Moving forward...

So I'm back to blog about yesterday! mm mmm. Okay, so I woke up around 11, went for Pan Mee breakfast with the parents, drove ma dad around for work - office, Kolombong, bank.. whew I was starting to feel a tee bit of how working can get taxing, just a teeeee biit. Then drove to and fro Donggongon to pick up lil Ben, and went to Suria to pick ohana up. Went to makan BKT, lol, they had such interesting stories to tell :) It was interesting enough when they came to my car holding a plant lit up with Christmas lights, but yeah, their stories are even cooler X) Stayed home for the night, I suppose..

Today, stayed home for the earlier part of the day, called firms and then had to prepare my digital certs for the interview tomorrow. Lol felt so stupid at the phone call, but its all cools. Went to City Mall, bumped into Mum, lol haven't seen that wide smile of hers in a while.. And all it takes, was just one simple coincidence :P I should fake this more often next time hehe. Then went to ZenQ to meet with ze mooters, which was followed by dinner at Lucy's Kitchen, then sent the peepos back. Ravs taught me side parking! It was a great day indeed :)

Been meaning to post this, but, I guess I gotta admit that I had a lil bit of a difficult time in accepting that the high school year was wow, 3 years ago. It's so crazy. So so so crazy. Back in 2013, always thinking about 2012 didn't seem that irrational, it was perfectly legit and well justified. In 2014, since first half of it was A-Levels, it felt like it was okay to reminisce about 2012 as well. It wasn't till when 2015 really crept in, that wow, it doesn't feel as right to just constantly hang on to the memories of 2012.

It is so, crazy.

These two (say whut?!) years seemed to have flashed by in a whirlwind, I can hardly track down what's happened.. It's always seemed like 2012 was just a while ago, instead of 2 friggin years when the best times in 2012 only lasted for a short few months. Never knew that what happened then could still cause me to linger on for years, which in turn cause these 2 years to feel so non-existent. And again, it's so crazy..

I completed A-levels - the journey was kray kray, and throughout, half of my heart was left holding on to 2012 memories, whereas the other half was put to test and trials, but in the end (2014), it came out looking all solid and tough, all set to move on the leave the unpleasant past behind. All was well, it was okay, not that amazing things happened and caused my heart to instantly revive, but my heart decided to take another route, and things just slowly fell into place, socially. I remember, in March, I was struggling with self-discovery, lost in so many thoughts that seem to contradict one another, and it went on without an end, and went home feeling all anxious, restless, annoyed and ended up at a coffee shop, pouring my tremendous nonsensical thoughts over cicak, only to hear her say, "Chris, you need to go to church.."

A2 trials was crazy, exam preps were crazy too, and then there were the scholarship applications and exams were just... taxing and draining. So relieved that exams were over, the next obstacle to face - was to decide where to go, what to do, and just crossing my fingers for a golden ticket (scholarship). Well, that didn't happen, so I packed my bags and went back home for 2 and a half months. Second week in, I met someone who spoke into my life and instilled a sense of reassurance in me, that I was gonna be okay, God is watching over me, and just take a chill pill.. Towards July, I built a new friendship with a buddy (matata), and got my heart skipping unusual beats for a change. That ended, and then it was time for uni. Anxious but excited, I left home for a whole new adventure.

Took me quite some time to settle down, ease my heart (but super grateful for the support group around me, esp the lil one, thou it always seems insignificant to you, but its ok lol). Things were looking ok, then plummeted, at the 'worst' timing, when exams were just two weeks away. My heart was torn, but also grateful for people who took time to hear me out, and lemme go all waterworks looking all ugly :p, and also were so encouraged by Joel Osteen's messages which never fail to inspire me. For I know God is good, and He has a divine purpose for me, I'm ok, and and I will be :)

I've learnt that in difficult situations, by expecting things to change is good motivation to move on, it's only the truth. However, I realised that I could have been looking at the wrong context all along. I suppose my definition of things turning around, was to have the direct opposite of what's been happening to happen. But what it really is, is instead a change of attitude, a change of heart towards the situation. That way, even when these unpleasant situations occur, we will not be crushed. I suppose, when trials come, we shouldn't remain stagnant and just wishing things will go away or the direct contrary should happen - life isn't full of sunshines and rainbows. But rather, true growth comes when even the same shiz happen, we've been built stronger, to brave these trials, and ready to battle on another level.

On the last day of exams, which fell out of the 'ideal fantasy-like' expectations, I decided to take responsibility of my feelings, and chose to decide what should affect me, and what should not. I was reminded to not just keep my walls up, but to guard my mind, and take control of my emotions. I thought it was a big stepping stone.

Saying and declaring it at the moment, always seemed very ambitious and eager, however I should not be surprised that to rise up stronger, it is not easy. It is not. I should know this, and choose to persevere through it nevertheless. Hence, birthday feels and all should be normal. But I should be stronger. I should be more persistent. I should, and I will, because I can.

Right now, I'm gonna decide to let go of the past - not in the way to wipe my past clean, but to let memories remain as memories, and just release control of the future, and just live in the moment, don't look into the rearview mirror.

The best things in life often come unexpected. I never expected us to get along, this way. Never expected us to connect so well. Gosh, this kinda connection is once in a lifetime thing. Never expected this familia thing to feel so warm and loving. Never expected the hen to be so nice, fun, warm and 'loving'. Never expected for these to last even after we thought they wouldnt. All these were unexpected. That's what made them great... So great, and so precious, and so delightable, so grateful, and felt so undeservingly rewarded..

Thereon, I've learnt that once you've put in enough effort, even a lil more than what's conventionally done, it's time to release control and let go. And move on - by living in the present. And that it's okay. Don't have to be upset about it. Everything has a season. Not many things are meant to last a lifetime. So it's okay, and just embrace it while it lasts.

:)

For me though, once you've touched my life, you'll always, always (usually) (unless we have a fallout or smth) have a really special place in my heart. Even if we're not close anymore/at the moment, Chris, it's okay. :)

< 3 Jesus loves you!