"With Christ in the vessel,
we can smile at the storm,
Truly, in the toughest of times, only faith can sustain us.
How much can it sustain us, is then a test of faith.
Every battle we go through, is a battle for our souls.
Who shall be the ultimate victor?
We pray that Christ will always win.
Saturday, June 6
Sunday, May 31
Blessings.
A couple of months ago, it occurred to me - is my return to M'sia & my family, possibly a sign that I'm a step closer... to the passing of my parents?
I know the thought is absurd, just as it was immediately and loudly slammed by a friend when I infalse courage, brought myself to verbalise it one time.
The formulation of such thought is due to stories of praise I've heard where someone would have returned to his or her hometown after years abroad, and several years later when a parent's passed away, in hindsight, he'd recognize God's faithful hands through the years, and receive the a revelation that "Oh.. So that's probably why God prompted me to come home, so I could spend all these last years of my parent, together."
I couldn't help but wonder, if such was also... my fate.
My dad has been feeling unwell over the past few weeks. It is quite unprecedented, as this time, the illness took captive of his mind and spirit too. When the head of the house seems dejected, the entire family worries along, the spirit of the family members are equally grieved. It is unprecedented of my father who's always been firm in stature and character, who's the loudest extrovert in the room, who usually has no room for overthinking, negative emotions to dwell, who often looks at problems as opportunities in disguise.
This is unprecedented, because my father today, who is diagnosed as perfectly well by the doctors, panics when cold sweat trickles down his body and appears to be convinced that there is a virus in his blood that is beyond doctors. Covid-19 has yet again, launched another seemingly lethal attack, on another family.
It has been really discouraging. A silver lining that I could gather was / is, the unity of our family this crisis has brought.
As I ponder upon the past few years of my return to Malaysia with a primary intention to take care of my parents, I've been keeping count that this is the second crisis that's hit my family. A part of me wonders, is this one of those testimonies where I'd say, "Thank God I am here in closer proximity to my parents where I can afford to offer physical care, and perhaps make a difference where support is concerned"; another part of me offers a more dominant thought in that, this was actually going to happen all along.. anyway.. whether I'm home or not. I'm rather swayed that this was part of God's plan - not in the sense that He's inflicted my family with crises, but in allowing it, it's probably a part of the entire grand picture, all along.
In that sense, I find a deep, unwavering state of mind that the latter is it. And if that's the case, there's really not much I can do... if it really was all part of the Plan. It would have happened anyway.
This unwavering position that seems to take place deep down inside of me - I'd say "feel" - but really, this position is beyond emotions because this position is like a seawall or a firm fort that has ocean waves with unfathomable depth and intrinsics crashing against it, over and over again, sometimes even crashing over it., but never destroying it.
- My futile attempt of an analogy of course seeks to affix the "ocean" as a symbol of my emotions.-
It is an unwavering position of perhaps.. truth, that my bewilderings emotions can't reconcile or make sense of. This "position" honestly, feels quite similar, if not completely, to the "position" that was "taking place" when I decided to take my current job back in 2018 - bewildering thoughts and emotions, circumstances, yet as how I'd always put it, "I just know deep down inside, this is what I'm supposed to do in this moment / season. I couldn't let it go... for I don't know what reason.". Similarly, I'm just feeling now, "this would have happened... anyway", no matter what I did, where I am...
Naturally, and perhaps undoubtedly, I am discouraged, sad, somewhat worried.. I'm not sure if I'm able to fully explain the reasons behind these responses or emotions even if I attempted to.
There a million thoughts that's ran my mind, none of which really hits the bull's eye, though they seem tempted to. Today's sermon about overcoming anxiety had me wondering why would God test us... In usual human relationships, testing another person is actually really offensive. If really so, then why would God who is omniscient break us, just to test us, when he knows that we absolutely can't do it without him? Why does it have to sound like a game of ego - me admitting my wrong in an extravagant manner just to experience a little more of God? It makes no sense to me right now.. Doesn't that go against love? Why would you hurt someone just to test how much they love you.... Why would His presence that has arrived, come, has to... go? Perhaps the presentation of "trials" being identified as "tests" have hit a point of banality in my life, that we miss the point...
I continue to wonder on behalf of my father, if indeed so, that if God is omnipotent and ever-present, why does he feel so far away? Why am I not well, yet? Why do I feel well today, and not, tomorrow? Why must every moment, feel like a test and a constant battle? Is my reading of the news my fault to feed myself evil? Why does it take "so much" just to grow in faith, and experience the presence of God.
As a person of faith, I know that God will take us through. It truly is so easy to profess faith and praise God when all is well. When all isn't well, how do we find strength in our faith to sustain us? Having said that, I had a brief "vision" in my head earlier where I saw myself sharing a testimony in these words... "When all is well, it is undoubtedly easy if not natural to praise the Lord. I thank God for the grace that I can stand here and praise His name even when things are not well.." It's "brief" because I stopped myself from exploring that line of thought...
Another question that arose is of course, "What if my dad dies?". My thoughts froze at that at immediate thought.
I can only say, "I am not ready, I honestly am not,". The burdens of the world just fell back on my shoulders.
Amidst all wandering thoughts, 1 stood out particularly, though not really enough in my opinion (but what do i know) - I recently heard a testimony of a couple who are leaders in church, who both lost their jobs due to Covid-19, and both gained a new job each within the span of 2 weeks. I could only think, "God takes care of us", when I heard this testimony. Something lifted from my spirit, though I feel just a little weight, not all.
I was further comforted by this testimony when I heard a friend who applied for a job during MCO, and indeed got the job that is due to start asap when she's ready. This story encourages me to think that our God is a supernatural God, a God against the odds, our God is an outlier.
I immediately shared these stories with a friend who's mildly worried about moving on to a new job but has been holding her horses due to the depressed economy. I exclaimed to her with glee that, "God takes care of us babe, God will take care of you. So don't worry, okay?"
She then naturally bounced that thought back to my circumstance - "The same God who takes care of J&J and Amy, will take care of your father. He loves your father more than you do.."
Today, there doesn't seem to be an improvement on the face of it with my dad. He told me yesterday he's managing his assets because he anticipates that he will not be able to anymore if he doesn't get better. I know he means in the nearest of future because he's been engrossed doing that, driven by fear (I assume..) today.
