I know the thought is absurd, just as it was immediately and loudly slammed by a friend when I in
The formulation of such thought is due to stories of praise I've heard where someone would have returned to his or her hometown after years abroad, and several years later when a parent's passed away, in hindsight, he'd recognize God's faithful hands through the years, and receive the a revelation that "Oh.. So that's probably why God prompted me to come home, so I could spend all these last years of my parent, together."
I couldn't help but wonder, if such was also... my fate.
My dad has been feeling unwell over the past few weeks. It is quite unprecedented, as this time, the illness took captive of his mind and spirit too. When the head of the house seems dejected, the entire family worries along, the spirit of the family members are equally grieved. It is unprecedented of my father who's always been firm in stature and character, who's the loudest extrovert in the room, who usually has no room for overthinking, negative emotions to dwell, who often looks at problems as opportunities in disguise.
This is unprecedented, because my father today, who is diagnosed as perfectly well by the doctors, panics when cold sweat trickles down his body and appears to be convinced that there is a virus in his blood that is beyond doctors. Covid-19 has yet again, launched another seemingly lethal attack, on another family.
It has been really discouraging. A silver lining that I could gather was / is, the unity of our family this crisis has brought.
As I ponder upon the past few years of my return to Malaysia with a primary intention to take care of my parents, I've been keeping count that this is the second crisis that's hit my family. A part of me wonders, is this one of those testimonies where I'd say, "Thank God I am here in closer proximity to my parents where I can afford to offer physical care, and perhaps make a difference where support is concerned"; another part of me offers a more dominant thought in that, this was actually going to happen all along.. anyway.. whether I'm home or not. I'm rather swayed that this was part of God's plan - not in the sense that He's inflicted my family with crises, but in allowing it, it's probably a part of the entire grand picture, all along.
In that sense, I find a deep, unwavering state of mind that the latter is it. And if that's the case, there's really not much I can do... if it really was all part of the Plan. It would have happened anyway.
This unwavering position that seems to take place deep down inside of me - I'd say "feel" - but really, this position is beyond emotions because this position is like a seawall or a firm fort that has ocean waves with unfathomable depth and intrinsics crashing against it, over and over again, sometimes even crashing over it., but never destroying it.
- My futile attempt of an analogy of course seeks to affix the "ocean" as a symbol of my emotions.-
It is an unwavering position of perhaps.. truth, that my bewilderings emotions can't reconcile or make sense of. This "position" honestly, feels quite similar, if not completely, to the "position" that was "taking place" when I decided to take my current job back in 2018 - bewildering thoughts and emotions, circumstances, yet as how I'd always put it, "I just know deep down inside, this is what I'm supposed to do in this moment / season. I couldn't let it go... for I don't know what reason.". Similarly, I'm just feeling now, "this would have happened... anyway", no matter what I did, where I am...
Naturally, and perhaps undoubtedly, I am discouraged, sad, somewhat worried.. I'm not sure if I'm able to fully explain the reasons behind these responses or emotions even if I attempted to.
There a million thoughts that's ran my mind, none of which really hits the bull's eye, though they seem tempted to. Today's sermon about overcoming anxiety had me wondering why would God test us... In usual human relationships, testing another person is actually really offensive. If really so, then why would God who is omniscient break us, just to test us, when he knows that we absolutely can't do it without him? Why does it have to sound like a game of ego - me admitting my wrong in an extravagant manner just to experience a little more of God? It makes no sense to me right now.. Doesn't that go against love? Why would you hurt someone just to test how much they love you.... Why would His presence that has arrived, come, has to... go? Perhaps the presentation of "trials" being identified as "tests" have hit a point of banality in my life, that we miss the point...
I continue to wonder on behalf of my father, if indeed so, that if God is omnipotent and ever-present, why does he feel so far away? Why am I not well, yet? Why do I feel well today, and not, tomorrow? Why must every moment, feel like a test and a constant battle? Is my reading of the news my fault to feed myself evil? Why does it take "so much" just to grow in faith, and experience the presence of God.
