living through each day because of that instinct of survival deep down inside, whilst encouraging someone to believe in life but truthfully doubt the truth of these facts, you get encouraged in return when trying to lift somebody else up.

I enjoyed the idea of how selfless she seemed. How her character was developed as being a sentimental, full of emotions woman. How she yearns to help people, make the place a better world to live in, going the extra mile to make sure someone is happy, cuz that's what she sees value in. Despite being wronged by the world, or living in an apartment with minimal things for survival, she does not dispute the truth but just bringing herself to live through every day at least, even though she may not be making the most out of each day, and life isn't going her way at all.

I like it, because I find that it's true... that life can throw you down a pit occassionally, it happens all the time. Adam and Christine may be in the same boat, the difference is just one chooses to jump, another chooses to keep paddling. And realising that life has a purpose.. And if you're relatively 'lucky' (quote and quote cuz that's not my fav word to use :P), you find love again, and you're rejuvenated and all set for a whole new exhilarating journey :)

amen.

though this remains an ideal dream that can only motivate and inspire me to look at the brighter things in life, part of me prays that miracles do happen, and thank you for just giving my heart a tease and bringing me onto an exciting journey aside from my own :)

woots, another long overdue post

I shall post up photos in a jiffy to summarise how my last week was spent...
Mmm, tuesday was Lucy's Kitchen, Wednesday was Jabez, Thursday was the full moot set then dinner with Uncle David and Aunty Sashi, Friday morning went to court, went to cell at night. Saturday, Inch with pies, youth, dinner at Krishna's, Sunday was church then home then Krys' bro's wedding dinner :3

Monday till Friday was work, Monday lunch with ze staffs, dinner at Lintas Korean i think. Tuesday lunch with Appa, Wed lunch with pie, Thurs tabao, Fri panmee. Tues - half city stroll with abs to GeorgPeck, Sutera, All Saints, Damai chicken wing. Wed - half sunset viewing with derps. Fri - hung out with Krys and Rav :) and mama rav came to check Mac out before... mm mmm. ended the weekdays on a perfect note!

today, dating derp woohooo!