Previously in uni days perhaps, upon catching a point, usually, the things on earth will follow suit pretty immediately i.e. I experience social awkardness due to my real self, then I read a word that encourages being real, then I'm comforted and a social situation is resolved pretty "instantly".
Now, I seem to have a stark realization or awareness that this situation that befell my family is here to "last" for a little longer, more than a day or two, perhaps a season. But I often hold my tongue - fearing that my "enunciation" of such words amount to a false declaration. Oh such archaic laws, thank God for the blood of Jesus that has fulfilled the law.
As I churn out these thoughts regarding this situation, I realise that there's been a maturity from the years. It is true that maturity can only be experienced, once you see it, you can't unsee it. But if you've yet to see it, you'd have no idea of what it's like.
If so, the paranoid part of me wonders where this "maturity" will seek to take me? Does it seek to see me fail in my job, my family falling apart, succumbing to sickness, financial difficulties... just so that my faith will be refined in the furnace and turn gold?
In the between, in the now, I don't know what to do, what to feel. I still wish sometimes God was like a genie, that his presence is permanent, is forever lit, that comes and transcends and arrives so tangibly like how a gloomy cloud announces itself... That the line between this world and God is less succinct. In the meantime, I will try.. to continue to hope, to trust that God is in control, and 1 day it'll make sense - hopefully not at the expense of the passing of someone.. But I just gotta trust that God has mine, my dad's best interests at heart.
"When the mountains fall
And the tempest roars
You are with me
When creation folds
Still my soul will soar on Your mercy
I'll walk through the fire
With my head lifted high
And my spirit revived in Your story
And I'll look to the cross
As my failure is lost
In the light of Your glorious grace"
This song played midway as I blogged. I remember this song spoke to me back as I was broken into hinto tears when I finally, accepted in my heart and spirit, the decision to not quit law school, and return because "I will walk through the fire with my head lifted high."
Yesterday's meetup with Hailey was also encouraging. Hearing her stories where God is ever so present, although now I don't so much "envy" that my God doesn't seem to be as instant having learnt that God loves me the same, I am reminded that the same God who is ever present in her life, whose love language to her appears to me speediess + omnipresence, loves me just the same, although the love seems to be expressed quite abstractly in seasons instead. Regardless, I trust that God is watching over me, us, and speaking to us every day.
Holy Spirit, take over.
"What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near"
I'm not ready to dispute the truth of the above statements. but if any, Lord, I pray that dad will always know that You are near. Amen.
"What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise..."
I know the thought is absurd, just as it was immediately and loudly slammed by a friend when I in
The formulation of such thought is due to stories of praise I've heard where someone would have returned to his or her hometown after years abroad, and several years later when a parent's passed away, in hindsight, he'd recognize God's faithful hands through the years, and receive the a revelation that "Oh.. So that's probably why God prompted me to come home, so I could spend all these last years of my parent, together."
I couldn't help but wonder, if such was also... my fate.
My dad has been feeling unwell over the past few weeks. It is quite unprecedented, as this time, the illness took captive of his mind and spirit too. When the head of the house seems dejected, the entire family worries along, the spirit of the family members are equally grieved. It is unprecedented of my father who's always been firm in stature and character, who's the loudest extrovert in the room, who usually has no room for overthinking, negative emotions to dwell, who often looks at problems as opportunities in disguise.
This is unprecedented, because my father today, who is diagnosed as perfectly well by the doctors, panics when cold sweat trickles down his body and appears to be convinced that there is a virus in his blood that is beyond doctors. Covid-19 has yet again, launched another seemingly lethal attack, on another family.
It has been really discouraging. A silver lining that I could gather was / is, the unity of our family this crisis has brought.
As I ponder upon the past few years of my return to Malaysia with a primary intention to take care of my parents, I've been keeping count that this is the second crisis that's hit my family. A part of me wonders, is this one of those testimonies where I'd say, "Thank God I am here in closer proximity to my parents where I can afford to offer physical care, and perhaps make a difference where support is concerned"; another part of me offers a more dominant thought in that, this was actually going to happen all along.. anyway.. whether I'm home or not. I'm rather swayed that this was part of God's plan - not in the sense that He's inflicted my family with crises, but in allowing it, it's probably a part of the entire grand picture, all along.
In that sense, I find a deep, unwavering state of mind that the latter is it. And if that's the case, there's really not much I can do... if it really was all part of the Plan. It would have happened anyway.
This unwavering position that seems to take place deep down inside of me - I'd say "feel" - but really, this position is beyond emotions because this position is like a seawall or a firm fort that has ocean waves with unfathomable depth and intrinsics crashing against it, over and over again, sometimes even crashing over it., but never destroying it.
- My futile attempt of an analogy of course seeks to affix the "ocean" as a symbol of my emotions.-
It is an unwavering position of perhaps.. truth, that my bewilderings emotions can't reconcile or make sense of. This "position" honestly, feels quite similar, if not completely, to the "position" that was "taking place" when I decided to take my current job back in 2018 - bewildering thoughts and emotions, circumstances, yet as how I'd always put it, "I just know deep down inside, this is what I'm supposed to do in this moment / season. I couldn't let it go... for I don't know what reason.". Similarly, I'm just feeling now, "this would have happened... anyway", no matter what I did, where I am...
Naturally, and perhaps undoubtedly, I am discouraged, sad, somewhat worried.. I'm not sure if I'm able to fully explain the reasons behind these responses or emotions even if I attempted to.
There a million thoughts that's ran my mind, none of which really hits the bull's eye, though they seem tempted to. Today's sermon about overcoming anxiety had me wondering why would God test us... In usual human relationships, testing another person is actually really offensive. If really so, then why would God who is omniscient break us, just to test us, when he knows that we absolutely can't do it without him? Why does it have to sound like a game of ego - me admitting my wrong in an extravagant manner just to experience a little more of God? It makes no sense to me right now.. Doesn't that go against love? Why would you hurt someone just to test how much they love you.... Why would His presence that has arrived, come, has to... go? Perhaps the presentation of "trials" being identified as "tests" have hit a point of banality in my life, that we miss the point...
