choppy waters

 "(i think...) you need to be brave...

you need to have courage, 

to make mistakes.

you are so young,

it's harder to have courage when you're older.

i can't change her - her upbringing was as such,

but you're different, you went to the UK,

you need to learn to think and speak up."

*deep sighs

I think what happened is more serious than what it seems on the face of it. While I think we both know that no employee is perfect, her wrath is palpable on Day 1. Though it did seem like she tried to mitigate it by striking casual convos abt Tokyo at the day's end. Then the long heavy conversation came on Day 2. And i continue to feel the weight of the disappointment, day in day out since then.. *sighs

I feel deeply embroiled in her wrath.

instantly or perpetually, i keep returning to this place where I'm tempted to blame my parents for this.

why did they not arrest it at its earlist tell-tales,

and allow these insecuritise to manifest at places of work where they shouldn't.

why did they not arrest it at Home - these mistakes are meant to be made / contained during childhood/teenhood at home... so they will be arrested, dealt with so they won't surface at work / professional settings... into the society.

i try to imagine the permutation of the aftermath had it happened at home...

parents would probably be mad at me. but i suppose what i'm relinquished off is the shame that comes with failures. they still ought to feed me, love me, care for me, i still wake up the next day their child under their roof, and i try again.

here, my shame reeks everywhere...

my boss is not legally literally or in any way subject to an obligation to nurture, to teach, to care for my emotions along the way..

she's entitled to feel disappointed at a job badly done,and enforce judgment in the form of letting dismissal because i, in substance, failed to honour my part of the bargain.

we're lawyers - an eye for an eye, quid pro quo, arm's length.... we are a team, we're not family...

how do i go on from here?

whilst i'm still basking in my pool of shame, a part of me has peace that I'm finally dealing with this insecurity / fear head on. it's so hard. but i have a small hope that, from this season onwards, that I may be set free from this... forever.

I came cross the news of Dave Hollis' passing today.. So devastating. The start of his tribute in this article introduced him as the author of "Built Through Courage: Face Your Fears to Live the Life You Were Meant For". Suddenly, this title speaks so personally on a different level, to me.

I certainly crave for a fresh start.

I wish.. I could walk away, with my shame. Call it quits. Then start afresh somewhere else. Where my dirty linen is not known. Perhaps, the liberty of a fresh start can be my catharsis. I also keep returning to the thought that "Had i not stayed this long, my dirty parts wouldnt surface." I've had this thought for a while... "had i left earlier, i could avoid the risk of stepping on someone's toes that comes in any/all relationships given enough time".

My devotion today says God is a God of second chances.

While I feel like an absolute failure as if I'm the only person this could happen to, I struggle to believe the title that's supposedly meant to speak to every one of us as if failure is really no stranger to any of us. I struggle... to believe.... that anyone could be worse than me. But i find grace in that God loves, despite me.

Yesterday was a story in fresh starts too [ TBC on this]

"bcuz of what happened, it caused a lot of tension in our working relationship"

ytd's devotions was on "restored relationships" [TBC] - Lord, I pray for a restored relationship with my boss.. as much as we think it doesn't get personal, it does get personal...

I wish I was better.. I wish I was perfect.. though I know, I know...

Oh, what's the reason for this season? *sighs

- Lord, help / have your way in me -