As a person of faith, I know that God will take us through. It truly is so easy to profess faith and praise God when all is well. When all isn't well, how do we find strength in our faith to sustain us? Having said that, I had a brief "vision" in my head earlier where I saw myself sharing a testimony in these words... "When all is well, it is undoubtedly easy if not natural to praise the Lord. I thank God for the grace that I can stand here and praise His name even when things are not well.." It's "brief" because I stopped myself from exploring that line of thought...
Another question that arose is of course, "What if my dad dies?". My thoughts froze at that at immediate thought.
I can only say, "I am not ready, I honestly am not,". The burdens of the world just fell back on my shoulders.
Amidst all wandering thoughts, 1 stood out particularly, though not really enough in my opinion (but what do i know) - I recently heard a testimony of a couple who are leaders in church, who both lost their jobs due to Covid-19, and both gained a new job each within the span of 2 weeks. I could only think, "God takes care of us", when I heard this testimony. Something lifted from my spirit, though I feel just a little weight, not all.
I was further comforted by this testimony when I heard a friend who applied for a job during MCO, and indeed got the job that is due to start asap when she's ready. This story encourages me to think that our God is a supernatural God, a God against the odds, our God is an outlier.
I immediately shared these stories with a friend who's mildly worried about moving on to a new job but has been holding her horses due to the depressed economy. I exclaimed to her with glee that, "God takes care of us babe, God will take care of you. So don't worry, okay?"
She then naturally bounced that thought back to my circumstance - "The same God who takes care of J&J and Amy, will take care of your father. He loves your father more than you do.."
Today, there doesn't seem to be an improvement on the face of it with my dad. He told me yesterday he's managing his assets because he anticipates that he will not be able to anymore if he doesn't get better. I know he means in the nearest of future because he's been engrossed doing that, driven by fear (I assume..) today.
Previously in uni days perhaps, upon catching a point, usually, the things on earth will follow suit pretty immediately i.e. I experience social awkardness due to my real self, then I read a word that encourages being real, then I'm comforted and a social situation is resolved pretty "instantly".
Now, I seem to have a stark realization or awareness that this situation that befell my family is here to "last" for a little longer, more than a day or two, perhaps a season. But I often hold my tongue - fearing that my "enunciation" of such words amount to a false declaration. Oh such archaic laws, thank God for the blood of Jesus that has fulfilled the law.
As I churn out these thoughts regarding this situation, I realise that there's been a maturity from the years. It is true that maturity can only be experienced, once you see it, you can't unsee it. But if you've yet to see it, you'd have no idea of what it's like.
If so, the paranoid part of me wonders where this "maturity" will seek to take me? Does it seek to see me fail in my job, my family falling apart, succumbing to sickness, financial difficulties... just so that my faith will be refined in the furnace and turn gold?
In the between, in the now, I don't know what to do, what to feel. I still wish sometimes God was like a genie, that his presence is permanent, is forever lit, that comes and transcends and arrives so tangibly like how a gloomy cloud announces itself... That the line between this world and God is less succinct. In the meantime, I will try.. to continue to hope, to trust that God is in control, and 1 day it'll make sense - hopefully not at the expense of the passing of someone.. But I just gotta trust that God has mine, my dad's best interests at heart.
"When the mountains fall
And the tempest roars
You are with me
When creation folds
Still my soul will soar on Your mercy
I'll walk through the fire
With my head lifted high
And my spirit revived in Your story
And I'll look to the cross
As my failure is lost
In the light of Your glorious grace"
This song played midway as I blogged. I remember this song spoke to me back as I was broken into hinto tears when I finally, accepted in my heart and spirit, the decision to not quit law school, and return because "I will walk through the fire with my head lifted high."
Yesterday's meetup with Hailey was also encouraging. Hearing her stories where God is ever so present, although now I don't so much "envy" that my God doesn't seem to be as instant having learnt that God loves me the same, I am reminded that the same God who is ever present in her life, whose love language to her appears to me speediess + omnipresence, loves me just the same, although the love seems to be expressed quite abstractly in seasons instead. Regardless, I trust that God is watching over me, us, and speaking to us every day.
Holy Spirit, take over.
"What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near"
I'm not ready to dispute the truth of the above statements. but if any, Lord, I pray that dad will always know that You are near. Amen.
"What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise..."