I continue to wonder on behalf of my father, if indeed so, that if God is omnipotent and ever-present, why does he feel so far away? Why am I not well, yet? Why do I feel well today, and not, tomorrow? Why must every moment, feel like a test and a constant battle? Is my reading of the news my fault to feed myself evil? Why does it take "so much" just to grow in faith, and experience the presence of God.
As a person of faith, I know that God will take us through. It truly is so easy to profess faith and praise God when all is well. When all isn't well, how do we find strength in our faith to sustain us? Having said that, I had a brief "vision" in my head earlier where I saw myself sharing a testimony in these words... "When all is well, it is undoubtedly easy if not natural to praise the Lord. I thank God for the grace that I can stand here and praise His name even when things are not well.." It's "brief" because I stopped myself from exploring that line of thought...
Another question that arose is of course, "What if my dad dies?". My thoughts froze at that at immediate thought.
I can only say, "I am not ready, I honestly am not,". The burdens of the world just fell back on my shoulders.
Amidst all wandering thoughts, 1 stood out particularly, though not really enough in my opinion (but what do i know) - I recently heard a testimony of a couple who are leaders in church, who both lost their jobs due to Covid-19, and both gained a new job each within the span of 2 weeks. I could only think, "God takes care of us", when I heard this testimony. Something lifted from my spirit, though I feel just a little weight, not all.
I was further comforted by this testimony when I heard a friend who applied for a job during MCO, and indeed got the job that is due to start asap when she's ready. This story encourages me to think that our God is a supernatural God, a God against the odds, our God is an outlier.
I immediately shared these stories with a friend who's mildly worried about moving on to a new job but has been holding her horses due to the depressed economy. I exclaimed to her with glee that, "God takes care of us babe, God will take care of you. So don't worry, okay?"
She then naturally bounced that thought back to my circumstance - "The same God who takes care of J&J and Amy, will take care of your father. He loves your father more than you do.."
Today, there doesn't seem to be an improvement on the face of it with my dad. He told me yesterday he's managing his assets because he anticipates that he will not be able to anymore if he doesn't get better. I know he means in the nearest of future because he's been engrossed doing that, driven by fear (I assume..) today.
Previously in uni days perhaps, upon catching a point, usually, the things on earth will follow suit pretty immediately i.e. I experience social awkardness due to my real self, then I read a word that encourages being real, then I'm comforted and a social situation is resolved pretty "instantly".
Now, I seem to have a stark realization or awareness that this situation that befell my family is here to "last" for a little longer, more than a day or two, perhaps a season. But I often hold my tongue - fearing that my "enunciation" of such words amount to a false declaration. Oh such archaic laws, thank God for the blood of Jesus that has fulfilled the law.
As I churn out these thoughts regarding this situation, I realise that there's been a maturity from the years. It is true that maturity can only be experienced, once you see it, you can't unsee it. But if you've yet to see it, you'd have no idea of what it's like.
If so, the paranoid part of me wonders where this "maturity" will seek to take me? Does it seek to see me fail in my job, my family falling apart, succumbing to sickness, financial difficulties... just so that my faith will be refined in the furnace and turn gold?
In the between, in the now, I don't know what to do, what to feel. I still wish sometimes God was like a genie, that his presence is permanent, is forever lit, that comes and transcends and arrives so tangibly like how a gloomy cloud announces itself... That the line between this world and God is less succinct. In the meantime, I will try.. to continue to hope, to trust that God is in control, and 1 day it'll make sense - hopefully not at the expense of the passing of someone.. But I just gotta trust that God has mine, my dad's best interests at heart.
"When the mountains fall
And the tempest roars
You are with me
When creation folds
Still my soul will soar on Your mercy
I'll walk through the fire
With my head lifted high
And my spirit revived in Your story
And I'll look to the cross
As my failure is lost
In the light of Your glorious grace"
This song played midway as I blogged. I remember this song spoke to me back as I was broken into hinto tears when I finally, accepted in my heart and spirit, the decision to not quit law school, and return because "I will walk through the fire with my head lifted high."
Yesterday's meetup with Hailey was also encouraging. Hearing her stories where God is ever so present, although now I don't so much "envy" that my God doesn't seem to be as instant having learnt that God loves me the same, I am reminded that the same God who is ever present in her life, whose love language to her appears to me speediess + omnipresence, loves me just the same, although the love seems to be expressed quite abstractly in seasons instead. Regardless, I trust that God is watching over me, us, and speaking to us every day.
Holy Spirit, take over.
"What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near"
I'm not ready to dispute the truth of the above statements. but if any, Lord, I pray that dad will always know that You are near. Amen.
"What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise..."
Saturday, March 21
Friday, March 20
Beauty for Ashes
 |
Previously, we had the privilege to rejoice in the prospects of recovery in spite of infection. Waking up to this news today simply means that our hopes may have been misplaced. Death is imminent, after all.
Surely, I'm taking things to the extreme. In the absence of further research and reports, nothing much could be made of this report besides capturing a further emphasis on the need to take maximum precautions, until the water gets clear.
Notwithstanding the statistics, the prevailing unchanging truth is that death is imminent.
I used to be extremely confident that until I fall in love, I have long till I die. I thought so, since one of my greatest desires simply has yet to be fulfilled, a desire I believe comes from God, God surely is not done with me. But as indicated in a previous post, my perspective on love and relationships have somewhat been "pruned". From a higher vantage point, I appreciate a conviction deposited into my heart recently that my identity is not complete until I fall in love. On a practical level, relationships succumb to the brokenness of this world and fall apart, all the time. A relationship makes or breaks one's destiny (mine & the partner's). Broken relationships leave ramifications that carry through generations, capable to hurt our children, family, friends, loved ones... My point is, my personal illusion that "love" hinders death from becoming, is effectively extinguished, for better or worse. >.<
Now that we all live in the face of death, in a virus-stricken world, what does that make of us? Do we fear in the face of adversity? Or rejoice in a prospective testimony because "with Christ in the vessel, we can smile at the storm", or do we further rejoice into eternity because "to live is Christ, to die is gain"?
