Today, the wrestle with anxiety, is,
fierce.
The spirit of anxiety, is so,
oppressive, as it threatens to keep me separated from the liberation and freedom of my God, and keep me loomed in the dark as if light was nowhere to be found, all buried and
overshadowed by the overwhelming darkness.
I may have been fooled once, which resulted in me falling on my knees and forehead on the floor, tears hesistantly flowing due to the tension between desperate hope and fear clouded with menacing skepticism, begging for God to perform a miracle just to liberate me from the suffocation of the moment, only to pick myself back up with
my own strength, wiping the tears that barely flowed from my face, and felt as if I was cheated of my core belief system all these years throughout my existence.
But I shall not be fooled again. Even as I went through the motion, I was nowhere close to thinking that my God doesn't exist. (praise God for that). It felt oppressive still, but more like I knew I was going through a motion, I knew it'd pass, I knew I had to do something about it, I even had a wishful thinking of living life separate from my emotions - because I knew / know, that my emotions don't define my experience, nor
me. I looked forward to doing devotion after my shower (albeit endless sidetracks/manifestations of anxiety coping mechanism), because I knew that it meant war, and it'd be combatted for sure, notwithstanding my emotions. I was yearning for a breakthrough and deep down was
actually curious and highly inquisitive and anticipative as to how God was gonna take me through this tumultuous journey this time around. I had thoughts of victory as I conquer this fight in the days to come and when my experience becomes relevant and supportive of another person's. I really wanted to sleep to shut my mind so that it'd stop thinking or project self-harming thoughts, but I knew I shouldn't resort to the same method of escapism which I
inadvertently committed myself with before. A part of me dreaded seeing the cliche verses or quotes on Instagram as the anxious millennial mind took over me and I scrolled endlessly for something yet for nothing at the same time.
I finally brought myself out of bed and randomly opening my blog again. I read the old stuff, felt inspired and lol, ridiciously
jealous of the seemingly 'ardent' journey I went on previously. I so automatically compared my current state of mind / spirituality and wondered, "D
ang, what happened to you?", immediately I thought again, "
man, I can't believe you became one of them - who looked back retrospectively from the future, and wondered what and how it happened... You became one of them," I truly wondered in genuine fear whether I'd be able to "revert" to the ways, mind and heart of old again. In the same moment, I even managed to bring myself to
grieve over this
loss that I thought I was experiencing.
Yet, another part of me, faintly smiled with pursed lips on the inside knowing that because God is faithful, good and consistent (unlike me), my current journey is not condemning, shameful or worthless, to say the least. I can only rise higher than my current spiral of chaos, rise higher into bridging that gap between heaven and earth. I can only grow deeper into
knowing and being acquinted with what His grace, love, sustenance means all over again. It reminds me of what Dr Vinod shared at homes and what Eld Ken Yiak shared before, "God challenges you only for
more of His heart, never
less."
As such, I have
hope as I go through this season.
At one point of tonight, my mind brought me back to a picture of Israel that I
literally, stepped foot on, and somewhat I felt a hint of this unspeakable subtle joy as well as peace, being assured that my God is real. If He chose Israel / the Israelites, and Israel 24/7 screams of His supernaturality and speechless beauty, as I shared my takeaway then, I know that the same
good, God who planned for Jesus to die for us on the cross in Israel so that we can have free access to Him, is the same God wherever we are, same God for Malaysia, for this little space I'm inhabiting where it sometimes, seems impossible to reconcile God with (wearing this inferior and developing-Asian-world mentality :P). The thought of that gives me joy, hope, and peace. And surpassing peace - that reaffirms my truth and conviction, that God is real and is with me in that (and this) very moment.
xx "Coincidentally", I've also been hearing the Red Sea miracle recurringly over the past few days / weeks. Yesterday, I shared with some friends and family the passage I came across that morning, Psalm 77 where David laments and cries, wondering if God has chosen to turn His back against Him.. Yet the passage continues with David, in spite of going through that motion of
defeated and
broken mentality, being persuaded by the memory of God's miracle in the past. One of the examples David raised, was God's parting of the Red Sea, where God said himself, "Your path is through the great waters; where no man has seen, and the footprints of God were not visible," I don't fully understand the last part about the footprints of God, but the rest of the verse just spoke earthquakes into the mountains inside my heart.
Today, as I felt so vividly in my brain and even in the express thought of, "
Wow.. today, I think today.. is when I can firmly admit that I struggle with anxiety...." Man, anxiety is so threatening, oppressive and crippling. But right after that thought, another thought sought to reconcile the Red Sea principle, "
What if this 'anxiety' is your Red Sea, and God is leading you to it, into it, and then He'll create and carve a way out from within the anxiety itself and part the Red Seas for you," "Perhaps God is helping you to overcome it by leading you in and through it, facing it head-on..."
Though I still wore my constipated face on the outside, I let out a sigh of "fear" and mild relief at the same time that God is working. I used to attribute challenges to lack of devotion, until I learnt that challenges are never far from the "devoted", perhaps even close sometimes, if not certainly inevitable, right after you have an encounter with Jesus. That the challenge comes to threaten your growth with the intention of suppressing it.
I did ask for more of God, perhaps this is the challenge after the encounter., the one step closer..
