short

 today, i've been so short, and entitled.  ugh the latter is one of my least favourite word in the dictionary and i can't believe (my pride) identify, myself! ughhh

my exchange with JD over the weekend tho came as nostalgic, but rings true til today. it's when im with my family that my ugliest unravels.

leftovers from dinner have always been purposed for my work lunch - to my great (conceited) advantage - i save money, yay! last night's lunch consist of pork ribs - not a fan, so i told mum i didn't want it for lunch. but being a leftover, if not lunch, it'd go to the bin. mum mildly "pleaded" to just bring for lunch. i reluctantly agreed, and did nth but left it to my mum to clean up after us when dinner ended. i knew we didn't have enough rice to bring for lunch, cuz i was on rice duty in prep for dinner. this morning when i awoke to find a small clump of rice with 1 pork rib & few pieces of vege - i was enraged, thinking that on top of my earlier disappointment of a smoothie-less morning due to my own forgetfulness from bringing back my blender (which i tried to blame my mum for throwing the other substitute bottle cuz she thought it looked gross) - i just lost it. part of me thought "mum how is this a proper lunch for me", while i wrestled with other tensions within that goes deeper (that more likely is the cause of the misbehavior)  thinking "i'd have to spend money for lunch today" and then there's money issues, there's my morning lateness issue which added to my aggression, my wrestle with tryna make it with morning devotion, the leftover effect from my late night coffee which i *clearly* knew was a bad idea, there's a part of me which have yet to process my anxiety as i delivered work to my boss last night at 830pm after having told her at 115pm that i'll revert shortly and my insecurity interrogates me on why i take so long to work, the passive aggression towards my family as I've been reading "Educated" and feelign the tension of my desires dreams vs my reality, and to make things "worse", my parents didn't think i look nice in my outfit (which offended my vanity) lmao. I took a deep breath, grumbled and left... 

only to immediately find myself in the stark realisation of how selfish and mean, i am.

so much for the excitement of hanging out with my friends tonight whom i think appreciate me for being a nice enough person, i'm a hypocrite and a monster at home. the stark contrast of my behaviour, even i myself struggle to reconcile.

i feel terrible, contrite and i pray for forgiveness.

thankfully for JMC podcasts, i'm slowly learning to be more open with going through life with the exposure of our shadow sides (or more rightly put, our ugly monsters) without succumbing to defeat and shame each time - for there is a gift in every experience (if we know where to look), and such is the journey of being made (refined, moulded) into His image every day... it's important for us to have a space (community/home) for our ugly monsterheads to unravel yet safe and gracious enough to hold us through these moments and loving enough to love us through our growth from that to another person of higher character. for that, i'm thankful for my family, my job, my church.. 

all that said, i'm not tryna justify my actions or find excuses for my shortcomings (literally). i pray this will drive me into greater urgency to truly set aside 1h everynight before bed to process my day/being/life (to shake off my entitlement arghugghhh) before the presence of God (and ofcourse the 1h everymorning before my day starts) so i don't carry this to another day (where people underservingly get the less of me).

i thank God for the opportunity to do life, with Him.