If we die tomorrow, out of infliction of Covid19 or another, will we be at peace and rejoice as we finally reunite with God in heaven - where there will be no more tears, no death or sorrow, no crying, no more pain?
Will we be ready to let go of the different loads we've been carrying on earth over the past decades, including the thoughts that don't make us strong?
Will we be ready to rejoice at all that we've accomplished, be it through adversity, loss, good times or seemingly complacent and lost days?
Will we be ready to have conversations we've been withholding out of pain disguised as ego, to forgive all the unmet expectations and disappointments we've accumulated in our hearts, to let all things go and truly embrace the life we've lived as an individual?
Will we finally put our foot down and finally confront the possibility that there may no longer be a future for creases to be ironed, for hatchets to be buried, and really be honest with where we are, how we feel?
Will we finally celebrate our lives for what it is, raw and unfiltered, and celebrate the people who are currently in our lives?
Can we readily anticipate Jesus to come to and say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant" in spite of our losses and self-perceived inadequacies, where all our questions will finally make perfect sense in that instance?
"A crisis brings the best and worst out of a person."
Perhaps it's a good time for us to reevaluate our lives and our priorities, to re-evaluate what we live for. As the world now forces us to live in solitude (of varying degrees), what could God be saying to us at this moment? If we're grounded at home with our loved ones, what is God intending for our time together with our loved ones? If we find ourselves alone in this season of self-quarantine, what could God intend for our personal solitude?
What is God revealing to us through this crisis? What is God stirring in our hearts in such challenging times? What is God's heart for the people around us who are hurting and directly or indirectly inflicted by this crisis? What could God possibly intend for such a devasting crisis inflicted upon the world?
Through faith, we can know with confidence that "all things work for the good of those who love Him". Through faith, we know that God is working even when we don't feel it or see it.
Death or not, imagine us all arriving with answers to all these fundamental questions with a greater clarity of who we are, who we want to be, who we can be and who God is.... I can only imagine the world to truly be a better place when this crisis finally, and actually, departs us, only for the world to hopefully be re-populated by humans emerging with fresh sense of identity, purpose, humanity.
Regardless of what happens, we can take comfort in knowing that although "here on earth we will have many trials and sorrows, but we can take heart, because Jesus has overcome the world.” He is with us, He is for us.
Everyone needs a Denise!
Thank You Denise, for everything :)
You mean the world to me!
I know I terribly said before that I was not a "best-friend" kinda person,
but if I were, I think it's probably because of you :)
<3
Thursday, March 19
Though through the valley of death, You are with me.
"Do what that brings you peace, what that fuels your passion.."
It's ironic that my days are primarily threatened by anxiety, inadequacy, low self-esteem, lack of joy, desperate yearns of breaking into passion, environmental-induced introversion, passiveness, pensiveness which subconsciously culminate into tighter wrestles of faith each time... No doubt, if any, these manifestations merely allude to different facets of me that needs to be moulded, sharpened, dealt with by God...
I used to feel so uncomfortable for feeling all this discomfort. These days I realise most days they feel normal. Coming across an old post-it saying, "Don't normalize the abnormal" have supposedly triggered these thoughts...
On some lucky days when I'd be sufficiently present to have caught a line or two from the tv playing in the background, I'd find myself ponder simultaneously with the orator in that moment "I have never felt so alive.." before finding myself having quickly exited back into the undefined enigmatic yet bleak world of random thoughts that don't go anywhere... wondering.. when was the last time I'd felt alive.... My thoughts continue to be stars I cannot fathom into constellations, but this saying seems too euphemistic to describe this lost and threatening i-dont-know that i find myself spiralling in.
Yet, the genuine silver lining is as far as I wander, rebel, lose myself through the distance across the entire circumference, grace ties me down to the center, never allowing me to wander beyond the radius, ever. Grace catches me, faith is my anchor to keep me going, literally, every day. Faith, that my lacklustre life will pick up colours in time; faith, that it will make sense one day; faith, that my life is not wasted by being so lost; faith, that conventional wisdom don't define me; faith, that God's love is so deep and relentless that it continues to crashes over me - even when I don't feel it; faith, that as long as I am alive, God's will for my life is not done; faith, that "you've kept track of all my wandering and my weeping"; faith, that his favour, mercy, grace continue to cover me like a shield, every day; faith, that there must be more than this...
faith, that God "is no less God within the shadows, no less faithful when the night leads me astray".
Previously, I had gone through a season where I finally understood what it meant to be "numb", it's simply everything yet nothing at the same time. These days I find myself breaking into weird fits of tears... It's somewhat grudging, full of moans, groans, chokes for air, and lots of wrenching of the gut and abdomen, and curling up. At the first or second occurrence, i thought it'd probably make sense as it appears to be a release of bottled up emotions. Soon after, it no longer makes sense. I don't understand it.. And I don't fancy that I no longer have control over things, am no longer able to make sense of things, and this disability to do the same persists into something I worry I grow used to till I lose my sense altogether and lose the ability to recognize the same... I'd hate to be complacent in ignorance that I can't even recognize... Amidst these weird but lesser choke-ups now, I recognize a subtle sense of lightness seeping in and joy fragments here and there... I think.. that I'm going to be okay..... :)
This past year and a half has been tremendous. I feel that so much has happened within me internally, concepts, ideas, belief systems are challenged and perhaps even changed, for better or worse. My ideas on love, family, religion, life, God, identity, have been tested and shaken. It doesn't help that I feel that I suck at my work every, day. I detest that my identity is so closely attached to my work, but I thank God for the grace that allows me to recognize it. I won't say that mere recognition solves the issue, I still struggle to see more of God at work, and I pray that that will happen in time. This life, is Yours after all, Lord. I am but a vessel.
Being weighed down by all these i-dont-knows really challenge my motivation all the time, but I also thank God that sometimes I'm reminded out of nowhere of a Great Big Picture of the world, that I have genuine desires and dreams for, and the insecurities I feel about my work, my life would almost immediately pale in comparison, and I can lift my chin up and get on with life again... although with pursed lips most times, but slowly but surely...
My prayer is that even as I feel like I'm thrown at all sides by just sitting down here, "cruising" through my monotonous nonsensical life patterns, as I wish that I was better, every day, God, You're in control, that God, You'll finish what You've started in - me.
..
A random post this is.. but please, just bear with me hey...? :)
xx
It's ironic that my days are primarily threatened by anxiety, inadequacy, low self-esteem, lack of joy, desperate yearns of breaking into passion, environmental-induced introversion, passiveness, pensiveness which subconsciously culminate into tighter wrestles of faith each time... No doubt, if any, these manifestations merely allude to different facets of me that needs to be moulded, sharpened, dealt with by God...
I used to feel so uncomfortable for feeling all this discomfort. These days I realise most days they feel normal. Coming across an old post-it saying, "Don't normalize the abnormal" have supposedly triggered these thoughts...
On some lucky days when I'd be sufficiently present to have caught a line or two from the tv playing in the background, I'd find myself ponder simultaneously with the orator in that moment "I have never felt so alive.." before finding myself having quickly exited back into the undefined enigmatic yet bleak world of random thoughts that don't go anywhere... wondering.. when was the last time I'd felt alive.... My thoughts continue to be stars I cannot fathom into constellations, but this saying seems too euphemistic to describe this lost and threatening i-dont-know that i find myself spiralling in.
Yet, the genuine silver lining is as far as I wander, rebel, lose myself through the distance across the entire circumference, grace ties me down to the center, never allowing me to wander beyond the radius, ever. Grace catches me, faith is my anchor to keep me going, literally, every day. Faith, that my lacklustre life will pick up colours in time; faith, that it will make sense one day; faith, that my life is not wasted by being so lost; faith, that conventional wisdom don't define me; faith, that God's love is so deep and relentless that it continues to crashes over me - even when I don't feel it; faith, that as long as I am alive, God's will for my life is not done; faith, that "you've kept track of all my wandering and my weeping"; faith, that his favour, mercy, grace continue to cover me like a shield, every day; faith, that there must be more than this...
faith, that God "is no less God within the shadows, no less faithful when the night leads me astray".
Previously, I had gone through a season where I finally understood what it meant to be "numb", it's simply everything yet nothing at the same time. These days I find myself breaking into weird fits of tears... It's somewhat grudging, full of moans, groans, chokes for air, and lots of wrenching of the gut and abdomen, and curling up. At the first or second occurrence, i thought it'd probably make sense as it appears to be a release of bottled up emotions. Soon after, it no longer makes sense. I don't understand it.. And I don't fancy that I no longer have control over things, am no longer able to make sense of things, and this disability to do the same persists into something I worry I grow used to till I lose my sense altogether and lose the ability to recognize the same... I'd hate to be complacent in ignorance that I can't even recognize... Amidst these weird but lesser choke-ups now, I recognize a subtle sense of lightness seeping in and joy fragments here and there... I think.. that I'm going to be okay..... :)
This past year and a half has been tremendous. I feel that so much has happened within me internally, concepts, ideas, belief systems are challenged and perhaps even changed, for better or worse. My ideas on love, family, religion, life, God, identity, have been tested and shaken. It doesn't help that I feel that I suck at my work every, day. I detest that my identity is so closely attached to my work, but I thank God for the grace that allows me to recognize it. I won't say that mere recognition solves the issue, I still struggle to see more of God at work, and I pray that that will happen in time. This life, is Yours after all, Lord. I am but a vessel.
Being weighed down by all these i-dont-knows really challenge my motivation all the time, but I also thank God that sometimes I'm reminded out of nowhere of a Great Big Picture of the world, that I have genuine desires and dreams for, and the insecurities I feel about my work, my life would almost immediately pale in comparison, and I can lift my chin up and get on with life again... although with pursed lips most times, but slowly but surely...
My prayer is that even as I feel like I'm thrown at all sides by just sitting down here, "cruising" through my monotonous nonsensical life patterns, as I wish that I was better, every day, God, You're in control, that God, You'll finish what You've started in - me.
..
A random post this is.. but please, just bear with me hey...? :)
xx
Friday, December 13
More than just nostalgia...
This picture brought tears to my eyes today...
Father, Father, I know that You have not forsaken me...
Oh, what do I do?
Where have I gone?
What am I to do?
Oh Lord.
Take over...
-
I can't wait to finally take a break. :)
It's gonna be good.
I'll
The concept of "lost time" will be invalidated for just that... 10 days. Maybe 8...
It'll be good.
I'll
I'll have time to search deep for You again Lord.
In that moment, Father, I pray, that You will grant me with your fresh spirit, encounter.
I pray that You will speak to me.
If going back to a place that's familiar is what's required, then I permit You to nudge at me from my past through nostalgia to grasp my attention.
Whatever it takes Lord.
I love You, Lord.
Thursday, October 31
Work.
https://ymi.today/2019/10/when-i-was-blindly-chasing-my-boss-approval/
-
-
WHEN I WAS BLINDLY CHASING MY BOSS’ APPROVAL
Iwatched intently as a group of HR staff handed out certificates and a small gift to the month’s outstanding worker. A small part of me hoped they would stop by my desk. But alas, after years of waiting, it never happened.
However, I was not going to let a monthly award program get in the way of me gaining the big prize, which in my eyes, was to be awarded the “exceeds expectations” grading in my annual performance review. Needless to say, I spent a huge amount of time trying to be the best employee there ever was in my department. I accepted assignments despite my growing workload, did overtime without complaining, and found ways to support both the marketing and buying team, each time thinking my efforts would catch my bosses’ attention.
So, imagine my disappointment when, after three years in my role, I failed to achieve the “exceeds expectations” grade, sitting on “meets expectations” instead, which was one rank beneath.
So, imagine my disappointment when, after three years in my role, I failed to achieve the “exceeds expectations” grade, sitting on “meets expectations” instead, which was one rank beneath.
Recently, a year after leaving the company and moving overseas for a different opportunity, I learned the workmate who took over my role was given “exceeds expectations”. A part of me died when the news reached my ears. Learning of her superior rating left me dissatisfied, and a strong sense of injustice washed over me.
“I worked my tail off too, putting in hours of work. What did she do that was different?” I thought. And in my opinion, she was a little hard to like. She enjoyed trumpeting her own successes (often within earshot of our managers), and wouldn’t think twice of spreading news about other people’s mistakes and failings. Thinking that a person like her would be able to attain the very grade I was hankering after made me envious.
Yes, I was one unhappy employee. But the incident saw a train of questions rolling through my head: Why was I so hung up over men’s reward systems? What does “meets” and “exceeds expectations” really mean in the larger scheme of things? Will it guarantee me a nicer, sweeter spot in Heaven? Would God say to me at the end of my life, “Well done, Michele, for achieving exceeds expectations in your annual work review”? Surely not!
Reflecting on these questions had me questioning the whys behind my work ethic.
Serving Our Earthly Bosses vs Serving God
You see, when I was working my tail off finishing every assignment, I did it because I really wanted my managers to approve of me (and also with hopes they wouldn’t think of laying me off should the company find itself in an economic jam). But along the way, I had forgotten that the one person who is truly worthy of my wholehearted service is God.
Ephesians 6:5-8 says we are to:
obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as we would obey Christ. Obey them not only to win their favor when their eye is on you, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart. Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people, because you know that the Lord will reward each one for whatever good they do, whether they are slaves or free.
A huge uh-oh moment sunk in when I read the verse as I realized that my intentions, while good, were misguided.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with giving our best at work, but working for God requires a greater sacrifice and commitment than working for our earthly bosses. For instance, with our bosses, it’s easy to pretend we are enjoying the extra tasks set before us even though we are disliking every minute of it. But as it says in Ephesians 6:5, we are to work with “sincerity of heart”, and I believe that this means not complaining behind our managers’ backs about our bulging inboxes or the unfair workload allocations (but bring it up with your manager, if you must).
When my eyes fell on the line “because you know the Lord will reward each one for whatever good they do,” I realized I should be looking to Him instead for my reward. Even if our workmates around us have no issues blowing their own trumpets, or openly complaining about their struggles, I think God would want me to soldier on quietly, and with integrity (not nipping out for extended coffee breaks or mindlessly watching YouTube videos when I should be working), even though my hard work might go unnoticed.
“Well Done, Good and Faithful Servant”
Ephesians 6:5-8 also helped me see that even when our earthly bosses may overlook us for a promotion or sweep our achievements under the carpet, God sees and judges everything, and He is a fair and just Person who does not change like shifting shadows (Psalm 25:8, James 1:17).
However, as a “slave of Christ”, the expectations He has for me are quite different from my employer’s, which are more about converting sales and meeting deadlines. I think if God were to map out my KPI (Key Performance Indicators), they would include loving my colleagues when they are insufferable (John 13:34-35), not giving in even when I am dying to pass on a delicious gossip (Ephesians 4:29), and honoring others (Romans 12:10)—to name a few.
I think if God were to map out my KPI (Key Performance Indicators), they would include loving my colleagues when they are insufferable (John 13:34-35), not giving in even when I am dying to pass on a delicious gossip (Ephesians 4:29), and honoring others (Romans 12:10)—to name a few.
And when work gets challenging and unfair, I believe God would want me to persevere (James 1:12), and to continue showing up for work every day with a positive attitude, ready to do good even when it gets hard (Galatians 6:9). I also know that God would not want me coveting my workmate’s performance review or her pay increase.
Doing the above can seem so dull and laborious. What fun is there in toiling if you can’t at least tell everyone what you’ve done? Why bother with integrity when everyone around you is taking long lunch breaks and watching funny cat videos on repeat? But as Christians, we are called to a higher standard, and we are “to do everything without complaining or arguing, so that we may be blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and perverse generation, in which we shine as lights in the world” (Philippians 2:15).
Identifying the different work standards I have been called to has made me realize that the temporal things I crave and chase aren’t as important to Him as how I’m treating those around me or conducting myself when no one else is looking. The “exceeds expectations” grade that I desired so much would pale in comparison to the reward of hearing the words, “Well done, good and faithful servant” at the end of my service on earth.
And that’s a goal worth aiming for.
Tuesday, October 15
Monday, September 9
Friday, August 30
Wednesday, May 29
Today, the wrestle with anxiety, is, fierce.
The spirit of anxiety, is so, oppressive, as it threatens to keep me separated from the liberation and freedom of my God, and keep me loomed in the dark as if light was nowhere to be found, all buried and overshadowed by the overwhelming darkness.
I may have been fooled once, which resulted in me falling on my knees and forehead on the floor, tears hesistantly flowing due to the tension between desperate hope and fear clouded with menacing skepticism, begging for God to perform a miracle just to liberate me from the suffocation of the moment, only to pick myself back up with my own strength, wiping the tears that barely flowed from my face, and felt as if I was cheated of my core belief system all these years throughout my existence.
But I shall not be fooled again. Even as I went through the motion, I was nowhere close to thinking that my God doesn't exist. (praise God for that). It felt oppressive still, but more like I knew I was going through a motion, I knew it'd pass, I knew I had to do something about it, I even had a wishful thinking of living life separate from my emotions - because I knew / know, that my emotions don't define my experience, nor me. I looked forward to doing devotion after my shower (albeit endless sidetracks/manifestations of anxiety coping mechanism), because I knew that it meant war, and it'd be combatted for sure, notwithstanding my emotions. I was yearning for a breakthrough and deep down was actually curious and highly inquisitive and anticipative as to how God was gonna take me through this tumultuous journey this time around. I had thoughts of victory as I conquer this fight in the days to come and when my experience becomes relevant and supportive of another person's. I really wanted to sleep to shut my mind so that it'd stop thinking or project self-harming thoughts, but I knew I shouldn't resort to the same method of escapism which I inadvertently committed myself with before. A part of me dreaded seeing the cliche verses or quotes on Instagram as the anxious millennial mind took over me and I scrolled endlessly for something yet for nothing at the same time.
I finally brought myself out of bed and randomly opening my blog again. I read the old stuff, felt inspired and lol, ridiciously jealous of the seemingly 'ardent' journey I went on previously. I so automatically compared my current state of mind / spirituality and wondered, "Dang, what happened to you?", immediately I thought again, "man, I can't believe you became one of them - who looked back retrospectively from the future, and wondered what and how it happened... You became one of them," I truly wondered in genuine fear whether I'd be able to "revert" to the ways, mind and heart of old again. In the same moment, I even managed to bring myself to grieve over this loss that I thought I was experiencing.
Yet, another part of me, faintly smiled with pursed lips on the inside knowing that because God is faithful, good and consistent (unlike me), my current journey is not condemning, shameful or worthless, to say the least. I can only rise higher than my current spiral of chaos, rise higher into bridging that gap between heaven and earth. I can only grow deeper into knowing and being acquinted with what His grace, love, sustenance means all over again. It reminds me of what Dr Vinod shared at homes and what Eld Ken Yiak shared before, "God challenges you only for more of His heart, never less."
As such, I have hope as I go through this season.
At one point of tonight, my mind brought me back to a picture of Israel that I literally, stepped foot on, and somewhat I felt a hint of this unspeakable subtle joy as well as peace, being assured that my God is real. If He chose Israel / the Israelites, and Israel 24/7 screams of His supernaturality and speechless beauty, as I shared my takeaway then, I know that the same good, God who planned for Jesus to die for us on the cross in Israel so that we can have free access to Him, is the same God wherever we are, same God for Malaysia, for this little space I'm inhabiting where it sometimes, seems impossible to reconcile God with (wearing this inferior and developing-Asian-world mentality :P). The thought of that gives me joy, hope, and peace. And surpassing peace - that reaffirms my truth and conviction, that God is real and is with me in that (and this) very moment.
xx "Coincidentally", I've also been hearing the Red Sea miracle recurringly over the past few days / weeks. Yesterday, I shared with some friends and family the passage I came across that morning, Psalm 77 where David laments and cries, wondering if God has chosen to turn His back against Him.. Yet the passage continues with David, in spite of going through that motion of defeated and broken mentality, being persuaded by the memory of God's miracle in the past. One of the examples David raised, was God's parting of the Red Sea, where God said himself, "Your path is through the great waters; where no man has seen, and the footprints of God were not visible," I don't fully understand the last part about the footprints of God, but the rest of the verse just spoke earthquakes into the mountains inside my heart.
Today, as I felt so vividly in my brain and even in the express thought of, "Wow.. today, I think today.. is when I can firmly admit that I struggle with anxiety...." Man, anxiety is so threatening, oppressive and crippling. But right after that thought, another thought sought to reconcile the Red Sea principle, "What if this 'anxiety' is your Red Sea, and God is leading you to it, into it, and then He'll create and carve a way out from within the anxiety itself and part the Red Seas for you," "Perhaps God is helping you to overcome it by leading you in and through it, facing it head-on..."
Though I still wore my constipated face on the outside, I let out a sigh of "fear" and mild relief at the same time that God is working. I used to attribute challenges to lack of devotion, until I learnt that challenges are never far from the "devoted", perhaps even close sometimes, if not certainly inevitable, right after you have an encounter with Jesus. That the challenge comes to threaten your growth with the intention of suppressing it.
I did ask for more of God, perhaps this is the challenge after the encounter., the one step closer..
The spirit of anxiety, is so, oppressive, as it threatens to keep me separated from the liberation and freedom of my God, and keep me loomed in the dark as if light was nowhere to be found, all buried and overshadowed by the overwhelming darkness.
I may have been fooled once, which resulted in me falling on my knees and forehead on the floor, tears hesistantly flowing due to the tension between desperate hope and fear clouded with menacing skepticism, begging for God to perform a miracle just to liberate me from the suffocation of the moment, only to pick myself back up with my own strength, wiping the tears that barely flowed from my face, and felt as if I was cheated of my core belief system all these years throughout my existence.
But I shall not be fooled again. Even as I went through the motion, I was nowhere close to thinking that my God doesn't exist. (praise God for that). It felt oppressive still, but more like I knew I was going through a motion, I knew it'd pass, I knew I had to do something about it, I even had a wishful thinking of living life separate from my emotions - because I knew / know, that my emotions don't define my experience, nor me. I looked forward to doing devotion after my shower (albeit endless sidetracks/manifestations of anxiety coping mechanism), because I knew that it meant war, and it'd be combatted for sure, notwithstanding my emotions. I was yearning for a breakthrough and deep down was actually curious and highly inquisitive and anticipative as to how God was gonna take me through this tumultuous journey this time around. I had thoughts of victory as I conquer this fight in the days to come and when my experience becomes relevant and supportive of another person's. I really wanted to sleep to shut my mind so that it'd stop thinking or project self-harming thoughts, but I knew I shouldn't resort to the same method of escapism which I inadvertently committed myself with before. A part of me dreaded seeing the cliche verses or quotes on Instagram as the anxious millennial mind took over me and I scrolled endlessly for something yet for nothing at the same time.
I finally brought myself out of bed and randomly opening my blog again. I read the old stuff, felt inspired and lol, ridiciously jealous of the seemingly 'ardent' journey I went on previously. I so automatically compared my current state of mind / spirituality and wondered, "Dang, what happened to you?", immediately I thought again, "man, I can't believe you became one of them - who looked back retrospectively from the future, and wondered what and how it happened... You became one of them," I truly wondered in genuine fear whether I'd be able to "revert" to the ways, mind and heart of old again. In the same moment, I even managed to bring myself to grieve over this loss that I thought I was experiencing.
Yet, another part of me, faintly smiled with pursed lips on the inside knowing that because God is faithful, good and consistent (unlike me), my current journey is not condemning, shameful or worthless, to say the least. I can only rise higher than my current spiral of chaos, rise higher into bridging that gap between heaven and earth. I can only grow deeper into knowing and being acquinted with what His grace, love, sustenance means all over again. It reminds me of what Dr Vinod shared at homes and what Eld Ken Yiak shared before, "God challenges you only for more of His heart, never less."
As such, I have hope as I go through this season.
At one point of tonight, my mind brought me back to a picture of Israel that I literally, stepped foot on, and somewhat I felt a hint of this unspeakable subtle joy as well as peace, being assured that my God is real. If He chose Israel / the Israelites, and Israel 24/7 screams of His supernaturality and speechless beauty, as I shared my takeaway then, I know that the same good, God who planned for Jesus to die for us on the cross in Israel so that we can have free access to Him, is the same God wherever we are, same God for Malaysia, for this little space I'm inhabiting where it sometimes, seems impossible to reconcile God with (wearing this inferior and developing-Asian-world mentality :P). The thought of that gives me joy, hope, and peace. And surpassing peace - that reaffirms my truth and conviction, that God is real and is with me in that (and this) very moment.
xx "Coincidentally", I've also been hearing the Red Sea miracle recurringly over the past few days / weeks. Yesterday, I shared with some friends and family the passage I came across that morning, Psalm 77 where David laments and cries, wondering if God has chosen to turn His back against Him.. Yet the passage continues with David, in spite of going through that motion of defeated and broken mentality, being persuaded by the memory of God's miracle in the past. One of the examples David raised, was God's parting of the Red Sea, where God said himself, "Your path is through the great waters; where no man has seen, and the footprints of God were not visible," I don't fully understand the last part about the footprints of God, but the rest of the verse just spoke earthquakes into the mountains inside my heart.
Today, as I felt so vividly in my brain and even in the express thought of, "Wow.. today, I think today.. is when I can firmly admit that I struggle with anxiety...." Man, anxiety is so threatening, oppressive and crippling. But right after that thought, another thought sought to reconcile the Red Sea principle, "What if this 'anxiety' is your Red Sea, and God is leading you to it, into it, and then He'll create and carve a way out from within the anxiety itself and part the Red Seas for you," "Perhaps God is helping you to overcome it by leading you in and through it, facing it head-on..."
Though I still wore my constipated face on the outside, I let out a sigh of "fear" and mild relief at the same time that God is working. I used to attribute challenges to lack of devotion, until I learnt that challenges are never far from the "devoted", perhaps even close sometimes, if not certainly inevitable, right after you have an encounter with Jesus. That the challenge comes to threaten your growth with the intention of suppressing it.
I did ask for more of God, perhaps this is the challenge after the encounter., the one step closer..
Friday, March 22
Wednesday, October 3
traveller
Oh, the struggles of reconciling my different worlds from the different seasons of my past...
How my heart aches for Bristol this one second as I speak to friends from Bristol...
Then I'm back to conversing with my KK buddy & another world flashes by in my mind...
Then I'm right here physically in a place I called home for a few years back then, so as I hang out with people from then, it feels like home for a while..
Then I'm reminded where I'm literally, physically, at - staying ay my cousin's doing a new job, inchoating my career, and suddenly so many things are different..
Then I'm caught by my reality of needing to open up my life to escort more things into it! new friends, new opportunities..
And I'm reminded to be fully present, to be open to the endless opportunities & experiences that God wants me to experience right here, right now.
I'm challenged to fully immerse myself in my physical reality, & not be divided across the different realities that the virtual world take me on, or dwell in the realities of my memories...
Such challenge, such reality, world.
Oh my heart..
How can my faint heart take it?
Slight confusion, but above all, my heart is full
I am grateful
Above all, I know that You are good.
I have confidence
I have peace.
Above all, there's no one else for me.
None but You.
I love You.
How my heart aches for Bristol this one second as I speak to friends from Bristol...
Then I'm back to conversing with my KK buddy & another world flashes by in my mind...
Then I'm right here physically in a place I called home for a few years back then, so as I hang out with people from then, it feels like home for a while..
Then I'm reminded where I'm literally, physically, at - staying ay my cousin's doing a new job, inchoating my career, and suddenly so many things are different..
Then I'm caught by my reality of needing to open up my life to escort more things into it! new friends, new opportunities..
And I'm reminded to be fully present, to be open to the endless opportunities & experiences that God wants me to experience right here, right now.
I'm challenged to fully immerse myself in my physical reality, & not be divided across the different realities that the virtual world take me on, or dwell in the realities of my memories...
Such challenge, such reality, world.
Oh my heart..
How can my faint heart take it?
Slight confusion, but above all, my heart is full
I am grateful
Above all, I know that You are good.
I have confidence
I have peace.
Above all, there's no one else for me.
None but You.
I love You.
Monday, June 4
Rejection - in a broken world
And then I'm reminded of the times where Jesus was taken for granted...
When even people from his homeland ridiculed him, questioned him, mocked and scorned at him...
For what?
For all that He was doing for the world, they chose not to believe.
He never sinned.
I feel that I don't deserve judgment from people regarding things I didn't do wrong, things in fact done with good intention but misunderstood & misperceived as idk what.
But, neither did Jesus... Neither did He deserve any of the by-product of the brokenness of the world.
Sure, it feels - unfair, uncalled for, unnecessary...
But neither did Jesus deserve all the unkind things this world warrants.
-
1 Peter 4:13 Instead, be very glad--for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world.
-
1 Peter 2:21-25 For to this you were called, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving an example for you to follow in his steps. 2:22 He committed no sin nor was deceit found in his mouth. 2:23 When he was maligned, he did not answer back; when he suffered, he threatened no retaliation, but committed himself to God who judges justly. 2:24 He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we may cease from sinning and live for righteousness. By his wounds you were healed.
-
Praise to the God of All Comfort
2 Corinthians 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
When even people from his homeland ridiculed him, questioned him, mocked and scorned at him...
For what?
For all that He was doing for the world, they chose not to believe.
He never sinned.
I feel that I don't deserve judgment from people regarding things I didn't do wrong, things in fact done with good intention but misunderstood & misperceived as idk what.
But, neither did Jesus... Neither did He deserve any of the by-product of the brokenness of the world.
Sure, it feels - unfair, uncalled for, unnecessary...
But neither did Jesus deserve all the unkind things this world warrants.
-
1 Peter 4:13 Instead, be very glad--for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world.
-
1 Peter 2:21-25 For to this you were called, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving an example for you to follow in his steps. 2:22 He committed no sin nor was deceit found in his mouth. 2:23 When he was maligned, he did not answer back; when he suffered, he threatened no retaliation, but committed himself to God who judges justly. 2:24 He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we may cease from sinning and live for righteousness. By his wounds you were healed.
-
Praise to the God of All Comfort
2 Corinthians 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
Take heart, for He has overcome the world.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)